Adjusting expectations??

Are you considering an older child who is typically developing or an older child with special needs? Are you considering a child with mild/correctible special needs or more significant/life-long special needs? I think those questions would really help you find your answer, although things can change in a heartbeat. My son was older (5.5 yrs), extremely neglected/institutionalized and had moderate-severe special needs. It's been under a year and he's made fantastic progress. We initially wanted a child who would be independent, and then had to prepare ourselves for him to live with us long term--and now we just have no idea (most days, I wouldn't mind him staying forever--I can't imagine him leaving me!). His behavior challenges will hold him back much more in life than his cognitive deficits, and only time will tell if his behavior can be modified "enough." My son is incredibly challenging and there is absolutely a lot of stress involved in parenting him (mostly handling all of the "stuff" like therapy, etc., that comes with his special needs), but there is much MUCH more joy in parenting him. I probably don't write as much about the positive either because if I'm blogging it's because a) I think someone else might need to know they're not the only one or b) I'm looking for answers to an issue.

I have adopted two older children. They have or have dealt with a range of issues - complex PTSD, attachment issues, global developmental delays, learning disabilities, possible FAE I am very positive about adopting older children, I believe that we are a family, a success story, and a POSITIVE story. And yet I am aware that when I say what we deal with, many people (both prospective adopters and adopters with NT children) are apt to think that we are a negative adoption story, simply because of their high needs. I guess it depends how you define success, and they judge against their expectations of their future family and childrenAnyway, I don't know what kind of special needs you are thinking of? Emotional, physical, developmental and how severe etc. As Adoptsis said, that will affect what you might expectMy older children are challenging and stressful (at times even my youngest can be but nothing on the same scale). I have cried and despaired and had horrid times and had counselling. I have faced bad looks and judgments from "friends", school, neighbours and strangers. I have had to fight for many supports.I have also plastered my walls with the photos of US. The smiling faces, the family portraits. I have been witness to their many achievements. I have a host of treasured memories I can call upon any time which will never stop making me smile with amazement and happiness. I have the honour of being loved by them, and having them in my life. I have cried not just with frustration, but with joy. My children have given me the happiest moments in my life as well as bad moments. When they say they trust me, it means oh so much more than I think it could ever mean coming from a birth child who has had nothing but a happy lifeMy oldest is now happily married with a daughter of her own btw, having overcome many of her issuesWhen I talk to others about my experiences, i try to strike the right balance between describing the challenges whilst showing my positive-ness and making it clear that I chose this and we are a positive story. I don't think I always succeed in that.

There are many different types of "living on their own" My bio with CP and mod MR will never be able to live with no support on his own BUT that does not mean he won't leave home and live in an apartment with supervision and or support. There are many independent living centers that gives special needs adult the independency they want but the assistance they need. He will do job training when he is the upper grades of high school and is already doing community days to learn how to get his needs met out in public like stores, restaurants, transportation, ect... and he is in middle school right now. With the little one we are adopting she has medical issues but no MR so she will probably do the live on her own as she gets older and be able to manage her care on her own without support. So it really depends on what "special needs" the child has that you are looking to be placed with. Be aware to that kids are amazing and can really suprise you what special needs they can overcome.