Long Post - Question to B-Moms » Adoption Community

PADJ

September 12, 2012

Happy Wednesday all! What follows is a thread I posted on the Communication Between Adoptees and Birth Parents boards. I thought I'd post it here as well. So far no one has ventured an opinion on the B-parent boards. :hissy: :D

I've been wrestling with this question for quite a long time now, and I've reached the point with it where I feel like I need to get some different perspective on it and perhaps lay it down and walk away. I'm hoping that some of the birth moms out there will be able to give their thoughts.
Without completely reinventing the wheel here, since my saga is pretty well documented on these boards, I'm an adoptee who finally got serious about searching and found my birth mom and other family members. I may have done myself a huge inadvertent disservice by allowing the mushy, tear filled reunion stories that are covered on various TV shows to frame my point of reference for a reunion experience. I had prepared myself mentally for either the tearful, joy filled reunion or for outright rejection. It never entered my mind that an apathetic reaction could be arguably more painful than just being told no to contact.
I think in my other posts I've pretty well documented the various things that keep coming up in my b-mom's world that take up her time and attention. First it was not being able to easily inform my two half brothers (who have since been told), then my b-mom's mom moved back to town with them and that became the dominant issue (grandma still doesn't know I exist), and throughout there have been various health concerns for both my b-mom and her husband. All of these things are what they are...I get that much.
I was thinking about this earlier today and this brings me around to what I think is my central question. I understand that there are other things going on in her life. I get that and accept it. I also understand that it's unrealistic to expect that someone would be able to alter how they've dealt with a "secret" (me) for 50 years at the relative drop of a hat. I get that and accept it as well. Having done a lot of reading on the topic, while I fortunately cannot relate to ever having to have made the huge decision of placing a child for adoption, I believe I can understand and accept where it could cause tons of emotions ranging from guilt to self doubt to anger to who knows what else. And if I'm correct in that, then I also accept that I am the living, breathing embodiment of all of those emotions and a reminder of a much less positive time in her life.
But me being me, here's what I can't quite grasp...is it not reasonable to expect that someone with all those emotions would, if given the chance, at least demonstrate some actual interest in meeting face to face and to maybe, just maybe, begin a healing process to be able to address some of that emotional baggage, to put it down and move past it? I'm not conceited enough to expect that b-mom should drop everything for some face time. But for the last several years it's been one continual thing after another, and every time I've brought the question of meeting face to face up the question is dodged. The closest I've ever received to an answer is that "it'll happen some day." In the meantime time keeps ticking away and I'm reminded of that line from On Golden Pond where Kate Hepburn asks Jane Fonda just exactly when she expects this relationship with her father to begin.
It doesn't have to be tomorrow or next week. There doesn't even have to be a specific time set right now. For now, I think it would be a positive feeling for me just to hear some excitement from her about a face to face meeting.
Am I being unrealistic in this? It's frustrating...sometimes I feel like the whiny adopted child stuck in the grouchy old guy's body.

Best all,

PADJ

VancouverShar

September 14, 2012

I haven't been around on the forum for a while but I'll do my best to give some insight.

This will sound strange, but, your first mother's unwillingness to meet you face to face has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. It is because of her fear - her absolute terror to face the pain. Remember, she has been supressing this pain and living in denial for 50 years. She knows consciously or unconsciously that meeting you will bring all these emotions to the surface. The fear of the pain can be paralyzing.

It is a sad fact that many first mothers have so much guilt and shame that they believe they don't deserve to have a relationship with you. That they don't deserve to have your love. She may believe she isn't good enough or won't measure up - that you'll drop her the minute she misteps or once you have the data information you want. She may find it very hard to believe that you actually want a 'relationship' with her.

Have you had a chance to read up on the Baby Scoop Era? A couple of good books are 'The girls that went away' and 'Wake up Little Suzie'. Learning of the barbaric and absolute horror she was subjected to will give you some compassion for her. It is almost certain that she had NO CHOICE in losing you. It is also almost certain that she has convinced herself that 'it was for the best'. Its what we do to survive. It would be a miracle if she doesn't suffer from PTSD.

It is staggering the number of illnesses that first mothers 'living in the fog' suffer from. Its a natural reaction to repressed emotions. She may be using her physical illnesses as an excuse for her not facing her emotional pain.

Here is an excellent article that sums up some of the reasons why she may be reluctant to meet with you.

[URL="http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/why_wont_my_mother.html"]Why won't my mother meet me?[/URL]

Honey, please know deep in your bones, that your first mother loves you! So much that it terrifies her. Facing the reality of what we've missed can be debilitating. First moms also have the same fear of rejection that adoptees do and as irrational and unfair as it sounds, she may be testing you to make sure you're committed. I know its unfair, sweetie, but nothing in adoption is truly fair.

OK, now what? Do you give up or keep trying to connect with her? Of course, only you know the answer to that but here's my suggestion. Stop pressing for a face to face. Don't get me wrong - its perfectly natural and not unreasonable to want to meet the woman that gave you life! Again, its not you - its her fear. If you have her address, send cards every month or so with a simple 'thinking of you', 'miss you' message. Keep it light. I would suggest sending her the above books I've mentioned after you've read them. I would also suggest reading and sending Joe Soll's books "Adoption healing...a path to recovery". There is a version for adoptees and one for moms.

I'm a believer that you can find healing and peace if you get to meet your first mom or not. It is very hard work but it can be done. Of course, there are probably many paths to this but I've seen amazing results when we journal every day, learn to channel our anger (and we have a lot - rightly so) and do inner child work. Many find the concept of the 'inner child' hokey psychobabble. Personally, its the only thing I've seen bring people healing and peace.

"The horrors of war pale in comparison to the loss of a mother" Anna Freud