Does my b-mom deserve a second chance? Help making a decision.

I need to make what is a very long story somewhat short, but it's story that spans years, and alot of ups and downs, and a not so great ending. I am an adult adopted daughter, 40 years old. I met my birth parents when I was 26 after an exhaustive heart wrenching search for 8 years that concluded with a phone call from a social worker that excitedly blurted out my whole bio history to me in an unexpected phone call 2 weeks before I was to be married. 2 hours later I was in his office looking at a picture of these people I imagined in my mind my entire life. What a life changing day that was. It turns out my bio-parents married less than a year after giving me up and I have 2 full siblings, not much younger than me at all. My bio-mother and father wanted to meet me. We lived half a country apart, but we did meet and it was wonderful, with mixed emotions of course, a very difficult time and as well as a wonderful time, it helped my heart so much to heal and understand, I found out my story. I had a good childhood, but nothing could make me forget that there was another family/mother out there. They told their children, who were adults as well at the time (we were all in our 20's), and even though it was at times awkward and emotionally difficult to process, I felt accepted by all. As the years went by, it always seemed like I was the one to initiate contact with my mother (the main person I talked to all the time), whether it be a phone call, a email etc, a visit, it was always me first, and then a very positive return on the other end, but never a give and take that you expect in normal relationships. My birth mother never called my house once in 5 years, I always called her. We'd have long easy going conversations, but it was always me that called. Well, life got busy, I moved (even further away), had a baby, I sent them lots of pictures and emails and there was always a positive response, but we didn't actually meet in person again after my move for years (and it wasn't a money issue). When my son turned 2, my husband and I were in a terrible accident that left my husband in a wheelchair for a year, me, I was minimally injured, but was left alone to handle my son, our business, his treatments etc. Life got really hectic. My adoptive mother came out to live with us and help. I never received any support from her for my search since I was a teen, actually just the opposite. When she found out that they were an intact family, she refused to even look at a picture of them, screamed at me about not sharing me with them, etc. Long story there, but I think other adoptees with unsupportive parents have all had to endure similar treatment. I can't fully explain it now, but during that time (approx 2003) I was so stressed due to the accident, and my a-mom was helping so much, and all these years (6 years) of me just initiating with my bio-mom made me kind of resentful (?) of her lack of initiating in the relationship. It made me question whether she got off the phone with me and just rolled her eyes and sighed, wishing I never called, and why wasn't I taking the hint. And I was hardly obsessive, I would call maybe once or twice a month and email maybe every 2-4 weeks just to keep in touch. She would reply and be very positive and warm and happy, but that was it. She never initiated. So I got it in my head that I would just stop, stop cold, stop calling, emailing etc and see how long it took for HER to initiate a call to me. And - in a twisted way I was "obeying" my adoptive mom's wishes for no contact, being a good daughter at the same time, given how much my adoptive mom had done for us after the accident. Switching allegiances, so to say. It was kind of messed up. I waited, and waited and waited for my bio mom to call. No call from her, from any of them. Birthdays went by, holidays, etc. A year, 2 years. FOUR years later, I couldn't let it go, I was angry, but I missed them, I missed contact with my bio-mom and I felt like time was just going by. I was denying my then 6 year old son a family and grandparents he never knew existed. So after 4 long years I emailed her out of the blue at Christmas 2007, told her I missed her and everyone and wanted to talk. And she responded right away. It wasn't until next summer in 2008 we re-united in person. It was wonderful again, I had missed her, my son got to meet his grandmother, we had a great time, everything seemed good again. My biofather was not as happy about it, he didn't like that I didn't contact them in such a long time, he felt "abandoned". He didn't come for the visit. I didn't get into the fact that I was "testing" them and they failed, I didn't want to ruffle feathers, I just told my bio family that my adoptive family was really pressuring me not to have a relationship, and I had to work through that. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the full truth either. I didn't have the courage to just ask her straight why it seemed so one sided. I think she would have denied it, and it just felt weird to ask someone why they don't call you. I was getting mixed messages from her. We stayed in communication though. Less than a year later (2009 now), I went to see them all, siblings too. It was wonderful, the best time I have ever had, we laughed and enjoyed eachother company. My bio-parents saying this was a new chapter in our relationship, finally it's "our time" and I was fully their "daughter". We took family photos, all was good. I stayed in contact with my mother and siblings through facebook and email, she was a little bit more initiative about calls, maybe she just matured and felt more comfortable about it, but not much. But then her son said she was the same way with him, so I tried after all these years not to take it personally. We went to see them again a year later, now 2010. Everything was different. My biofather was distant and cold, my biomother seemed stressed and just putting on an act of politeness. My father was verbally abusive during my stay, calling me names, giving me looks, criticizing how I raised my son (over things like me pouring his salad dressing for him so he wouldn't spill it, crazy stuff). I literally went to bed crying every night (and I am not a crier). I was 3000 miles from home in a remote place, trapped in their home. The tension everyday was like nothing I have ever experienced. My son felt abused by my bio father, just by his coldness and lack of willingness to talk to him or even acknowledge his presence. When I left, my bio-father just said "see ya", no hug, no nothing. Less than a year prior he was writing me warm loving letters and phone calls about how much I meant to him and he would just call me out of the blue to say hi. We had had no fight at all. Nothing. It didn't make sense and I was heartbroken and deeply confused. I even asked my biomom why he was acting that way and she said she didn't know, he was depressed etc. Seemed like she was grasping as to why also. When I left for the airport and my b-mom drove us, we were all silent. I just instinctively new I would never again see her or him in my lifetime, and I did not know why. Oh, and on top of all of this, I was 6 months PREGNANT with their granddaughter at the time. They have no other grandchildren except through me, my siblings do not have children. I had felt before this trip that it was a new beginning, they would be apart of this child's life from birth. I had wanted them at the birth, I was going to name my daughter after my birth mother (actually a variation on the name she named me, my birth name, that was changed by my a-parents). After this horrible "vacation", I wrote my biofather when I returned home and asked him point blank why things went so badly (in a nice way) and he wrote me back this rambling abusive letter about how I abused him and his family, I used his pool as a bathtub, alot of really insane things and although he didn't say it word for word, he didn't ever want to see me again. I was shocked, heartbroken, confused, really confused. I wrote him back a 17 page letter about how all I ever wanted was to know him and everyone and that was all, since I was 5 years old. I had done nothing wrong to deserve this, it was insane. For the rest of my pregnancy I had anxiety attacks (first time in my life), I gave birth and within 6 weeks had severe postpartum anxiety/depression/insomnia, I actually had to be hospitalized for a month as I was not sleeping for more than 2 hours per night (I have no history of any mental health issues at all). I wasn't really focusing on them or that situation at all, but I really think that it was triggered at least in part by what went down with them 3 months earlier, as I didn't have alot of other stressors in my life. My bio family never again contacted me, never called after the birth (even though they knew the due date), never knew about my post partum hospitalization, never even knew the name of my child. My siblings never contacted me either, my mother and my sister blocked me on facebook, the only one that didn't was my brother, but he never spoke to me either. A year later (2011), my brother out of the blue contacted me on my birthday, said he didn't understand why his parents were doing this either, it was all crazy, unfair, we need to reunite the family etc etc. It was a relief after a year of self-blame and confusion and depression to be finally vindicated to know I didn't do anything wrong. We wrote/called for a year back and forth, he has been great and supportive, but he is my only contact with the family. This past year (2012), my brother called me (2 years after I had last seen my bio parents) to tell me that my father just was diagnosed with a brain tumour and had 6-12 months to live. He had had the tumour growing in his brain for years (not diagnosed), which caused the depression, personality changes and many other symptoms. In the end, when he was diagnosed, he was half crazed out of his mind, yelling in the hospital, saying crazy things, aggressive, argumentative, and downright ugly to his wife, children, and many others. It had completely altered his personality. He had surgery, but it was terminal and very aggressive, and he was left confused and altered. I was so messed up by this, it explained alot of what went down 2 years previously with his personality change, but at the same time, it's not like my mother or sister had a brain tumour. I could not explain away THEIR behaviour. At one point, my brother told me that in a lucid moment after the brain surgery, my biofather said he handled things very wrong with me. That made me sad to hear that, but he never contacted me. I didn't know what to do. My heart wanted to contact them, to help them in any way I could, but my brain told me I was not wanted anymore, to stop hurting yourself, you have been through enough. I was still on medication for that depression/insomnia, although I was very stable. Through much turmoil and reflection, I decided to not contact them. My father was not himself anyway, who knows what would have been the result, what would be the point, and my mother was so stressed that I just didn't want to add to it. To me, he was gone already anyway, from what I heard, he had trouble carrying on simple sentences and following simple instructions. I talked to my brother and helped in any way I could by researching treatments etc. In the back of my mind, I had hoped he would reach out to me, but to his dying day, he did not. My biofather passed away last month. My brother contacted me within 2 hours. I was not invited to the funeral (which was 2000 miles away), although I and my children were mentioned as "beloved" in the obituary (I find that very ironic and unsettling and I kind of feel used, like it was a show for others because all extended family knew about my existence). I was not mentioned as his daughter though, just "extended family" (I am not really offended by that, whatever). I guess my mother knows my child's name now too since it was mentioned in the obituary... a "beloved" granddaughter they never cared to meet, or even saw a picture of. Life's greatest irony is that my daughter looks like my biomother, I see it in her face everyday. Regarding my father's passing, I feel forgotten, I am like a non person, it wasn't "really" my family, I wasn't allowed to grieve normally like everyone else, nobody besides my brother gave me a second thought, and I am left in this no man's land of grief, frustration, and lack of closure towards just about everything. And so here I am now. I am grieving in so many ways. I miss the father I knew years ago, he was good to me. I am angry at the person he became (even though it was not his fault I guess). A good part of me says he didn't abandon others in his life, only me. Why me? I will never know and I don't even know if he could have answered that with any range of sanity. I am of course even angrier with my biomother, how could she do this to me. My father was very dominating all his life and he was the king of the castle so to speak, but to throw your own daughter under the bus like that? My sister, well, she always had very mixed feelings for me, and resented my presence a lot of the time in a quiet non-confrontational way, so her siding with her father in abandoning me is NOT a surprise, and I really don't hold alot of emotion for her anyway as I know her true soul. My parents even told me she always had trouble with the idea that I exist, she wanted to be the only girl. Selfish and childish, but true. I just can't seem to move on. I miss my mother in my life (unfortunately), and I feel sorry for her in a way. Yet I am angry with her at the same time for not standing up enough for our relationship, even if we had to have a secret relationship because my father felt differently. I feel like I will never heal from this until I hear her side of the story. She has an extremely non-confrontational personality and hates any stress or arguments, she shuts down. So I can't see her ever contacting me, even if it means we all go to our death beds with no contact. My brother agrees. I just feel life is short and time goes by, my kids are growing up. I feel so unhealed, I don't want to be hurt again either, and I don't want my son hurt again like he was (how do your tell your son that his grandparents don't want anything to do with him - I had to!). I am scared of exposing my innocent 2 year old daughter. I wish I could just forget my biomom, but I can't. It haunts me, it creeps into my dreams, leaves me tormented. In my dreams I just stare her down until she lowers her eyes in shame, or I come in a room where she is laughing with her friends and I let her see that I am there, I seem to want to "remind" her in my dreams that I exist, and the shame she should feel for what she has done by abandoning me again. I hate that she seems to just move on, and I can't. Or maybe she hasn't moved on at at all, she's afraid of confrontation, especially knowing how badly she has behaved, who knows. But if I was in her shoes, I would never do what she is doing to me. I would make it right. My reason for writing is to ask the wisdom of anyone reading this far as to whether I should just forget all of this and try to move on with my own life, or should I throw caution to the wind and contact her (even though I feel she doesn't deserve yet another chance in a way). I can't forget she just lost her husband of 40 years just a little over a month ago. I don't want to be insensitive. But if I did contact her, I would not do it with any aggression at this point. But again, I don't want to open myself to further hurt and confusion. I just don't know if I can live the rest of my life in this limbo state. There is just something about your birth mother I think only other adult adoptees understand (and probably some birth mom's too). You cannot give up the search, the fight, the whatever, even if it takes years or a lifetime. I never yearn for my adoptive mother like this, it is much more "normal". But when times were good with my bioparents, I was healed in a way that nobody else in the world has ever done for me, I was elated, I was free and whole, finally. I was "home". It was indescribable really. I feel like the umbilical cord is still there and however much I would like to, I am emotionally unable to just cut it completely.