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Hello all I have been concerned by the lack of support opportunities for birth fathers and am very happy to find this forum. My son just turned one year old and is in an open adoption with a wonderful family. I'm very happy that they allow me and my ex to be a part of his life but I also feel very awkward and sort of like a third wheel. Bio-mom and adopted-mom both have children in addition to our son. They have that special rapport that moms have and maybe I'm envious of that. I've never spent much time around young children and don't really know what to do other than take pictures, smile and nod. I am not really sure what I want out of this relationship right now. I feel alone and in the way. It's probably all in my head but still, I need to do something in order to feel like a participant while respecting the boundaries of the new family during this time when they bond and grow together. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm tired of hiding in my office, crying about this. I do have a professional therapist on my side but I'm not her only client. Ultimately I'm the one who has to do the hard work here. I'm not afraid of that, just feeling alone and useless. Thanks for listening Andy
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I don't know if I have much advice in terms of support. I'm not a birthfather...I'm a middle aged female adoptee. I often wonder if birth fathers feel brushed aside as if they don't care about a child that was placed for adoption but the reality is they suffer in silence. There is a book about birthfathers experiences...I think it's called "out of the shadows" or something like that. I'm an adult adoptee from the closed adoption era so I never had the chance to know my birth father. I know who he is now but have been reluctant to reach out to him just yet. One thing that I think would be nice for you to do is to put together some type of scrapbook or journal detailing your life and family history for your son. I think something like that with lots of pictures that you write in from time to time will mean a lot to him especially when he is older. I know a lot of men aren't into things like scrapbooking but it doesn't need to be anything fancy. I think it will show your son that you care for him deeply and want him to know where he came from. I think it would serve also as therapy for you. I think as he gets older, you will find it easier to relate. I hope the adoption is open enough that maybe you and the adoptive father could do things with him from time to time. You may find it easier to relate to him rather than the adoptive mother.
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AT$, I would not say we are pushed aside, I would say that over time there is a stigma that has kind of developed in ref to being a birth father.. Take me for example, I had no idea I was a birthfather, the bio mom denied i was the father and onlyt told me 16 years after the fact. Well while i was there living my life witrh my family, and my wife. The bio mom had the baby, put her up for adoption, and had to emotionallly deal with all of that. Then the daughter, had the demons she had to deal with. All while i was , living and ignorant to all that had happend. For every bio dad that is out there and cares about something like this happening, (i am guessing ) there may be 10 to 12 birthfathers who just don not care, and ready to impregnate another female at the drop of a nickel. So unfortuante to say, but with that kind of rap,,,we have our challenges. I am not sterotyping myself, or any other birthfather, however I am a realist, and i live in the real world.. if it looks like a duck , and it quacks like a duck,, I would call itr a duck, and not a kitten..
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Hello AT4. I am a birth mother, and sadly one of the one's who's partner did as sfreeman6 stated...took off half way through the pregnancy, could have a relationship with our daughter if he chose to but doesn't want one. It makes me sad that bdads like him are giving you all a bad rap, because I know not all of you are like this. I really wish more bdads who are active in their children's lives would speak up to help dispel this idea. As for your concerns over what to do during visits other than take pics and smile, its actually not uncommon for fathers to not always know how to bond with a child until they're a little older. A lot of men are more interactive, so a small baby that doesn't do much but eat, sleep and poop can be a foreign concept. Doesn't mean you don't love them, it just means you haven't found your place with them yet. I wouldn't worry about it too much just yet. All relationships take time and work, and the ones formed through adoption are no exception. It may seem on a different plane than other friendships or family dynamics since its all based around a child, but the same principles apply. Start thinking of the aparents as family and it might give you a better idea of how to progress with the relationship.
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