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How long do you go without ANY contact from birthparents before you just stop updating?A little background--My daughter came to us at 4 months old, she was a foster child, and her birthmother's rights were involuntarily terminated because birthmother did not work her caseplan. Birthfather was never named--birthmom refused to name anyone.My daughter is now 4 years old, the adoption has been finalized for 2 years now, and I haven't heard from birthmom in over a year. It's been 15 months and no emails, no letters, no response to the 2 updates w/ pics I sent in the past 15 months. No response to the medical history questions I asked. When she was making contact with me, it was sporadic and infrequent, but I definitely would get 1-2 contacts from her over a year's time-- mostly just thanking me for pictures and acting like she had important medical information that she just couldn't divulge to me yet. There are diagnosed mental health issues (bi-polar and personality disorder NOS) as well as a long history of drug/alcohol abuse.At what point (if ever) would you just call this adoption closed? Would you just continue to mail a yearly update with a couple pics? When I noticed her communication was dropping off, I told myself that I would at least do a yearly update w/ pics so she'd know that my daughter is alive, doing well, how she looks, etc. But it's hard when birthmom gives us nothing -- no letters/notes/emails. Certainly no updated photos or medical information. I honestly don't even know if she's alive or if she's still living at the same address (likely she is, since it's her parents address and she can't hold a job). She is not active on facebook, doesn't respond to regular mail or emails, and a google search on her turns up nothing-- including nothing in our state's arrest records so I know she's not in prison.Edited to add-- I just went through the emails in my email, and she's contacted me 4 times in nearly 4 years via email. Never by regular mail. And nothing in the past 15 months.
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You had mentioned that you think that the birthmom lives with her parents...do you ever communicate with them? If anything was to happen to the birthmom they could let you know, or could give you updates on family medical issues. I would imagine they might like pictures and letters too.
I cant speak as an adoptive parent, but as an adult adoptee I would have appreciated my adoptive mother putting the effort in to keep the lines of communication open with my birthfamily, had that been an option.
I imagine that the lack of response from the birthmother is disheartening for you, but I wouldnt give up. She may not give you the response you would like, but it is about and for the adoptee. You might not have much information to give to your daughter when she asks, but that will not be because you were the one to stop.
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Mrs.J
If you said you'd do it, do it, if only so you can tell your child you fulfilled your end of the agreement. I believe that will mean more to her than if her birthmother followed through or not - she knows that YOU did.
I will likely continue to send updates roughly once a year with a couple pictures and see if anything is different in 3 years or so. If I haven't heard from her over a 5 year period, I probably won't continue to send updates without verification that she is at least alive and that I have the correct address to send things to. She could literally be anywhere.
jmd5294
There is no agreement, verbal or otherwise, to speak of between birthmom and me. It was something I told myself that I should do. Nothing was discussed with or promised to birthmom when her rights were terminated. She was busy living in denial land the whole time dd was in foster care, so when rights were terminated, and it became a real thing, it was very, very hard for birthmom to process. She was not interested in discussing anything with me or the caseworkers regarding adoption (which is also why we have no family medical history).
I know this is an older thread - but I just saw it today. We agreed in our contract with the agency to provide updates on a certain schedule, although the agency never asks for them unless the birthmom asks. So that is different from your situation.Our daughter has been with us for 4 months now (infant adoption). We heard from her bmom in the beginning but then they had money problems. Now they don't have a phone. The agency isn't even hearing from them and is holding the updates we've sent. I still update a FB page I set up for them and I send the printed updates. I don't get any response from most of my attempts at contact. What I know is she told me the updates help her. It helps her know that our daughter is okay. My husband feels more like you. He wants to stop putting the effort into updates if we don't hear from her. My response was, it's not that much effort and at some point she's going to ask the agency for them. I want them to be there then. I had asked a medical question when she was in contact and never got an answer. I think it was just too much for her. I don't know what's going on in her life right now. I don't know what challenges she's facing. I don't know why she stopped contact without a word (she had said she would call at a specific time and never did). I agree with Dakotabluebaby though. The updates are about the relationship our daughter may someday have with her. One thing I'm doing that makes it easier to me (although it might not work for everyone) is making digital scrapbook pages (you can probably do it through shutterfly too, I just haven't checked). I print 2 copies - one for our scrapbook and 1 I send to her. This makes it not feel so much like I'm doing something just for her. Maybe something similar would help you.
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Hi, I know this is a late response, but my first question is, is this a open adoption? If not, I would cut off all contact! I think this should be a mandate in the some cases that desire no birth contact. Birth Contact always and I mean always.....make adoptions, foster placement hard...if we want to be honest with ourselves (foster parents and adoptees)...they children you give all the love and care turn on you and never really bond with you if they have constanct contact with the birth family...I myself..would not worry about it, if you do not have anything in writing..legally..she is your child...I am a adoptive parent of some children..they have a sister adopted elsewhere..they are elementary aged, but they had some really serious issues transpire amongst them...when they lived together, so they got split..I been struggling with them talking to her..because..I think something more happeneded that was not disclosed...I am planning on waiting until they get at least 12 or 13 or as long as I can to let them contact her again..
PApplewhite78
Hi, I know this is a late response, but my first question is, is this a open adoption? If not, I would cut off all contact! I think this should be a mandate in the some cases that desire no birth contact. Birth Contact always and I mean always.....make adoptions, foster placement hard...if we want to be honest with ourselves (foster parents and adoptees)...they children you give all the love and care turn on you and never really bond with you if they have constanct contact with the birth family...I myself..would not worry about it, if you do not have anything in writing..legally..she is your child...I am a adoptive parent of some children..they have a sister adopted elsewhere..they are elementary aged, but they had some really serious issues transpire amongst them...when they lived together, so they got split..I been struggling with them talking to her..because..I think something more happeneded that was not disclosed...I am planning on waiting until they get at least 12 or 13 or as long as I can to let them contact her again..
I understand your desire to honor your promise. I wish I had your situation :)
IMHO, the onus of contact falls to bmom. If you haven't moved, changed your email, phone number, etc (however you have communicated in the past), then it is now bmom's responsibility if she desires contact to make the move to communicate.
PApplewhite78
Hi, I know this is a late response, but my first question is, is this a open adoption? If not, I would cut off all contact! I think this should be a mandate in the some cases that desire no birth contact. Birth Contact always and I mean always.....make adoptions, foster placement hard...if we want to be honest with ourselves (foster parents and adoptees)...they children you give all the love and care turn on you and never really bond with you if they have constanct contact with the birth family...I myself..would not worry about it, if you do not have anything in writing..legally..she is your child...I am a adoptive parent of some children..they have a sister adopted elsewhere..they are elementary aged, but they had some really serious issues transpire amongst them...when they lived together, so they got split..I been struggling with them talking to her..because..I think something more happeneded that was not disclosed...I am planning on waiting until they get at least 12 or 13 or as long as I can to let them contact her again..
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I sent bm an update a few weeks ago w/ a handful of pics, because I needed to let her know that we closed down our email address that I'd been using to communicate. I gave her the address to our po box, so hopefully, at some point, she will reach out to us.
I am going to continue sending updates w/ pics once a year unless/until my daughter tells me she doesn't wish for me to send the updates. Once a year is definitely not too much, and it's easier to stomach the lack of response when I remind myself (thanks to you guys) that this is for my daughter, not for bm.
PApplewhite78
Hi, I know this is a late response, but my first question is, is this a open adoption? If not, I would cut off all contact! I think this should be a mandate in the some cases that desire no birth contact. Birth Contact always and I mean always.....make adoptions, foster placement hard...if we want to be honest with ourselves (foster parents and adoptees)...they children you give all the love and care turn on you and never really bond with you if they have constanct contact with the birth family...I myself..would not worry about it, if you do not have anything in writing..legally..she is your child...I am a adoptive parent of some children..they have a sister adopted elsewhere..they are elementary aged, but they had some really serious issues transpire amongst them...when they lived together, so they got split..I been struggling with them talking to her..because..I think something more happeneded that was not disclosed...I am planning on waiting until they get at least 12 or 13 or as long as I can to let them contact her again..
jmd5294
I sent birthmom an update a few weeks ago w/ a handful of pics, because I needed to let her know that we closed down our email address that I'd been using to communicate. I gave her the address to our po box, so hopefully, at some point, she will reach out to us.
I am going to continue sending updates w/ pics once a year unless/until my daughter tells me she doesn't wish for me to send the updates. Once a year is definitely not too much, and it's easier to stomach the lack of response when I remind myself (thanks to you guys) that this is for my daughter, not for birthmom.
We hear nothing. I send updates - try to portray as well as I can our daughter's personality and who she is, but I do not send pictures. Her bio parents were unsafe, and there were lots of various drugs and domestic violence, and a complete detachment from reality with regard to adoption (they're still thinking three years later that they will get her back). Since I do not hear from them, to know how they are doing, to have any kind of communication with them, I do not send pictures of my child. I know where they are, and I know they get my updates. And I ask them to let me know how they are, tell them we'd love to hear from them. But I do not feel comfortable sending complete strangers photos of my child (strangers to me - since they will not communicate with me). And if they won't respond to any communication, and all arrows point to they are still living in ways that would put my daughter at risk, they don't need to be able to recognize her. If they were to respond, maybe let me know how they are doing, (maybe acknowledge that the adoption really happened) then we would feel a bit better about letting them have pictures of her.
I will always send updates and share cute stories - forever until adulthood. Even though there was no agreement and I never hear form them. Even if they are unsafe, I can share in ways that still protect my child. But identifying info, including photos, are only given if I feel okay with it (so for 2 of my three children, I send pics).
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Try try try... try for your kiddo who's going to want to know that you tried. My daughter was taken at birth and I adopted her through foster care. She's almost two now and I continue to send updates to her bio mom. I want my daughter to know I loved her beyond her moms issues.
Our adoption was a kinship adoption and let me tell you dd's bmom is not a kind, misguided young lady that had more kids than anyone could take care of. She did and continues to struggle with mental health problems and like a pp said. You cant expect people with issues to act as if they dont have them.
Best of luck. Keep updating! :)
Not all kids do.....I have experienced it...I respect your experience...but respect mine as well....I know that some kids do not do well with their birth families..it ruins them and when they leave and go home after they emancipate...they realize and they fail and want to come back.....believe me this has happened to me more than once with several foster children..and they wish that they never even knew their real families....