Need advice about keeping an adoption open or closing it

There is a big likelyhood that she won't "choose to keep the baby boy" infact without any change in her behavior he will likley be taken away as well (would you be open to his placement?) and will likely place him for adoption as well or decide to fight for him and change her life to get him back. Wether you should or shouldn't keep contact is a decison that only you can make, living in those shoes and knowing all the ins and outs of the circumstances. I have tried for over 7 years to keep making and re-making that decision. Either answer would have been right. We could have walked away early on, it's much harder to walk away years later when you have invested so much and the child knows more about what is happening and has been affected by it along the way. My advice would be don't push for a relationship. Set firm boundaries. Offer the visit, if she doesn't show then don't try and make up that visit. Let her come to you, if she doesn't then let it drop. I've waisted so many years of my life trying to encourage a relationship that was very one-sided. You can't change her. You can't force her or make her show she cares. These complicated relationships are so difficult to manage. Either way your child will be hurt. You just have to weigh what you want her future to look like, and how much involvement you want her bmom to have in her life.

That was what I first thought of when I read the first post. Chances are whether she gives him up voluntarily or CPS steps in, she will probably not raise this baby boy. Sounds like she needs to grow up a lot. I know you want to do everything you can to reduce the hurt for your baby. I agree with momof6's advice. Don't push the relationship, but definately set boundries. Leave the door open for a relationship with the bMom and let her decide if she wants to come through it or not. Maybe in the future she will have gotten her life together and things will be better. I would imagine that her being your cousin makes it more complicated. As an adult adoptee, I would have liked to have had the chance to grow up knowing my birthfamily, had that been an option.

Thanks for the feedback, My husband and I actually recently finished our foster-adopt classes and are awaiting approval. We would with out a doubt also take babys brother. Infact Bmom has brought it up here and there whenever her boyfriend leaves her, it she needed us to, would we be willing to take him. And she knows our answer as we have spoken about it a million times. But the babys father is currently in the picture and i honestly think that's the only reason bmom is planning to parent. My little girls bdad was never in the picture. Anyways, I do think that baby brother will end up being taken by CPS just as baby girl was, I think it's just matter of time and if she wants to change before he is born. I do know that If I decide to stop trying to keep this adoption wide open, that I would send letters and pcitures every few months.. And baby girl still visits a few members of her bfamily. But only the ones who are good for her to be around. i dont allow all the drug abusers in her bfamily to be around her but do still provide updates for their piece of minds. I guess for now, I may just "wait it all out" and see how things play out. I just know from my own childhood experience (i was abandoned by my bmom from 1-8, raised by dad and smom) how much being exposed to the ugly truth can hurt. sometimes now and even when i was younger, i wished I didnt know my bmom..because she wouldnt have been able to hurt me even more, on top of the abandonment. :confused:

I agree, I struggle with the same thing. My Dad was in and out of my life and caused me so much heartache, yet I had this undying love and forgiveness for him. When we adopted through fostercare, in a situation where my child was around 3, I felt such a need to keep the relationship with her birthmom open because I could remember how important my Dad was to me even through him not being there for me most of my youth. When we struggled with the openess in the adoption and how it was affecting my dd, it jsut brought me right back to the place with my father, being hurt by him yet still dying to know he hadn't forgotten me and that he loved me. The more and more trials we faced in the open adoption (it's been 7 years now) the more I have questioned it as well as my own childhood. COuld I have been saved from so much pain had someone stood up for my rights to be treated caringly. Would I have had a better more secure childhood and self esteem. I think I may have. Would I have become bitter with my mother if she had kept him from me, on those times he did want to see me? maybe, unless she really conveyed to me the reasons why it wasn't a good idea. Would I have been able to avoid all the hurt along the way and maybe opened the door to a better chance at getting to know each other when I became an adult. (without all those memories as a child always in the background of how much he hurt me when he wasn't there for me). Maybe Now I face the same question with my daughter. Is it better for her to not have anymore contact (7 years into this thing) because things are so hard on her, with it being open? Or by closing it will she become angry with me, that I didn't keep trying.? Maybe. Now she is 10 1/2 and we have talked and she says she understand the question at hand and the reasons why and she says she is okay with it. But then I wonder if that will changeover the years, particularly her teen years? There's no way to no. But in your case while the child is still young and so innocense and nieve to the situation, I think this is the BEST time to make this decision. Before she grows up feeling that constant added hurt, of knowing the person, and seeign them come in and out of your life and not be there for you. That doesn't just open up the cut over and over again, in my experience it is liek a thousand slashes to the already huge cut, add some dirt and perfect recipe for...well...the situation I've been trying to figure out in our lives. It's just a much harder decision when you have to make it years later, verses right from the begining.

Hi, I'm the adoptive mom of a 15 year old boy who we adopted at birth. We have recently started family therapy for behavior issues and came to realize how much adoption affects our family dynamics. I was advised to read "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Newton Verrier by our therapist. It is not long or difficult but is eye opening. I wish so much I had known about and read this book when my son was as young as your daughter is now. I was clueless about the issues she has researched ( she is herself an adoptive mother) . Our adoption has always been open and my son's birth mother hasn't always been present or reliable, but I believe although often more difficult, it is the best alternative for each adopted CHILD! you do not, however, need to do all of the work. your adoption can remain open without you needing to do a thing more. leave the door open, but let the birth-mother suit up and show up on her own! Good luck with your wonderful daughter . You're already taking the time to make her well-being your priority. Bless you and please read the book!

I want to add to my reply, that over the years my son's birth mother's life has improved dramatically. She is in touch with our son, and with me, through Facebook and very willing to meet and talk with him. She has a very good relationship with all of her children as well, and they too keep in touch with my son mostly VIA Facebook.Much can change with time and a good relationship with a healthy, caring birth-mom can be a huge asset for your adopted child as they go through adolescence especially!We can't predict the future, so again, my advice is to keep your child's adoption open for her sake!!

With the parents I chose they at first had the adoption open but for no apparant reason they decided to close the adoption and would not allow me contact out of fear. But your situation sounds extreame. I can understand your frustration and I don't think it would be benefitial for your child if you let her bmother create havoc in her life. I would close the door maybe temporarily and open it only *if* the bmother here shows a marked improvement in her life, and a seriousness about being a good mother to her new child. R.

I just wanted to update everyone who responded and helped me to make a decision about Keeping the door open or shutting it for now. My daughter's Bmom has taken a turn for the worse. Her Boyfriend (the unborn baby's father) has beat her up pretty bad twice now and the last time the hospital got CPS involved. I know CPS reached out to Bmom, But I'm not real sure what came of it. I was told they just offered services. And then a few weeks back, Bmom's high risk doctor turned her in for neglect as she hasent been to the doctor since week 14 (she is now in week 30).. I guess due to her medical issues, it's neglect? Anyways, Things are still not good enough in her life for her to be a stable person in my daughter's life, but for now, I cannot justify "closing the door. " I now talk to Bmom at least weekly and we message eachother every few days on facebook. It still bothers me that she rarely asks about my daughter, but I'll just take as, She knows that my daughter is still in good hands. I guess her staying close with me must give her a sense of closeness with my daughter even though she doesn't attempt to see her etc. I love my daughter's Bmom very much, and I suppose it just hurts to see how her life is lately and thinking about the grief that my daughter may have when she is older automatically puts me in that "defensive and P'd off" mode. Although it does still bother me Bmom has not seen or attempted to see my daughter since the first week of September, I also know it's not good for my daughter to have someone pop in and out or to have someone unstable around, So maybe Bmom knows this too and that's why she keeps her distance. .. who knows. Anyways, Just wanted to say thanks again for the advice and suggestions and personal experiences. They all helped me to realize what was the right thing for my family at the moment :love:

It sounds like that is the best gift you can give your daughter. To love and support her birthmom and be a rock for her. Your right it may be a good thing that she is out of your daughters life for right now. She needs to work on getting her own life together first before she can be that positive influence in your daughters life. Until she can do that and be that the best you can do is to show her that you love her and care for her.

My son's bmom passed away so that isn't an issue. But his bfather was given the option of an open situation. My only requirement was that he be clean. He told me that he couldn't do that. That was 9 months ago and I haven't heard from him at all. I am in contact with his uncle, aunt, grandparents and his other 2 children, but he has chosen not to call us at all. I know he cares for my son, but he told his uncle that he felt it was better to stay away since he had no concerns about my son's care and welfare. He knows he is loved. Not what I would choose, but the choice is not mine to make. I will always tell my son that his addiction was stronger than his ability to parent and that one day, he may come around. There is nothing else I can do.