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After 7 years with us my 13-yr-old is still not attached to us. And she's an angry, spiteful kid with no friends. :(
She's back in therapy (1 mo) because her behaviors are so noticeable now that her 2 sibs are more attached (they have their own issues, but doing much better than this middle one).
Ex: every morning she picks fights with sibs which rile them up, but calm her down. (Dopamine?)
She's snippy with everyone and just not very fun to be around. (Though later n the day she's actually calmer and more cheerful. If it has been a calm day, she'll greet Dad with warmth. If not, she'll snarl at him when he gets home from work. ...I homeschool them.)
Anyway, because she refuses to talk in attachment therapy and "I don't know" is her answer to every question, her attachment therapist wants to try EMDR with her.
But does this work with a kid who won't cooperate? She tried it last visit, held the vibrating pieces in each hand, but did she really picture the event that the therapist described? (Had her return to an event that had gotten her so mad--when SHE lashed out at sis for cheating at a game of cards. Turns out 13-yr-old suspected sib's cheating and felt "dumb" to have been tricked when sib finally admitted it. (Ripped sib's book when sib admitted. HUGE feeling, inappropriate behavior.)
So I'm wondering if this will work if she refuses to picture that event and work through it (to the positive of being perceptive/smart at having suspected the cheating). ???
I don't know. Something has to work. This is an angry, sullen, ticked off kid who refuses to let anyone into to her heart. :(
And for the record, I woe be ticked at sib for cheating, too. But I wouldn't grab her book and rip pages out of it!
Just today she came to breakfast table without showering (house rule for stinky teens). I sent her back up to shower, so she yelled as older sib who was in shower: "Hurry up! You're taking too long! YOU got me in trouble!" (Projecting guilt/blame.)
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I'm not a therapist but I have had some EMDR therapy myself. I found it to be amazing and to work wonders. I had issues with being teased in childhood (we'd now call it bullying) that continued to affect me in adulthood. I would recommend EMDR to anyone.I'm not sure how it will work if she doesn't cooperate. It seems to me that to be effective it might have to go back further than a recent incident with her sibs. Did she experience trauma before she came to you? If she did she may have to work on that through EMDR before you see results. I'll say it again, though, I'm not a therapist. Her therapist may know she's not ready for that or may know that's not an issue.
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I've also used EMDR. Extensively after my brother's suicide a couple of years ago. We tackled that trauma along with others. It worked wonders, but it was HARD work. Very hard. And yes, it required cooperation. The patient has to think about and face their trauma in order for it to be effective. Otherwise, it's just clicking and flashing lights. An expensive light show.If you are considering it, make sure your daughter is willing and ready to undergo this. It's hard. I was in my late 30s and often cried and screamed through my sessions and then left exhausted. But it worked and I am not bothered by the traumas of my past as much any more. They are still there, but in places in my brain where I can deal with them and they don't control my life if that makes any sense.I hope some of this helps. If t were me, I'd be sure to research it extensively. If it isn't done right, it can actually cause more damage. Get a good clinician, one who's certified and has worked with traumatized children especially ones with RAD.
Thanks for sharing your personal experiences! I have watched YouTube demos using the buzzing hand-held device. (Our attachment therapist, who became certified 2 years ago, uses that instead of the eye movement wand.)In the car after her first session, my daughter called it "boring." My guess is therapist used a recent example of her difficulty regulating her emotions because it was "safe" and she might be willing to work through it. She has NEVER "worked" in AT, but would "play" bonding games with me. But now she feels too old for that, so she refuses. She won't let me hold/rock her (never did--always stiff), so I have to sneak in the side hugs and back rubs when I can. ;)Not sure what traumas she experienced at 0-6 because she claims "I forget," though we know of severe neglect and witnessing birth parents fighting/yelling. Don't think there was physical or sexual abuse of kids, but can't say for sure since none seem to remember (or have conflicting stories. Ex: "our first mom was peachy." ...."No she wasn't, she was brown!" She had curly hair. No, she had straight!"....They were left alone and with various strangers so often, they may not even have a mental pic of birthmom!) :(EtA: Our AT never forces a kid to do anything. If they won't cooperate, she'll try to play to have them open up. And if that doesn't work, she'll send me home with tips. Ex: after last session she told me to ask daughter WHERE she feels her "mad" when she's reacting to sibs. Somehow knowing if she feels it in stomache, throat, head is supposed to help with emdr. But when I ask, daughter just says "I don't know. That's a weird question." Ahhhhhhh!
Without your daughter's cooperation and a willingness to face her trauma, I just don't see this working right now. Maybe in a few years when she is more ready though.EMDR is expensive. Please don't keep paying for her to play around with this. No need to drain your pocket book on something not beneficial to her or your family.
Thankfully it's just another tool in our AT's box. She charges us the same copay whether she tries EMDR or has me hand feed her sweet things after getting eye contact (attempt at relaxed/playful bonding). Since the traditional dyadic (parent-child) model wasn't working (because she refuses to speak, to be held), she's trying EMDR.
Just had another session today. Therapist not willing to dig up old traumas, yet. Trying to deal with current over-the-top reactions to kiddo's big feelings so that eventually she can work through them more logically and less fight-or-flight. Ex: The flipping out when I had her go back and take shower before breakfast. Today AT had her feel those mad feelings, then guided her into seeing that Mom wanted her to be clean AND well-fed because that's a mom's job--to help their kids be healthy (and clean). And that her anger at sib was misplaced anger at me which stemmed from negative self perception. (It could have triggered an unconscious memory of food being withheld or starving. Even though the breakfast wait would have only been 10 min., her blowup showed that to her it was an eternity---and that was probably how she felt as a starving toddler.) Of course at the time I just saw it as over-the-top, weird kid antics! :arrow:
So more for me to think about. It doesn't seem to be hurting, and not sure that it's helping her as much as it is me to see other ways of looking at my kiddo's deplorable behaviors. ;)
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