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I am a female, born 21 years ago to my birth Mother in upperstate New York. My birth Mother is a crack addictic and had 5 kids before myself, Me, and than 5 kids after me- she bore 13 kids in total (I know of 10, 2 I dont).
I was born prematurely in mid Sep 1991 (was supposed to be born in Dec) and was so small I could fit in your hand. I was a crack baby and was in an incibuator for the first few months of my life on life support. Meanwhile, my birth father was in prison right after I was born. My birth Mother gave birth to me, zipped up her pants, stayed just a minute longer to name me, than walked out the hospital doors and disappeared.
I was taken in by my foster mother and the rest of her foster kids, thinking that one of her two sons, who is the father to my oldest four siblings, was my father also. A perternity test proved otherwise- my bio Mom was a ****. When I was released, my fosther mother got a social worker to come and bring me to her house where I lived for the first four years of my life. My foster mother had a therapist come in weekly and do therapy on my legs and arms and help me learn to crawl and be able to move physically. I had surgery on my eyes so I would be able to see. I slept in a crib right next to my birth mother's bed with a breathing tank hooked up so I could breathe normally.
It didnt help that at the time, my foster mother smoked and so did my best friend's parents (Foster mom quit a few years ago, my best friend's parents still smoke). I dont believe my birth mother ever came to see me while I stayed there as a toddler; B/C I had a foster Mom, she took on the role of 'Mommy' while I would consistantly state outloud 'Where's my Daddy? I want my Daddy'. My best friend, born exactly one week before me, 7 days, was my constant playmate and best friend and to this day, the bond between us is literally unbreakable.
She was born normally and when we learned how to talk, she would ask my foster mother- her grandma- why I couldn't come and play with her; I was able too once I learned how to walk and talk however. Thankfully, my best friend's Mom and Dad took me on as thier own daughter from the second I was placed in the foster home, and are literally my 2nd set of parents. One of my older sisters Brooke and my 2nd oldest brother Brandon, I believe 11 and 13 at the time, were there to play with me , as were the other kids. Finally, about mid July, two months before I turned four, my foster mother informed me that I was finally getting a father, that they were building a house in Flordia, and that he would be coming soon to get me. I was estatic.
When I finally met my parents, they apparently said gently, 'Hi Briana' and played with me a bit on the floor with my toys. I went and lived with them for a few months before the adoption process was complete. About a month after I settled in, I became very sick one night at dinner and had to be taken to the emergency room for I had some type of stones that start w/an R in my liver, some type of stones that the nurses and doctors say they had only ever seen in adults. I stayed in a week, they removed the stones and I was good to go.
Growing up, I had learning disabilities and forgetting the simplest things but I also got in trouble like all kids do- nothing drastic however. Every few months, I would ask about my birth parents and my Mom and Dad would tell me all they knew: That I had a big family, that my birth Mom had walked out on me after giving birth and that no one had any idea who my birth father was. Little did I know, they had paperwork on all my sibblings and knew of each and every one, all 12, but I wasnt able to know anything until I turned 21. Besides some learning disabilities and a few odd habbits like twisting my fingers on top of one another so that they look like pretzels (it's comforting, I still do it perodically to this day w/out even realizing it), I was a normal kid.
I, of course, matured later. I didnt gain the confidence to wear a bikini until last year and have yet to be out on a date with a guy, due to the fact that I'm so small and look like I'm 13 or 14 when I'm 21. Regardless, it's b/c I got the short end of my bio family gene pool. Then two years ago, out of the blue one day on FaceBook, I get a message from this girl named Phylicia stating that she's my 9 month older sister and that she's always wanted to meet me and Starr, our younger sister, who is severly screwed up physically (no one has any idea where she is or what happened to her), whom I've heard of a couple times (my parents were once thinking of adopting her) and that our brother Blaise was there too, they had grown up together and for me to call her.
I was shocked, stunned and scared but I called her anyway. Her and Blaise had been put together from birth and have no problems, completely normal, physically, mentally and socially. They've been homeless and done drugs and in different foster homes and experienced life to the fullest, the best and worst of it all. I've done NOTHING- my parents were strict and came down hard on me but at the same time, sheltered me for my protection. They knew that if I went out and tried to experience life like normal teenagers do, I would make a fool out of myself. I'm grateful for it sometimes b/c I know that I wasn't mentally mature at that point, but I almost am now. I spoke to them both on the phone the first day we got in contact and Phylicia would talk a mile a minute, excited as can be. Blaise stayed quiet when I would ask him about his life growing up or ask what he liked to do- the only thing he would say was that he needed to tell me something (he sounded nervous) and he proceeded to tell me softly that he loves me, which scared me to death at the time. He stayed quiet when I asked him about his life growing up, what he liked to do, what thier parents were like. He did however, have w/a sharp response when I tried to bring up our birth parents, saying, 'Dont ever talk about Mom and Dad'. I said alright and again, tried asking him questions and waited for him to ask me questions about my life, and he never did.
Over the course of the next week, EVERYONE in my entire birth family, minus my birth parents and my oldest sibbling who doesnt talk to any of the family, contacted me on FaceBook, sending me FR's and messages, stating how happy they were to know me now, to have found me, that they'd always wondered. My bio grandmother (my bio Mom's mother) seemed sweet in the beginning but I soon came to the realization that she's the Mother B**** from He**, putting down me and my parents in any way, shape or form. (Meanwhlie, my bio father and my aunt and uncle on that side are the nicest people in the WORLD!) It got so bad that my dad finally had to send her a message warning her to back off, that I wasn't supposed to know about but the second she recieved it, my bio grandmother forwarded it onto me.
Meanwhile, my oldest sister turned out to be a B**** too and my sister who found me, Phylicia, would call me every day and put me down w/how inexperienced I am about life, (she was nice about it for awhile but than became tired and frustarated and kind of nasty in a polite way if that makes any sense). I would try to explain but she just couldn't understand. While all this is going on, periodically Blaise would message me (I think he messaged me 3 times in total, over the course of one year) stating that he always wonders how I'm doing, hopefully I was doing alright and that he'll always love me forever. It would make me smile when he would write on my facebook wall, cause it would be a total and complete surprise. Once I told him that I wanted to hear his voice and he gave me his cell and we talked for a few minutes and it made my day. He knew that I was planning on getting into the Army National Guard and he tried steering me towards the AirForce, claiming that there is a base right next to where he lives. He said he could get me in contact w/them but that unfortuantly, never went anywhere.
We both got Skype and I would try to make conversation, asking his life growing up, his interests besides playing guitar and he would just stay silent. The second time we Skyped, he had a girl in his sheets and completely ignored me. The third and final time, I was just getting out of the shower, still wrapped in my towel, peeked my head around the corner saying I had to get changed to see him sitting on his bed shirtless in Virgina Beach, texting. He barely glanced up as he said 'alright'. I changed, I would try to make conversation and he just stayed silent. A few months later on the 4th of July, I wished him a Happy 4th and he replied with 'Same to you' and that's the last contact we had for awhile. I didn't know what it was I had done. I was impatient, calling him about 4 or 5 times within the next two months, and he wouldnt answer his cell.
Finally, Phylicia informed me that he didnt talk to me anymore b/c I 'never have anything good to talk about', that I 'freaked him out when he saw me wrapped in my towel (why? It wasn't like I had stood there in front of the camera in my towel), and that he thinks I have a crush on him! I stood there, completely shocked and than sent him a message on FB asking him he couldnt just tell me this himself. He replied with, 'I never had anything good to say when we would Skype, that he didn't talk to me b/c he didn't want too.' I informed him that yeah, I thought he was a good looking guy but I didn't feel that way towards him. He retailated with, "STFU. Stop talking to me." I shot back that I would talk to him whenever I wanted, and for him to get his head out of his a**. He told me to 'F off' and for me to go 'find another brother to obsess over cause from the looks of it I'm F'in crazy'. I finally gave up, telling him that when he grows up and matures for him to then contact me. He said no and then blocked me on messaging and deleated me from his friends list.
Meanwhile, I went up north and met Phylicia and she acted nice at lunch stating how much more mature I seem in person which made me want to smack her across her face, it was like a stab in the back. While I was in New York, I made plans to meet up with my birth Mom- who had no problem meeting all of our other sibblings whenever they wanted the first time- and she promised me that we would meet, but she went ahead and abondon me again. The reality of her abondinging me a second time didnt hit me until later on. When I returned home about two weeks ago, Phylicia and Blaise's mom sent me a message stating for me to leave Blaise alone, that he doesn't wish to speak to me again and if he does, he knows how to reach me. I bit my tongue to resist snapping at her but I complied, bitterly.
Then last night after dinner, my Dad commented how I had become so distant with them since I had gotten in touch with my birth family a year ago- I never come down for dinner anymore, that I never want to do things as a family- that I care too much about the family up north, the family who doesn't care about me, who doesn't love me, who belittles me so I'll feel like I'm nothing and worthless. All I could do is shrug my shoulders as my eyes started to well and I burst out sobbing hysterically exclaiming that I couldn't believe that my birth Mom went ahead and abondon me again, that she had no problem meeting Phylicia and Blaise and all my other sibblings when they wanted- they've all ever met her once and my birth Mom went ahead and met them when they were scheduled to meet.
Mom and Dad were floored, stunned- they knew that I had problems w/my past but I had never really let it show until last night. Needless to say, I was a sobbing, hysterical mess as I informed them of how I've been feeling for the past two years. I told them that I couldn't believe that my bio Mom had the nerve to abondon me AGAIN- Dad informed me that that's how she is, that she has a very sick, twisted personality- a second time, and that I wish Blaise and Phylicia would take the time to get to really know me, as would all my other sibblings (most of whom treat me like crap).
My Dad said gently that I needed to let them go, that they aren't worth it at all. I nodded, swallowed, hiccuped and said that I understood that and said that I just couldn't, it was so hard. My Dad then suggested getting me help, a therapist of some kind, to help me work through my emtions and what I'm feeling; my Dad said that he honestly believes there's more to this entire thing of my adoption, that I'm not sharing with them, that I probably dont even know what it really even is, what it all really is. I nodded and said that I liked that idea.
I'm cooled off right now, today, but everything that I've been through (I'm not looking for sympathy, believe me) I just cant deal with anymore and want to be able to put everything that's happened in the past and not feel like completely utter crap 24-7 b/c of everthing that's happened, with everyone. My Dad stated that I was a much, much happier person before I had made contact with my birth family and Mom agreeded. They said that they want the old me back. Heck, I want the old me back!
Do you think talking to someone about this, with a professional background, will help me? Do you think that it'll allow myself to leave everything about my birth family, from the second I was born, to right now, this very moment, in the past and move forward?
Also, what should I expect from talking to a therapist?
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flordiachick33
Do you think talking to someone about this, with a professional background, will help me? Do you think that it'll allow myself to leave everything about my birth family, from the second I was born, to right now, this very moment, in the past and move forward?
Also, what should I expect from talking to a therapist?
I can't speak from personal experience about what you should expect from a therapist, but my gut reaction is that there's a lot of background here and I don't blame you for feeling overwhelmed. It seems to me that talking to a professional would most likely help. If I were in your shoes, that's a direction I'd want to go.
As to your question of whether talking with a professional will allow you to leave everything about your birth family, from the second you were born right up to the present, in the past...again, I am not a professional but my answer would be no. Again, there's a lot of ground to cover and issues to sort out, but it seems to me that the goal of talking with a professional should not be to forget everything and move on. It should be to explore these issues with someone who can help, to develop some good coping skills and then to use those skills to move forward.
I'm sorry to say that whatever our backgrounds, our pasts help to make us who we are in the present. I know it's overwhelming now, but I don't think you'd be doing yourself any favors by boxing all the past back up and forgetting it, even if that was possible to do. Learning from the past, coping with it and growing from the experience is a much more productive way to go.
I know...easy for me to say, right?
Best,
PADJ
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Wow, I'm so sorry you've been through so much emotionally since meeting your birth family. I can imagine that must have been a lot to adjust to all at once-especially if they weren't as kind and loving as you hoped they'd be. So, first of all, I just wanted to say that I'll be praying for you as you try to figure out how much contact to have with them. Secondly, I really think therapy is never a bad idea. Especially based on some of the experiences you related. So, it really might not hurt to take your dad up on his offer of counseling and see if you can work through some of this hurt you're dealing with. Maybe it would also be helpful to see if there was some sort of support group for adoptive children you could get involved in? Might just be helpful to hear from others in your shoes. Well, hang in there! I'm glad you seem to have such a loving adopted family!
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Yes, I think you could benefit a lot from speaking with a mental health professional. But, please make sure that mental health professional is knowledgeable about adoption issues.
Like PADJ stated, therapy is not a magic bullet. It's going to take some time to heal. You've been dealing with abandonment issues your entire life, so please don't expect the therapist to be able to help you solve your troubles over night. But, if you find one that you like and who knows about adoption, you can definitely make progress--and start putting your life back into place.
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Dear heart don't continue to chase after that which brings you hurt and pain.:hippie:
I sent you an email. Those that adopted us deserve something nice and it seems your dad has been trying to help you avoid getting hurt.
Sincerely,
flordiachick33
I am a female, born 21 years ago to my birth Mother in upperstate New York. My birth Mother is a crack addictic and had 5 kids before myself, Me, and than 5 kids after me- she bore 13 kids in total (I know of 10, 2 I dont).
I was born prematurely in mid Sep 1991 (was supposed to be born in Dec) and was so small I could fit in your hand. I was a crack baby and was in an incibuator for the first few months of my life on life support. Meanwhile, my birth father was in prison right after I was born. My birth Mother gave birth to me, zipped up her pants, stayed just a minute longer to name me, than walked out the hospital doors and disappeared.
I was taken in by my foster mother and the rest of her foster kids, thinking that one of her two sons, who is the father to my oldest four siblings, was my father also. A perternity test proved otherwise- my bio Mom was a ****. When I was released, my fosther mother got a social worker to come and bring me to her house where I lived for the first four years of my life. My foster mother had a therapist come in weekly and do therapy on my legs and arms and help me learn to crawl and be able to move physically. I had surgery on my eyes so I would be able to see. I slept in a crib right next to my birth mother's bed with a breathing tank hooked up so I could breathe normally.
It didnt help that at the time, my foster mother smoked and so did my best friend's parents (Foster mom quit a few years ago, my best friend's parents still smoke). I dont believe my birth mother ever came to see me while I stayed there as a toddler; B/C I had a foster Mom, she took on the role of 'Mommy' while I would consistantly state outloud 'Where's my Daddy? I want my Daddy'. My best friend, born exactly one week before me, 7 days, was my constant playmate and best friend and to this day, the bond between us is literally unbreakable.
She was born normally and when we learned how to talk, she would ask my foster mother- her grandma- why I couldn't come and play with her; I was able too once I learned how to walk and talk however. Thankfully, my best friend's Mom and Dad took me on as thier own daughter from the second I was placed in the foster home, and are literally my 2nd set of parents. One of my older sisters Brooke and my 2nd oldest brother Brandon, I believe 11 and 13 at the time, were there to play with me , as were the other kids. Finally, about mid July, two months before I turned four, my foster mother informed me that I was finally getting a father, that they were building a house in Flordia, and that he would be coming soon to get me. I was estatic.
When I finally met my parents, they apparently said gently, 'Hi Briana' and played with me a bit on the floor with my toys. I went and lived with them for a few months before the adoption process was complete. About a month after I settled in, I became very sick one night at dinner and had to be taken to the emergency room for I had some type of stones that start w/an R in my liver, some type of stones that the nurses and doctors say they had only ever seen in adults. I stayed in a week, they removed the stones and I was good to go.
Growing up, I had learning disabilities and forgetting the simplest things but I also got in trouble like all kids do- nothing drastic however. Every few months, I would ask about my birth parents and my Mom and Dad would tell me all they knew: That I had a big family, that my birth Mom had walked out on me after giving birth and that no one had any idea who my birth father was. Little did I know, they had paperwork on all my sibblings and knew of each and every one, all 12, but I wasnt able to know anything until I turned 21. Besides some learning disabilities and a few odd habbits like twisting my fingers on top of one another so that they look like pretzels (it's comforting, I still do it perodically to this day w/out even realizing it), I was a normal kid.
I, of course, matured later. I didnt gain the confidence to wear a bikini until last year and have yet to be out on a date with a guy, due to the fact that I'm so small and look like I'm 13 or 14 when I'm 21. Regardless, it's b/c I got the short end of my bio family gene pool. Then two years ago, out of the blue one day on FaceBook, I get a message from this girl named Phylicia stating that she's my 9 month older sister and that she's always wanted to meet me and Starr, our younger sister, who is severly screwed up physically (no one has any idea where she is or what happened to her), whom I've heard of a couple times (my parents were once thinking of adopting her) and that our brother Blaise was there too, they had grown up together and for me to call her.
I was shocked, stunned and scared but I called her anyway. Her and Blaise had been put together from birth and have no problems, completely normal, physically, mentally and socially. They've been homeless and done drugs and in different foster homes and experienced life to the fullest, the best and worst of it all. I've done NOTHING- my parents were strict and came down hard on me but at the same time, sheltered me for my protection. They knew that if I went out and tried to experience life like normal teenagers do, I would make a fool out of myself. I'm grateful for it sometimes b/c I know that I wasn't mentally mature at that point, but I almost am now. I spoke to them both on the phone the first day we got in contact and Phylicia would talk a mile a minute, excited as can be. Blaise stayed quiet when I would ask him about his life growing up or ask what he liked to do- the only thing he would say was that he needed to tell me something (he sounded nervous) and he proceeded to tell me softly that he loves me, which scared me to death at the time. He stayed quiet when I asked him about his life growing up, what he liked to do, what thier parents were like. He did however, have w/a sharp response when I tried to bring up our birth parents, saying, 'Dont ever talk about Mom and Dad'. I said alright and again, tried asking him questions and waited for him to ask me questions about my life, and he never did.
Over the course of the next week, EVERYONE in my entire birth family, minus my birth parents and my oldest sibbling who doesnt talk to any of the family, contacted me on FaceBook, sending me FR's and messages, stating how happy they were to know me now, to have found me, that they'd always wondered. My bio grandmother (my bio Mom's mother) seemed sweet in the beginning but I soon came to the realization that she's the Mother B**** from He**, putting down me and my parents in any way, shape or form. (Meanwhlie, my bio father and my aunt and uncle on that side are the nicest people in the WORLD!) It got so bad that my dad finally had to send her a message warning her to back off, that I wasn't supposed to know about but the second she recieved it, my bio grandmother forwarded it onto me.
Meanwhile, my oldest sister turned out to be a B**** too and my sister who found me, Phylicia, would call me every day and put me down w/how inexperienced I am about life, (she was nice about it for awhile but than became tired and frustarated and kind of nasty in a polite way if that makes any sense). I would try to explain but she just couldn't understand. While all this is going on, periodically Blaise would message me (I think he messaged me 3 times in total, over the course of one year) stating that he always wonders how I'm doing, hopefully I was doing alright and that he'll always love me forever. It would make me smile when he would write on my facebook wall, cause it would be a total and complete surprise. Once I told him that I wanted to hear his voice and he gave me his cell and we talked for a few minutes and it made my day. He knew that I was planning on getting into the Army National Guard and he tried steering me towards the AirForce, claiming that there is a base right next to where he lives. He said he could get me in contact w/them but that unfortuantly, never went anywhere.
We both got Skype and I would try to make conversation, asking his life growing up, his interests besides playing guitar and he would just stay silent. The second time we Skyped, he had a girl in his sheets and completely ignored me. The third and final time, I was just getting out of the shower, still wrapped in my towel, peeked my head around the corner saying I had to get changed to see him sitting on his bed shirtless in Virgina Beach, texting. He barely glanced up as he said 'alright'. I changed, I would try to make conversation and he just stayed silent. A few months later on the 4th of July, I wished him a Happy 4th and he replied with 'Same to you' and that's the last contact we had for awhile. I didn't know what it was I had done. I was impatient, calling him about 4 or 5 times within the next two months, and he wouldnt answer his cell.
Finally, Phylicia informed me that he didnt talk to me anymore b/c I 'never have anything good to talk about', that I 'freaked him out when he saw me wrapped in my towel (why? It wasn't like I had stood there in front of the camera in my towel), and that he thinks I have a crush on him! I stood there, completely shocked and than sent him a message on FB asking him he couldnt just tell me this himself. He replied with, 'I never had anything good to say when we would Skype, that he didn't talk to me b/c he didn't want too.' I informed him that yeah, I thought he was a good looking guy but I didn't feel that way towards him. He retailated with, "STFU. Stop talking to me." I shot back that I would talk to him whenever I wanted, and for him to get his head out of his a**. He told me to 'F off' and for me to go 'find another brother to obsess over cause from the looks of it I'm F'in crazy'. I finally gave up, telling him that when he grows up and matures for him to then contact me. He said no and then blocked me on messaging and deleated me from his friends list.
Meanwhile, I went up north and met Phylicia and she acted nice at lunch stating how much more mature I seem in person which made me want to smack her across her face, it was like a stab in the back. While I was in New York, I made plans to meet up with my birth Mom- who had no problem meeting all of our other sibblings whenever they wanted the first time- and she promised me that we would meet, but she went ahead and abondon me again. The reality of her abondinging me a second time didnt hit me until later on. When I returned home about two weeks ago, Phylicia and Blaise's mom sent me a message stating for me to leave Blaise alone, that he doesn't wish to speak to me again and if he does, he knows how to reach me. I bit my tongue to resist snapping at her but I complied, bitterly.
Then last night after dinner, my Dad commented how I had become so distant with them since I had gotten in touch with my birth family a year ago- I never come down for dinner anymore, that I never want to do things as a family- that I care too much about the family up north, the family who doesn't care about me, who doesn't love me, who belittles me so I'll feel like I'm nothing and worthless. All I could do is shrug my shoulders as my eyes started to well and I burst out sobbing hysterically exclaiming that I couldn't believe that my birth Mom went ahead and abondon me again, that she had no problem meeting Phylicia and Blaise and all my other sibblings when they wanted- they've all ever met her once and my birth Mom went ahead and met them when they were scheduled to meet.
Mom and Dad were floored, stunned- they knew that I had problems w/my past but I had never really let it show until last night. Needless to say, I was a sobbing, hysterical mess as I informed them of how I've been feeling for the past two years. I told them that I couldn't believe that my bio Mom had the nerve to abondon me AGAIN- Dad informed me that that's how she is, that she has a very sick, twisted personality- a second time, and that I wish Blaise and Phylicia would take the time to get to really know me, as would all my other sibblings (most of whom treat me like crap).
My Dad said gently that I needed to let them go, that they aren't worth it at all. I nodded, swallowed, hiccuped and said that I understood that and said that I just couldn't, it was so hard. My Dad then suggested getting me help, a therapist of some kind, to help me work through my emtions and what I'm feeling; my Dad said that he honestly believes there's more to this entire thing of my adoption, that I'm not sharing with them, that I probably dont even know what it really even is, what it all really is. I nodded and said that I liked that idea.
I'm cooled off right now, today, but everything that I've been through (I'm not looking for sympathy, believe me) I just cant deal with anymore and want to be able to put everything that's happened in the past and not feel like completely utter crap 24-7 b/c of everthing that's happened, with everyone. My Dad stated that I was a much, much happier person before I had made contact with my birth family and Mom agreeded. They said that they want the old me back. Heck, I want the old me back!
Do you think talking to someone about this, with a professional background, will help me? Do you think that it'll allow myself to leave everything about my birth family, from the second I was born, to right now, this very moment, in the past and move forward?
Also, what should I expect from talking to a therapist?
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