So Many questions and need help! 22 years and he found me...

When I first found my b-mom I went through this weird, undecided period of time where I didn't know what to call her. I knew we were related, but I didn't know her at all...very confusing. I finally just asked her one day "so...what do I call you?" She just kind of chuckled a little bit and said I should just call her <her name> like everyone else. I didn't push it, but that didn't feel right either. Using her name felt too formal and distant, but "mom" was my a-mom...nothing worked. I've since morphed into calling her mom, and she says the first time I did that it really stunned her. One thing I wondered about from your OP...you're confident that this Facebook contact is legitimate? In today's world it pays to be cautious, and sometimes it's tough to tell the legit contacts from the bad guys just trying to pry information from you. Lastly, this may be a little early on in the process, but given what you've described, do you want to have contact with him? Best, PADJ

Yes, the facebook encounter was very real. And yes I definitely want to be in contact with him. I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it all. I'm excited but afraid. I do not want to intrude in his life what so ever, so I am hoping he is receptive to me and my family. I think I'm almost afraid of rejection. My life now (married, kids, house, blah blah blah) is alot different than it was when I gave him up. I am thankful for all I have. But I don't want him to regret his decision to locate me. I am happy and I can't wait, but the waiting is killing me LOL:) Thanks for listening and your input! I totally appreciate it:) This site makes me realize I am not the only one who has ever felt this way. And its weird, its like my "dirty little secret" has been revealed and a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am so grateful for this opportunity. I hope he feels the same way. Ronney

AS a birthmum in reunion for 15yrs I so know where you are coming from. From being on these forums for a good few years I know every birthmum and adoptee have different experiences, needs, expectations of reunion. I can only talk about my experience etc. It is has been HUGE in my life. I met my daughter when she was 18. OMG OMG OMG! I was sooooooo nervous. 33 years on it all seems surreal that I had to walk away from that hospital and leave a little baby behind. The greif was, and has been overwhelming through my life, and although it hasnt defined who I am it has played a huge part in my life. I am both scared and happy for you. There is nothing I can say to help you from anything you are feeling right now other than to say you are not alone!!! My experience of reunion....basically I was plunged back into all the greif I felt when I first relinquished my baby. It blew my world away. Headaches, nausea, sobbing....mixed with elation, excitement and more sobbing. Everything came back to me. I couldn't even talk about it without the tears cascading to the surface. It has been a roller coaster, just know that everything you maybe feeling is normal!!!!! 15 years on we seem to be at a peace with most things. I have a great relationship with adoptive mum although sadly not with the adad as sadly he has kinda been estranged from their family through a marriage separation. Long story!!! I have even had contact with her bdad again....hmmmmmmm...hard but okay! Even though I was never ashamed that I had become pregnant out of marrige, and 99% of people in my life knew I had had a baby lost to adoption I can still relate to the dirty little secret feeling. Once I had met her I felt able to have her photo on my wall along with my three other raised children...and boy did I feel proud!!! I hpe everything goes well for you. I guess the harmony comes when you can both reach a place you are both happy with or can accept. It has been hard work but well worth every bit. Thoughts and hugs Susie

I suppose that you have to take it as a positive sign that he is looking for you. Someone who has no interest in finding their past doesn't go looking for it and for that reason I would think that your worries of intruding into his life should be lessened. It's interesting to me to hear a b-mom's perspective be almost identical to the worries I had when I finally got serious about searching (not wanting to intrude, hoping for a good reception, afraid of rejection, afraid of disappointing the other person...) so maybe you'll find that you have more in common than you may expect? Even being unsure and not knowing exactly what to do or say next can be a commonality. The other thought that I had is that this reunion should be about your son and you at first. Yes there are a lot of other people around you, and there may be others around him, but the bond and the reunion is between the two of you. I would recommend to start there and build as possible and appropriate. It's an interesting experience, isn't it? They don't call it "the roller coaster" for nothing. :D Best, PADJ

On a side note... I think I am going to weight 500 lbs by the time this is over. I know its emotional eating but I can't help it. I am not as bad as I was Monday, but still :/ I am sure it will get better. Thanks for all your support:) ronney

Hi RonneyKay Congratulations - I think every birthmother who has been contacted knows how you feel. It is fantastic, overwhelming, and the anticipation is 24/7You second-guess every scenario. I don't think there has been another time in my life that was so emotionally challenging. The thought of a reunion and finally knowing my firstborn really "rattled my cage". I thought of very little else - it filled my days with questions, fears and excitement. You asked "Are my children his Sister & Brothers? I think its kind of presumptuous of me to start calling us "related". You are definitely related, and your siblings are too - I called them half-brothers and sisters but it depends on how/if they form a relationship. In the beginning it was all about me and my son. In time, the rest of my family (son & daughter) took the relationship to the level they wanted. Go through the posts on this forum. You will get differing opinions but then every reunion is different. I've been in reunion now for 10 years and the emotional intensity has waned, but the love and respect for each other has grown. It's all about respecting each other and building trust - the same ingredients needed in any relationship. Take it slow - one day at a time - and be true to yourself. Don't forget to make time for your family because you need them to support you, and once you meet your son, remember he too has another family who love him and they are probably pretty worried that the family unit is threatened. I wish you many happy days ahead - Reunion is a blessing. Ann:flower:

I have decided to start journaling my experiences, feelings, thoughts, and all the other things that go with this on livejournal. If anyone wants to read it, PM me and I will be happy to give you my username. Thanks! Ronney