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I try to have a good relationship with those people that are a part of my life. I have a few close friends and a small adoptive family, and have not yet gotten the courage up to contact my birth family. Due to my own issues I guess I am kind of a loner...its not that I really want to be, I just am. Like many adult adoptees I have that empty feeling inside that hasnt been filled...the in a crowded room but still alone feeling I call it.
I am not a big fan of birthdays (besides that fact I hate getting older) I find that around this time I feel bummed. I know others on this site have mentioned that too so maybe that can be normal. It's cold and yucky out and Christmas(brings anxiety) is right around the corner, so maybe that makes it worse for me.
I am not a big fan of being the "birthday girl" as I hate being the center of attention in that way. I never really had birthday parties growing up, and have never had a surprise party. I think I hate the idea of people that may or may not really like you feeling obligated be attentive to you and give you gifts because it is your "special day". That stems partly from my interaction with some negative aFamily members.
Well this past week my birthday came and went. Almost everyone in my life forgot my birthday. I try to acknowledge them somehow on their birthday...by sending a card, text, post on their FB wall. Out of 9 family members on my FB I got one greeting. I know it sounds childish to have a slight pout on and be bummed by it....especially since it sounds contradictory to how I feel about my birthday. I wasnt expecting a big deal or nor did I want one....just an acknowledgement from some family and a few friends. I know this would probably hurt anyone's feelings, but coming from my adult adoptee view it really does make me feel unimportant and invisible....wow. Just venting.
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I don't think it sounds contradictory. I was adopted, I would probably be described by some as a loner...I don't remember birthdays ever being a big deal to be honest, but any more I consider mine to be just another day...something to keep Tuesday nailed to the rest of the week so to speak. It didn't alter my perception of my birthday even when I found out that my b-mom and I share the same day. I can only imagine how that must have been for her, to have an annual built in reminder of the child she gave up for adoption.
That said, I find it off putting when family or friends totally ignore the day. I don't need cards and streamers and cakes. Just to hear or read the words "Happy Birthday" is enough of a validation. Maybe it's related to being adopted, maybe it isn't, but I think we just need to occasionally hear the validation that we exist and matter.
Happy Belated Birthday! :D :cake:
Best,
PADJ
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Thank you all for the kind words.
I guess for me this was just the icing on the cake. I have been having a lot of personal issues this year, mostly emotional ones related to being an adult adoptee and all the things that are a part of that. Relationships, guilt, feeling alone, feeling lost, etc etc.
There is me, the only one on my family tree, as it start and stops there.
LR4
No one wants to feel as though no one cares about or remembers them.
PADJ
I think we just need to occasionally hear the validation that we exist and matter.
I spent the whole day one birthday with a singular wish that someone from my birth family would call me. We had been in touch for some time. That's the last birthday I will ever waste worrying about people who can't seem to grasp how much it would mean.I ruined my day. I chose to focus on people who are not capable for whatever reason of engaging. It's not fair to the people who do care about me. I suppose I had to go through that to recognize the fact that this all happened for a reason.Obviously I was not meant to be with them. My birthmother made it painfully clear to me her reasoning. She stated she doesn't make a fuss over holidays. She said she was finished with all of that. I think she simply didn't want to have to include me or my daughter.I am not sure why she chooses to be the way she is but I am finished making excuses for her to myself.My whole birth family tiptoes around each other and it's mind boggling. It's not who I am and no matter how much I would like to be part of this sideshow I am not.
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Having said that I tip my hat to you...Happy Birthday and to all the other people who wish for what may never happen; each birthday we can count on the fact that there are many others like us who are in the same boat.
You deserve much more and we should not waste our time on people who aren't able to see how much it would mean.
MeriAnn
I guess for me this was just the icing on the cake. I have been having a lot of personal issues this year, mostly emotional ones related to being an adult adoptee and all the things that are a part of that. Relationships, guilt, feeling alone, feeling lost, etc etc.
There is me, the only one on my family tree, as it start and stops there.
The Wanderer
Hi. I also recognize the need to be recognized. I am an adoptee, and I feel the importance of us and our need to feel important. Am I right?
I hate being noticed but I feel a need to be important. :)
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