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Why does every adoptee who writes about their unhealthy relationship start off her post with this tyoe of paragraph:
"First of all, I want everyone to know that I love my amom, she has given me everything and anything I have ever wanted and she loves me very much. I have no doubts about that."
It sounds more like an apology to an amom.
"Hi mom, first of all I don`t want t hurt you you were great but I gotta tell you something, you won`t listen, so here I am asking in this blog how to cope with your insecurities."
I am an adoptee and in writing my first paragraph I found myself writing exactly the above. Do we have to make it clear explicitly because we are afraid of sounding ungrateful?
I don't recall doing that but I know the feeling you're talking about. I think some of us want to make it clear that although we may be hurt, upset or angry about some or many aspects of adoption, that this doesn't mean we don't love our a-parents.
The issue is complex, so I think some of us try to separate the different sides of things this way.
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Adoptee_29Nov1972
Why does every adoptee who writes about their unhealthy relationship start off her post with this tyoe of paragraph:
"First of all, I want everyone to know that I love my amom, she has given me everything and anything I have ever wanted and she loves me very much. I have no doubts about that."
It sounds more like an apology to an amom.
"Hi mom, first of all I don`t want t hurt you you were great but I gotta tell you something, you won`t listen, so here I am asking in this blog how to cope with your insecurities."
I am an adoptee and in writing my first paragraph I found myself writing exactly the above. Do we have to make it clear explicitly because we are afraid of sounding ungrateful?
I guess many adoptees have found that most often disclaimers such as above are necessary in discussions, especially online, especially if you want the discussion to continue LOL. Especially if you're talking about an aparent! Some of it is a learned behavior I think.
Often if you don't use the disclaimer, one that hopefully paints you as a "loving, positive, attached and loyal child with a "good" adoption experience" (which is usually the case), the disclaimer so many want to hear only to begin with,,,
if you don't use the disclaimer - quite often you get labeled very quickly and you, or whatever it is that you are trying to share, are dismissed since it is coming from an adopted person who obviously didn't attach and doesn't have respect for their aparents.
You know, the negative angry ungrateful bastard label. Many see a person who is not like "my adoptee" or "an adoptee I know" so they couldn't possibly be of any help to my situation. What they say is ignored, dismissed.
I do think it has gotten a lot better, much better than 10 years ago at least! Then all you had to say was you wanted to search, or wanted to know and have a relationship with bio family to be labeled as negative and ungrateful. I am glad that has passed somewhat.
So much in common has been written by so many adoptees in the last decade that it would be really hard to call us all angry negative ungratefuls with all the complex and similar explanations given by so many. By so so many perfectly fine, positive, successful and well adjusted people.
There are still a lot of people out there that are ignorant to much of what has been discovered and shared by adult adoptees.
And yes, often we adoptees do it to ourselves too, we are all our own worst judge after all. There is tons of adoptee guilt involved in reunion, even in the best of reunion circumstances. I found the guilt very difficult to balance.
That's been my lot tho, when talking about my adoption I must give 3 positives to every 1 "negative" (like being sad about loosing your original family, wanting to reunite, or loving having your biofamily in your current life) about adoption or many just don't get it, simply don't want to hear it.
:rolleyes:
"Hi mom, first of all I don`t want t hurt you you were great but I gotta tell you something, you won`t listen, so here I am asking in this blog how to cope with your insecurities."
OK, that's just 2 funny! Got me snickering this morning, thanks!
It is similar to what I wrote in my first paragraph too.
Have fun!
There is tons to read about the adoptee disclaimers online LOL
It may help to know that sometimes aparents and bioparents feel they need to use their own disclaimers too.
It really is sort of funny to see the disclaimer parties. Sometimes it takes forever to get to the topic at hand, if we can even get to the topic before the discussion is derailed with disclaimer explanations. ug
"Do we have to make it clear explicitly because we are afraid of sounding ungrateful?"
You hit the nail right on the head for me with that statement. The need to not seem ungrateful is huge. My aparents did the best they could. I understand that. But understanding that doesn't make us close, unfortunately.
I was adopted at the age of 10, by my birthmom's estranged father and stepmother (my bio-grandfather and step-grandmother), and had been very close to my birthmom. The connection with my aparents was drastically different-- more about respect and duty than the deep and abiding unconditional affection my bmom and I shared. Does that make my aparents bad people? Not at all. Did it hurt as a kid to feel out of place all the time? To walk on eggshells for fear of getting sent away? Yes. The two things are simultaneously true. I doubt that I will ever be able to reconcile them.
Are respect and duty the same as love? Does it matter? I don't know.
But I do know that it is impossible for me to talk about the distinction with anyone who has not been through adoption. I know that attempting to discuss it with aparents, especially, is fraught with difficulty. Especially because, in most cases, adoptees end up in better socio-economic situations than our birthparents could have provided. So we are obviously "better off" in many ways than if our birth parents kept us.
Is it wrong that my happiest memories of childhood are from the days when I lived with my birthmom and bio-brother in a one bedroom apartment in South Jersey? When we only had one pair of shoes each, and we lived on food stamps? Is it wrong that love for me at that time was the way that I had dominion over my mother? that I would demand she wiggle her feet so I knew she was awake until I feel asleep and she would do it? That I would twist her hair in my fingers like it was my own? That everything I did and said was a joy and revelation to her, and she encouraged every creative impulse without reservation.
Was it wrong of my aparents to insist that I not talk about my life 'before' with my bmom, in New Jersey, for fear that I would upset my little sister? Was it wrong of them not to connect with me the same way they did with my sister? Was it wrong that they had requirements when they were the ones sending me to school and music lessons, feeding and clothing me?
Was it wrong that I would have given back all the music lessons for one moment where they saw me for who I actually am, and not just the collection of bad habits they needed to improve out of me, to prepare me for the Real World?
I don't know. I know that all my parents were doing the best they could. I know that I am grateful for all of them, and confused by all of them. And so the disclaimers come.
I was wondering this same thing today. It seems that any story of an adoptee searching begins with, "I love my a-family, fully satisfied with them, and don't wish to replace them in any way." Like we have to justify our search by downplaying its importance.
But then I think - what if that's not true for everyone. What if some adoptees really AREN'T satisfied with their a-families and that's why they search. Would that be okay? Would I be allowed to say that? Does it make me a bad person?
I know that in my personal experience, part of my decision to search is based in part on my dissatisfaction with my relationship with my a-parents. I've had every physical need met by them but not every emotional need. But sometimes I'm just afraid to say that, even to other adoptees.
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I'm pretty sure that I've been guilty at times in the past of writing that kind of paragraph. Not sure why...could be because for some reason I felt it was necessary to describe my background to others, or it was part of telling the story of the moment or making a point, or who knows what else.
I'm fairly certain however that in my case it did not have to do with worrying about sounding ungrateful. I can see where that could be a concern depending on one's relationship with their a-parents, but my a-parents wouldn't be reading a blog entry to find out anyway. Heck they can't work a computer and wonder why the thingie is called a mouse when it doesn't look like one...I kid you not.
Anyway, IMHO the decision to search or not, contact or not, reunite or not has never been about replacement. It's about completion. My b-parents have answers and perspectives that my a-parents just cannot and do not have.
Actually the reverse of that is true as well. My b-parents have no idea about how I was raised, my childhood, my life experiences. It's the combination of both of those that contributes to making me who and what I am.
Chiming in from an AP point of view - Whenever I talk about being infertile, I always feel like I have to put a disclaimer that my compliant has nothing to do with the love I have for our DS. I feel like society would look at the blessing of our DS and say to me that I do not have the *right* to complain. But, the reality is, there are still things that hurt about knowing that I will never carry a baby. I have had people tell me when I have been hurting over IF to look at what has come about from it, meaning our DS. But, deep down, adoption doesn't cure the feelings of IF. And, even there, I feel like I need to make the disclaimer that even though it still hurts, I feel more fulfilled in my love for our DS than I ever imagined I would feel for a child, biological or adopted.
Society does not understand the perplexities that surround adoption, so (me at least) we have to put a disclaimer to show that our questions, complaints, problems, etc. are separate from our feelings toward what we have been blessed with.
As an AP, unless our DS said something intentionally hurtful, I would not worry, if he had things that bothered him about being adopted, that it changed his love for me. In reality, I hope that he will feel comfortable enough to talk openly with us about that so we can support him the best we can. But, this comes from someone who understands.
My therapist has told me before that feelings are never wrong. There is always a valid reason for them to exist, whether people understand them or not. It's crappy that society judges other peoples feelings about a situation and does not give the support and love needed when questions arise. You *should* have every right to voice your questions, problems, hurts, etc. regarding being adopted and receive unconditional love and support in working through those. I am sorry that you are not.
Mandy
saubrey
But then I think - what if that's not true for everyone. What if some adoptees really AREN'T satisfied with their a-families and that's why they search. Would that be okay? Would I be allowed to say that? Does it make me a bad person?
I know that in my personal experience, part of my decision to search is based in part on my dissatisfaction with my relationship with my a-parents. I've had every physical need met by them but not every emotional need. But sometimes I'm just afraid to say that, even to other adoptees.
I appreciate your honesty, Saubrey. I think it is an ok thing to say, and that most adoptees would understand your point of view. Personally, I felt very disconnected from my a-parents while I was growing up. I know that another of my bio-siblings (who was adopted by a different family) felt the same way. We both recognize that our a-parents are not bad people in any way-- there was just something missing. Something that we could see in other families that we did not find in ours.
Our Birthparents, honestly, did not fill that space for me either, but my sister does, actually.