Support Needed

Where was your daughter for the first 8 years of her life? With bmom? Foster care? Who placed her for adoption, Bmom, or the govt?I can understand her need to connect with bmom. However, you and your husband are her parents, and you need to keep your daughter safe. In that spirit, I think you need to set firm boundaries concerning the contact they have. Doing that now is easier said than done. I am guessing bmom now has your address and phone number, and knows where your daughter attends school.If you have the court documents, then maybe it is time for you to share some of those with her. You don't want to go into gory details. One or two showing that bmom didn't show for court like she claimed is sufficient. You need to build trust so that your daughter comes to see that your side of the story is the truth.

DD was with her BM until age 5, then sent on a bus with older brother to live with BD ( who she never met). There was another man listed in her borth certificate as her bio dad-turned out not to be..... Anyway, they lived in a homelss shelter unless kids were taken for abuse/neglect. BM was living on the street. DD was in foster care for almost 3 years before coming to us. Im just afraid that if I do nothing, she will be manipulated but, if I interfere she will be sneaky and resentful. Seems like a no win. I do have court documents showing BM was a no show MANY timesa nd that my DD was considered abandoned. I also have much much more that shows DCFS had to step in many times witholder kids as well.... However, DD is already in denial about what she went through. She is in fantasyland and no one can tell her she was ever beaten, neglected, duct taped, starved, scarred or otherwise hurt while living with BM.

Get rid of FB, she's not legally old enough to have it anyway. Put monitors on the computer or limit to only academics so you know what she is doing there.Tell Bmom to butt out. You absolutely have that right and should do that due to her disrespectful attitude and lying to your dd. DD needs to hear the truth but likely isn't going to believe you. I suggest a very experienced therapist well versed in adoption issues.I'm sorry you are going through this and hope that you can find some healing in all this frustration. Your dd really needs it and needs it now, before the teen years.

Do you still have a relationship with your dd's social worker? Maybe the SW worker can share some truths. The GAl if one was involved, or her attorney. Hearing info from someone directly involved with her case before you came into the picture may help her come back to reality. Also, maybe a restraining order against bmom is in order.

I was a foster kid and felt the same way. If she felt that ways, before being adopted, then she shouldn't have been adopted. To be honest I doubt she'll ever attach to her adoped family. I would look into attachment counselling. You can tell her and show her all kinds of document, but it does nothing if she not willing to bond with you. Anyways her family will tell her they're lies anyways. Also you could tell her no facebook or what ever, but she's the one seeking the parents. The best you can do attachment counselling, tell her she cant like with her mom, because she not safe. She loves her, but she's just not a safe option. Maybe that will keep her from running away.

Have you considered having supervised visits? I get that the natural mother has issues of her own, but I also see that your daughter has the need to know her mother. I would suggest making it so that your daughter has no need to sneak around behind your back. Explain to your daughter, show her the court documents as was suggested above, and perhaps suggest the three of you going out to dinner or a movie from time to time. From what you said, it doesn't sound like she is out to hurt your daughter. And this way, you can be satisfied knowing your daughter is safe, and your daughter can be at least somewhat satisfied with having contact with her natural mother. And who knows. Maybe she is getting cleaned up and going to court dates. People do change.

Taking her Facebook or anything like that is going to push a rebellious pre-teen straight to the thing you don't want her to have. A case worker or gal probably isn't going to help either. Perhaps leaving a copy of the paperwork or fostering an honest conversation with her very slowly. Good Luck. What a tough situation.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with Crick -- eliminate FB from the equation until she is older and more mature and willing to listen to reason. I also agree with the suggestion to show her some of the documents regarding her abandonment, and to seek counseling so that she can hear things from a third party, since she is dead set on not believing you.What a poisonous birth mother : ( I am so so sorry.

I can feel your frustration. When I was twelve I was adopted by my aunt and acted the same way. I remember sleeping with my moms picture glued to my pillow, and my mom literally just left and they had to find homes for us. Even though I knew she did that I still couldn't get the thought out of my head that she was coming to get me and the only reason she hadn't was because they wouldn't let her. No matter how much my aunt made me feel loved I pushed because I wasn't normal. I hated school events knowing my mom wasn't there just my aunt. I wish now I could make it up to her and I hope that I have a little. She never gave up on me. What helped the most is when I was fifteen my aunt enrolled me in a home economics class about families. In that class I got to see videos of other adopted kids and I started to feel like I wasn't alone and the world wasn't staring at me. I saw testimonies of adoptive parents who had been treated the same way I treated my aunt I started to feel really guilty. I saw interviews with birth parents that had lost or abandoned their children and some weren't remorseful at all. That sounds harsh, but it opened my eyes to the fact that I was so stuck on someone that just picked up and left without making arrangements or saying goodbye even that I was shutting out the person who was sticking by my side. After that I started writing. Every time if felt alone or missed my mom or my sisters I just wrote it down. I still do. It really helped. Here I am, married mother of three and I have my aunt to thank for it. I know sticking with it seems like a losing battle sometimes, but even if it's 5-10 years down the road she'll wrap her arms around you and tell you just how awesome you are. I hope I helped a little bit and you should definitely get her a journal and encourage her to write everything. P.S. I looked for my mom too and when I finally got in contact she did the same thing. Swore she made arrangements and that she was coming back to get me. I didn't know this until a couple years ago but my aunt never once confronted me cause she said she didn't want to make me feel like I was doing something wrong. But the last time my mom called my aunt answered the phone and said "I took her in because i love her. I won't stop her talking to you, but she is mine and you will respect that or I will take steps to exclude you completely." My mom argued and said "she'll hate you". My aunt said "it doesn't matter cause I'll still be saving her." They were related so the situations a little different, but I would suggest you talk to the birth mother. It's not wrong that your daughter found her it was inevitable so taking away contact is only gonna make her feel trapped.

mwilkinson, this is a tuff situation and it's hard to know what will help.Because of the DD age and strong feelings toward b-mom what the other posters have said is right. She will not believe you and won't give up on her b-mom being her savior.What will help the most is an outside demonstration that you are speaking the truth and are concerned regarding the seriousness of the situation.It might be very helpful to let DD see that she is in denial by putting b-mom on the spot. What is needed is proof from an outside source that your concerns are real.If it meets with your approval, set up a supervised visit with b-mom. Put b-mom on the spot so that if she doesn't show, you have additional proof as to your concerns.My suggestion is to attempt a supervised meeting with b-mom on several occasions because in all probability there will be a story as to why b-mom could not keep the appointments. This way, there will be outside proof that you have done all possible to help DD and it is the b-mom who has not followed through. It will take some time for DD to accept the reality which is the basis for more than only 1 b-mom meeting.If there are multiple seasons as to why b-momcould not keep the appointments, get b-mom to set a time and date. Again, for your evaluation, it may be helpful for DD to know of your love and concern and when she is older you will support her association with b-mom, but for now, meetings with b-mom are the best we can do. This will keep you from being an obstacle to something she believes in, and it may work -- even tho your feelings are valid and in a different direction. What is hoped for is the buying of time until she gets older and is cognizant of your talk with her regarding the adoption events.As a side note, it is very hard for young adoptees to believe that the b-parents can be at fault, even in cases of the most horrific abuse. The bottom line is that even in court cases, children still believe in the goodness of their b-parents and want to go back to them.I wish you the best.