not bonding to adoptive child

Just think what her life would look like if she didn't have a Mommy to nurse her through all this and a family that would always be there for her. It can be difficult to find "Joy in the Journey" when you are caring for a special needs child, especially where there are also behavior issues. Try and take some time out for yourself. Special needs kids really wear on you and you will be more capable of being the best You can be for her when you take the time to take care of yourself first. Try and make time for more fun times together. Remember to laugh, smile and joke. Read stories together, make funny sounds with your voice. Do simple little things that bring bonding and fun to your relationship instead of doing a job that needs to be done. The more positive times you can make together the less you will think on the negative or repetative boring times. Remember that this too shall pass. They are only small for a short time. Things will get easier in time. In time she will be able to do some things for herself, or your other daughter will be old enough to help and find joy in helping her sister also. Remember to tell her "I love you" and give her hugs and kisses (more than you normally do). The more you do the more that love will begin to grow. ((hugs)) I know it can be hard. The toddler years can be some of the hardest and yet most rewarding years and you see your little baby develop their own personalities and watch them grow and develop even little steps towards independence. You will begin to love them not because they are "your baby" (which you may not be feeling to much right now), but because of who they are and the little person they are turning into.

How long have you had the child? I think it is very common to have such feelings. It happens, to a lesser extent, even with the adoption of a healthy newborn. I felt horrible when we adopted our second, because I didn't initially feel the same for him as I did his older brother. That attachment just needed some time to grow, though. With three of the additional four children we adopted, I expected it and wasn't alarmed by it.My fourth child was really a challenge, though. She was born with a severe birth defect and had spent most of her six months of life in a hospital. The last part was with a foster mother, whom she had become attached to. She wanted nothing to do with me, at first. After two days of feeling like hell, I finally decided to carry her around as much as I could. At first, she would only let me home her sitting on my hip and facing away from me. After a few days, she let me hold her facing me. By the end of three weeks, I was holding her in a front pack and she was very content. She panicked if she couldn't see me, though. I just had to take her with me all the time, whether it was to the bathroom, or shopping. I didn't leave her for a whole year and, finally, she was happy and content that I would come back for her. Her medical needs also made her seem more like a patient than a daughter. She was fed mostly through a gastrostomy, to start with, and still hooked up to a machine. I felt extremely guilty that I didn't have the same love for her as I did my three sons. I grew to love her in a few weeks, with intensive effort to get her to accept me, but I still didn't get the same joy from her that I did my sons. It took probably a year to get over that.I've known other adoptive mothers who have had the same kind of experiences. Sometimes it helps a lot just to know that you are not the only one, and that there is hope that your love and devotion for the child will eventually catch up.Hang in there!

You are not alone. I don't have any advice, but after 4 months home I do not feel anything close to the same level of maternal love towards our adopted daughter, that I do to my bio son. For many of the same reasons, she rages constantly, day in and day out, and has rejected me as a mother figure. Hang in there and PM me if you ever need to talk.

I have just joined this site because I am desperate for advice. Does it get better? I have one bio son (5), and adopted a 6 month old girl last year. I have had her for almost 10 months and I feel nothing towards her. Actually, I feel an aversion to her. EVERYone loves her. My partner is attached, my son is attached, she is beautiful and everyone freaks out about her...but I am the complete opposite. I have wanted to adopt a little boy from Africa my entire life. At the last minute, I was required to switch genders (to F) due to country laws. I got used to the idea of having a little girl...but as soon as I met her I felt a disconnect. And now, after all this time, I have felt affection perhaps 1% in the 10 months time. I am absolutely miserable. And the saddest thing I can think is that I really want another child! But if I give her "back" I will never be able to adopt again. What. Do. I. DO??????? I am miserable. She is miserable when she is with me (but perfectly fine when I am gone which makes me feels even worse). Has it gotten better for you? How long has it been? I try to seek help from my agencies and the only advice they give is to take medication. I DO NOT WANT TO POP PILLS TO MAKE ME HAPPY. I want to deal with this issue head on. What are you going to do? WOuld you ever give the child back? Is it better now? How long is too long until one must admit that a bond will never form? Please, any advice?

I have just joined this site because I am desperate for advice. Does it get better? I have one bio son (5), and adopted a 6 month old girl last year. I have had her for almost 10 months and I feel nothing towards her. Actually, I feel an aversion to her. EVERYone loves her. My partner is attached, my son is attached, she is beautiful and everyone freaks out about her...but I am the complete opposite. I have wanted to adopt a little boy from Africa my entire life. At the last minute, I was required to switch genders (to F) due to country laws. I got used to the idea of having a little girl...but as soon as I met her I felt a disconnect. And now, after all this time, I have felt affection perhaps 1% in the 10 months time. I am absolutely miserable. And the saddest thing I can think is that I really want another child! But if I give her "back" I will never be able to adopt again. What. Do. I. DO??????? I am miserable. She is miserable when she is with me (but perfectly fine when I am gone which makes me feels even worse). Has it gotten better for you? How long has it been? I try to seek help from my agencies and the only advice they give is to take medication. I DO NOT WANT TO POP PILLS TO MAKE ME HAPPY. I completely respect people who choose that, but for ME, I want to deal with this issue head on. What are you going to do? WOuld you ever give the child back? Is it better now? How long is too long until one must admit that a bond will never form? Please, any advice?P.S. There is nothing physically wrong with this child, only the expected delays from an international adoption.

wow that is a hard question. There were lots of times with my daughter, even now I don't feel attached. However, there were a couple of times a year or so in when I thought she might go back to relatives and I felt awful. Day in and day out it can really get on your nerves but when you are threatened with never seeing her again you know the answer. However, I could see it would be possible never to attach either. Some people just aren't matches. The thing is, is it fair to the child if you feel this strongly about this? She will sense it. Maybe you should talk to somebody without a personal or business interest to figure out what is best. People here are probably prejudice and the agency is too. Maybe you need to see a different perpective.

I hope you can find a plan which works for you and the child and helps you feel better...that is SUCH a HARD position to find yourself in. It is possible to not attach-- I had a child for four years and never was even near attaching. Now that said, he was 4.5yrs at the start of all this and had serious behavioral problems from the get go. I tried for the first two years pretty seriously (using various attachment parenting techniques) to work on attachment and was further behind than when I started. At that point I quit trying and just accepted the fact he'd never be "my" son, but certainly continued to provide for him. About two years after I had to face the fact that not only was I totally unable to attach to the kid, but I couldn't safely parent my attached kids with him in my home. I will add that while him leaving was a huge relief, it certainly hasn't been without other issues. 1) I get to live with the fact I couldn't parent this kid. 2) Issues with his two yr younger sib who was well aware of the disappearance of her brother. It hasn't been easy and I've had good family/friend support and my husband and I were in agreement...

In response to your original question. I have been with my adopted child for 3 years now, and it is basically still the same thing. I also have a bio child, and my love for her is endless. With my adopted child, I find everything he does irritating. Sure some things have gotten better because he has grown out of some baby stages and is more independent now. I've been going to some adoption support groups and I find that each parent and child are different. Most of the mothers truly love their adopted child, and only a few struggle with bonding issues. I just happen to be one of those struggling mom's. Also I have found that the "BOND" is not the only problem, the other problem is how friends and family criticize you for not loving that child as your own. This just adds on the the stress and frustration. So now, in order to cope, and be happy, I have to limit my time with other people, like play groups, and extended family, in order to lessen the criticizing looks and comments. I know it's not the ideal situation, but I have to do what works best for me and my kids.

Hi there, I also have one bio and one adopted. Yes there is a big difference. I also have been struggling with this. It seems like your situation has added stress in dealing with a special needs child. I think reading blogs on this website would really help alot. That's what helped me too. I think that sometimes kids like this really want us to play nurse to them. My kids are very healthy, but they still want me to nurse them alot. Maybe you could get your daughter to do more things for herself. Perhaps raise the bar for her and give her a daily list of things to start doing on her own, so that your role of nursing could be a little lighter. You will be totally stressed out if you have to nurse her forever. I'm not sure what medical condition she has, but there has got to be a few things that she can learn to do on her own. It may take a few months to learn a new habit, but I think it would pay off in the long run. Good luck.

It's very common in older child adoption to take longer to bond. Best advice? Fake it until you make it. If the child was a baby I would say that you really need to look into yourself, as the "stopping" point is internal. With older children, it's both. I think we have to remember and remind ourselves to keep a thick skin. Don't take it personally when they reject you. They act out because they feel unstable and that is their reaction to anything that feels different. One thing I would suggest is not to separate the two children into different categories (Biological / Adopted; SN / no SN). Don't compare your love with your bio vs adopted kids. First of all, your biological child didn't have near the amount of things to overcome as your other child. It's from birth, so of course that's stronger, and you have had them longer. You didn't have to teach your bio child to bond, but you do your adopted. Do things with just that child and GET HELP from someone who is knowledgable in this. Call an adoption agency in your area that is respectable and ask for referrals to attachment therapists and then follow their instructions. Take responsibility for your bond. Your child is not equipped with the knowledge to bond so you must show them how, and in the meantime, find out how for yourself. Co-Sleep, take a bath with them, spend time alone with them 1 on 1, do whatever you can to promote that bond and love with your child. Also, take time on yourself and be honest. Open up about it and talk through your feelings. Stop and reevaluate where you are. Take time for yourself but it's my opinion that the best thing you can do when working on your bond is to keep close to home and keep the house quiet. Don't make a lot of plans, don't put a lot of pressures on the family...also try to keep it just your family and keep extended family and friends away as much as possible. Create a good quiet routine until you start feeling the bond turn around...could be weeks...could be months.