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I've been in reunion with my daughter for 24 yrs now. I placed her and her sister with the same family in a closed adoption and was reunited early ( we actually met at the agency on her 16th birthday and her sister was 14 at the time) because she was having issues. The ap had taken her back to the agency for her to get the letter I left when she was placed. I had been there the year before to update my info since I was in that state and didn't know if I would be back before she turned 18. When she got there for the letter the sw told her she had met me the year before and it ended up putting the whole thing in motion. She ended up living with me before the year was up and her sister ended up in juvenile jail with that state having custody of her for being violent with another child at school. She remained there until she was released at 18. She was very bonded with the amother and didn't want me to intervene and try and get custody of her.
I tried to find that place of balance....helping without interfering, being there without taking over. Obviously things weren't good or I wouldn't have been contacted at their ages. I spoke the the agency and was apologized to for the placement and asked to stay in the kids lives as a role model. They said they had learned alot in those years about choosing aparents. They were sorry.
It's been 24 yrs since we were reunited. Both aparents are dead now. The girls are women now and the relationship is so bad. My family is middle class, far from wealthy. They grew up in poverty and with abuse. This makes them so angry. It makes me angry too. I spoke to the aparents about it when they were alive and the abuse did happen. I spoke to the agency and again, they apologized. I can't change it. I went through years of guilt about it and tried everything to make up for it I could but you can't really make up for that.
My younger daughter went on to be a prostitute for a number of years after being released from juvie. She is a severe alcoholic and was a drug addict but I think she's stopped the drugs now. My older daughter is a severe alcoholic too and getting worse if that is possible.
I've been raising my younger daughters daughter for the past 10 yrs. It's exactly 10 yrs today - Thanksgiving. She is the only child I've raised. I love her and am her mother as far as I'm concerned. When my daughter left her here 10 years ago Thanksgiving she never came back and has only called sporadically over the years. I am the only mother this child has known.
This has only made thing worse with both daughters, particularly the older one. She's so enraged that her niece has what she didn't get. I understand but can't change it. They live 2000 miles away. Some days she will call 10 or 20 times leaving horrid messages - I'm nothing but an egg donor, I am the only reason she drinks, her life is only the mess it is because of me, it's a good thing for me she doesn't wear heels, she wants her mother and her mother hates her, she loves me and I won't be there for her. I won't pick up the phone to her anymore. I haven't for a year now but the calls and texts still come. I do love her and ALWAYS tell her I do. I've apologized a million times.
Last week I texted her and suggested after another round of her abusive messages that if she wants this relationship so badly maybe we could start over by writing one another for a while...the phone gets out of hand with her drinking. She refused....writing is too hard she says. I am lost. I am being punished for something that happened 40 years ago. I've tried for 24 to fix it. Dear god when will I have been deemed sufficiently punished? No one wanted my granddaughter when her mother was going to jail. I did what I thought was right. I felt a certain responsibility and was trying to right my wrongs. I've been blessed by having her in my life but I didn't do it for me. What do I do now? What is it I did wrong? My younger daughter now is saying I stole her child and my older daughter loves/hates me. My granddaughter has lived in the same home since she was 2, always has me here to meet her school bus, knows a normal life compared to what she would have lived.
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I am so sorry that you are being treated so horribly. Just because they were abused doesn't give them the right to abuse you. It's not your fault the adoption was bad. Don't let them punish you, that's sick, you don't deserve that.
It's sad and they both need to sober up to heal and properly address their pain. They have a right to be angry at the abuse, but, you didn't cause that.
All you can do is look for your own silver linings everyday and put up some boundaries, and don't listen to it, cut them off until they can show some respect. You don't owe them anything. They are using your guilt as a weapon. And that is mean.
Be strong and love the little girl that you can. and love yourself.