Okaaayyy...I have this email...

No advice, just commiseration. We've been thinking about trying to make contact with our AS's birthfamily for almost a year now. (It is a closed adoption, his BPs walked away, but there is extended family that we are thinking about contacting...)

It's scary, isn't it? Kinda like opening Pandora's box...I keep thinking once I do it, I can't *undo* it!

I would keep a list of names of relatives and their city/state. I wouldn't contact them, though. They made it clear they did not want to be involved. I'd respect their wishes. The bio dad might not be the only violent person in the family. I'd stay away. They know where your daughter is if they want to find her when she's an adult. They can contact child welfare if they want an update. As for medical, you have her health history from the pediatrician. With regular medical care, she'll be fine. I know of a closed adoption where the bio family found the grandfather of the adopted child because a bio sib had a bad reaction to anesthesia and they wanted to let adoptive family know. They were able to find g-pa through an online search. They didn't request a picture or any info about the adopted child. Just a quick "FYI" about the allergy and it was "closed" again. If your daughter's family has info for you, they'll get it to you. If they want pics/updates, they'll send you a Facebook friend request. I wouldn't contact them, though.

That makes sense...I guess I have just been SO busy taking the "making sure she has answers to her questions when the time comes" thing so seriously that I was ready to do whatever...but, it's a relief to just let it be...Thanks!

I know how you feel. We adopted from foster care our son is 2 1/2 years old. It has already come up from him where are my baby pictures. He is smart and I think kinda knows already about being adopted in his way. Grandma call the caseworker and she told her he was being adopted. Grandma asked for weekend visits. Caseworker said no that would not happen and than told me about it. I asked them to tell me if anyone calls before the adoption and after. To see if they are really want to see him or is it just for them to feel better and say they tried. We have not history of family calling about him. Anyway family not that stable, we are waiting out the holidays and see what happens. Even know it bugs me that I have no pictures of him for birth to 2. I am not going to contact them. Maybe I will change my mind in a few year.

As an aMom who opened a closed adoption from foster care, first with Paternal Grandfather and then with BDand {whom we were told was dangerous too} I would like to have you keep in mind a couple of things.1st, is that often extended birth family don't feel as if they have the "right" to ask for anything. They often feel like they should leave the adoptive family alone and not intrude. They often feel as if they couldn't meet the needs of the children or there would be horrible family dynamics with their own children or relative {Birth Parents} if they adopted the children themselves. That doesn't mean that they themselves are not desperately grieving the loss of the child from their family and their lives. You may be surprised to hear and see an amazing amount of relief and gratitude to hear from you by extended family.next - also keep n mind some or often lots of what you may have been told can be exaggerated depending on who did the telling to whom and under what circumstances. Please remember that a Bio parents "dangerous" label could also be a product of the circumstances. Try removing one of my children from my life and you will see the definition of "dangerous". Often desperate times and situations lead to irrational, thoughtless, "dangerous" actions that they would not do under normal circumstances. Also often the Bparents are young and not making the most mature decisions.Time, acceptance, healing and knowledge of their child's well being can drastically change all of that. In our case we reached out by phone to the Paternal Grampa {blocking our number}. After several lengthy discussions with him and some visits in an neutral public place, we decided to meet BDad. First just my husband and myself met with him and then eventually our daughter. We used our own good judgement tempered with what we had "heard" to form our own opinion.I am so glad that we took that first step. We now have an incredible relationship with that entire side of the family including week long visits with DD's little sister at our house, attended Grampa's wedding, overnights at our home and BDad's {as a family}. We invite BD {and his partner} and Little Sister to attend DD school and community events. We do these things as if it were perfectly normal and it has become perfectly normal for our friends, family and community. Most importantly it has become perfectly normal for DD.Our DD has bonded even more with DH and has become more comfortable and confident in herself.My advice would be to take it slow and follow both your heart and your gut to make the decision that is right for your family.SM

Its completely your call, but.. is there any reason you feel you need to do this now? You JUST finalized It might be good idea to settle in, get stabilized before you introduce more potential complications

I agree with WCurrie....I would give it some time. You have the information. Your kids are babies. I wouldn't worry about any attempts to "undo" the adoption though. Good luck!!

I agree with PP that you have LOTS of time. Keep track of contact info, write up "updates" periodically and file them away electronically with pics so that someday, if they're interested, they can see the timeline of what they would have been receiving over the months/years.We adopted DS as an infant, and he is now 5. His bio mom's sister contacted me, wanting to know him. I was so thrilled that he would have an aunt he could know, and possibly cousins, etc. I emailed her back, she seemed nice, and they live relatively close by. She offered to fill us in on bio mom, how she's doing, etc. I jumped at that, maybe a little too eagerly. Unfortunately, I think I made her feel like I only want to know about bio mom when in reality I want to know the whole family, but am wary of introducing DS in person right away. She has not responded to my email in 2 months. I know she is busy with her own kids, but I feel like I alienated her.I can reconnect at some point, I know, but I want to let things settle down and then I'll apologize and touch base. I think I might have hit a raw nerve without realizing it. All this to say, take it SLOW. And collect info, do updates to share later, but don't rush it. If you scare them off (like I think I did) or they lose interest or can't handle it or whatever, there's going to be a lot of heartache in your child and it's going to be hard for her to understand that it's not because they don't want her. I think it's better to take it slowly and possibly keep her from knowing them personally til you feel confident they won't just disappear on her.