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I am looking for advice from other adoptive parents who have been in my shoes. I've been matched to a birth mother via a facilitator and need to know how much or little contact I should keep with this mother for the remainder of her pregnancy (5 months)?
She is quite young and her own mother is involved (she's 18 but lives with her mom who is supportive of her decision). I would like some insight from others who have been here before me.
Are there things to beware of? Subjects to avoid? Did you email/talk on the phone with the birthmother often? Were you present for delivery?
The birth mother feels very connected to me so far and seems open to communicate and even have me in the hospital for delivery. I am nervous about how much contact to maintain and how to do so until the baby arrives?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!
:) So excited to be a mommy soon!!!
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The first time we were chosen by a birthmom, which was two months before the baby was born, we met once during those two months, and that was the extent of our contact. When she wanted more info about us, she asked the adoption agent. That adoption fell thru two days after the baby was born.
The second time we were chosen, we were contacted again two months before the baby boy was due. We met a few days after the bparents chose us, and exchanged phone numbers. We started texting each other immediately. When she wanted info on us, she would text me and ask. And I would do the same with her. I think we texted each other every couple of days. The baby had some medical issues that were detected while in the womb, so she had to stay in a city an hour away from her home to be near the Children's Heart Center. She was going to have to have him early because it would cause too much stress on his heart to wait till his due date. She was staying at the Ronald McDonald House and had a scheduled c-section. She wanted me to go down and stay with her for the week prior to the delivery. She actually went into labor the day before I was to be there. And that adoption did take place!
I think the openness depends on what's comfortable for the both of you. Obviously, in my situation, the one that was much more open was the one that worked in our favor. I worried a lot about what subjects I should avoid or word carefully at the first, but we quickly got into a comfortable relationship where we were pretty good at sharing our thoughts (to an extent, of course). We still tried to be careful with some things. For instance, before the placement happened, my hubby and I made sure we didn't make comments about him being ours (as I've heard others do before placement occured). Because we knew from prior experience that the bparents could change their mind at the last minute. Even though, his bmom made comments about us being his parents. I wanted to make sure she knew that before placement, I saw her as his one and only mom, because even though she had chosen us, we hadn't signed papers and were therefore not his parents in any way, shape, or form. And things to be aware of, don't make promises that you aren't comfortable keeping, or don't plan on keeping. Start small and build on that. If she brings something up that you aren't sure about, discuss it with your husband before giving her an answer.
All the delivery room stuff is totally up to her. She is the one giving birth so she gets to decide who she wants there and when. Also she may decide one thing and then change her mind, giving birth is a painful, personal and emotional thing. Be honest always. Mostly she is going to be calling a lot of the shots as to how much contact, though if it's too much for you, you can say so.
MarylandLady
I am looking for advice from other adoptive parents who have been in my shoes. I've been matched to a birth mother via a facilitator and need to know how much or little contact I should keep with this mother for the remainder of her pregnancy (5 months)?
She is quite young and her own mother is involved (she's 18 but lives with her mom who is supportive of her decision). I would like some insight from others who have been here before me.
Are there things to beware of? Subjects to avoid? Did you email/talk on the phone with the birthmother often? Were you present for delivery?
The birth mother feels very connected to me so far and seems open to communicate and even have me in the hospital for delivery. I am nervous about how much contact to maintain and how to do so until the baby arrives?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!
:) So excited to be a mommy soon!!!
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