Foster to Adopt parent considering divorce - need information please

Is your husband aware of how you feel? I honestly believe that until you work things out with him one way or another you should not be adopting. Your husband leaving will be just as traumatic on them as a move to another home. I would really be asking myself if the issues with my husband can be fixed...maybe he isn't aware of what he is doing. Have you been to therapy with him. Fostering/adoption is such a hard road and people react very differently to it...unless your husband is being abusive in some way - I would really consider if leaving him is the right choice.

This is a sad situation for the children. These events make up the core of their "worldview", so I'm mostly sad for them as well as you. ----- Where I live, a fellow Foster peep told me that if her husband did something (and she warned him that if he did it again) she'd toss him out of the house. He did it again, she found out and he moved out for a week. The agency found out somehow and placed the home on temp. "hold". I asked if she could sit my FC, and our agency assessor said "no", she could not so much as even babysit our FC. I don't think their licensed was yanked, but they eventually decided that they needed to take a break from fostering and eventually let their license lapse. They never did divorce, though.... ----- A different foster to adopt applicant had filed for divorce and was also starting the preservice training. She was told that since her divorce filing was so recent, even though the soon to be ex was not living in the home...that the life situation was too unstable for her to become licensed. They indicated that she'd be better off waiting til all was completely final and make the date of her foster application be AFTER her divorce finalization date. ---- I know of a 3rd situation, where the couple adopted 2 children from China over a 3 year period. Husband cheated on mom and they divorced within 1 year of the second adoption. Mom got full custody. (not sure dad was EVER 100% on board in the first place) ----- Most important , if your husband is a threat to the health and safety of your FCs, you'd better make sure you let someone know! Since you've not filed for divorce, if he does something to those sweet kids, you'll be lumped in as though you did it. I agree with loving4ward, a divorce , now OR later....will traumatizing to these children.

I think the length of time the kids have been with you & their level of bonding makes a HUGE difference. I can tell from the other responses that mine will not be very popular. However, I do not agree that the divorce is necessarily JUST as damaging as moving to a new home. That depends greatly on the individual circumstances. Either will be difficult, but which is better or worse will vary accordingly.I was in the same situation. My daughter had been with us for 3 1/2 years & was fully bonded to us. She had previously not bonded with other placements. So, the options were to stay together & complete the adoption so that she could have us both in her life, only in different capacities, recognizing the difficulty of that change OR have her move to yet another set of strangers, losing the parents & siblings that she had bonded with and wanted to remain with forever. To disrupt would have been irresponsible.So, we stayed together until the adoption was completed. We did divorce some months later. I have no doubts that we made the right decision given the circumstances. I did the best I could with what the options that I had.

Thank you, Everyone, for your advice. I really needed the perspective of unbiased people. Everyone in my life has a vested interest one way or the other. My husband is not physically harming the kids, but he gets very frustrated with them over small things. They spend way too much time confined to their rooms because of some perceived wrongdoing. As for with me, he is very controlling and doesn't help out much around the house. He is unemployed again for the fifth time in the four years that we have been together. I have talked with him a lot about the issues that I am having, and then things get better for a couple weeks then go right back to the way they were. He doesn't know yet that I am considering leaving him this time. I really am trying to consider all of my options very carefully because of these children. I am not looking at this from my own selfish wants. If I was, I would just leave, but I want whats best for them. I can see what some of you were saying about the divorce being traumatic on them, but I really feel that being shipped off yet again to God-knows how many more homes before they find a permanent one, would be much more traumatic to them. They have both made so much progress with their emotional issues in the short time that they have been with us, and I really think that they would have to start all over again if they went somewhere else.

Depending on the ages of the children I'd have to wonder what they would think about going from a two parent household to a single parent household where you will be working and they will need to be in some kind of after school care or daycare. They were placed with a two parent home so it's difficult to say what DCFS would think about keeping them with you if you are getting a divorce. My sister went through a similar situation. She was a couple months from adopting and they found another home for the child. She already had one bio, one adopted and was financially stable but they still removed the 18 month old. I guess it's going to be different in every state and maybe even county to county.

How old are the kids? How long have they been with you?

They are 3 and 5 years old. They have been with us for a little over 3 months. I realize that that is not a long time, but in that short amount of time, we have come a long way. When we first got them neither one of them were potty trained, now the 5 year old is fully potty trained and the 3 year old is almost there. The five year old has stopped referring to her previous foster mother as her old mom, and now refers to her by her name, with no coaxing from me or my husband at all. She does not have nearly as many angry outbursts or temper tantrums as she used to... I could go on, but the most important things I can't put into words, it's just feelings. I'm sure you all know what I mean, having been through it yourselves.

To be honest, I think you need to put the kids first. I know you likely love them, but they need that stability. You can always divorce & then try again alone, but the kids shouldn't be drug through the divorce. You say its a side you haven't seen before but he is consistently unemployed & has been controlling you. If these things weren't an issue before the placement to divorce over 3 months worth of issues is a bit hasty & maybe you should try to work it out. We obviously don't know your whole situation but I would tell your worker & let the chips lie where they fall. Obviously letting your husband joint adopt them isn't an ideal situation as you've stated.

Since I have no idea what is going on in your marriage I can't really offer too much advice just my 2 cents. After only 3 months your husband may still have no idea how to be a father. He may not even love the kids yet, doesn't mean he won't love them someday. Maybe some counseling, parenting classes or books could help him. Please talk to your husband and be completely honest with him before you call the CW.

I can't say much more except that it should not be hard to place a 3 and 5 yo. I am sorry that you and the children are going through this.On the other hand, it has only been three months. Adjusting to two new kids, those ages, with potential behaviors from disruptions, that can be hard on anyone. When I got my girls, they were almost same age. Monkey was 2.5. Three months into it, I was still back and forth on disrupting the foster placement, and I knew at that time they weren't staying.I think you need to have a serious talk and or counseling with your husband and if he isn't in it to win it, finding another home for those children will be potentially in their best interest. I note that you haven't indicated if you could financially support them as a single parent? Do you work now? Do they go to daycare?

I understand your position. I have been doing foster care since July 2011, and filed for divorce in August 2012. Seeing my soon to be ex-husband around children (on a regular basis, not short term) made me realize that he was not the type of person I could spend the rest of my life (or have a family) with. He too was easily frustrated and short with the children in our home, a bad combination, especially when working with special needs children. My STB ex finally admitted to me in March 2012 that he was unable to have bio children and didn't want to raise "someone else's screw ups." That was it for me. I cannot imagine my life without children. March 1, 2012 I was placed with Princess and HG, and he walked out on us March 9th. I received a call from the Greyhound station saying I was on my own and to send divorce papers to his mother's house. Yes, a phone call. No face to face goodbye; not even after almost 4 years together. I waited to see if he was coming back. Nothing. For the first month or so, I made excuses to everyone (including my agency) out of shame and embarrassment. "He is visiting family back East." "He's on vacation." Finally I told my LW that I didn't think he was coming back. Like I said, I finally filed for divorce in August. The girls eventually quit asking where he was, and I went about my new life as a single mother. The girls were not disrupted, because I showed stability and at the time was willing to consider adoption in the future. I did eventually disrupt for my own reasons, but it was my choice. My agency has stood by my decision to divorce from the start, and continue to do so. My divorce should be final in January, and I plan on continuing my journey to adopt. Do what you feel is right for the children and yourself. It can go both ways. ~SINGLE, STRONG, INDEPENDENT, MOTHER~

Hope all is working out for you and your family!

Have you considered marriage counseling? Before my husband and I got married we went through a major separation and it was devestating, but it wasnt worse than the behaviors he exhibited which caused the separation. As a result, we got into couples counseling and it changed everything. I highly recommend the book The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman.

Only 3 months? I'm not sayin that you aren't bonded....but the agency might well disrupt the placement and remove both children if you file for divorce. As I posted prior, when my friend had the hub move out for one short week, the agency put the license on hold and would not so much as let the family babysit for other foster parents. every agency is different, but you are taking a big risk.

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