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not adoption related but can use some ideas.Its the holidays, and to be honest, we are flat broke. Last year i had to take a part time position due to the issues of the kids. So the money is not what it is.Ive talked to DH about filing for bankrupsy, but he is refusing stating we just need a finicial planner. yea right?Im the finicial planner, ex: we get 100 a month and we owe 200 a month in old bills, dont need no planner to figure this out.now, i have taken on another job reviewing RFR's but that money wont be coming in for a while (but it pays really good)I am in the process of applying for subsides for the kids as they are special needs and though we were financial great when we adopted and didnt need it, we need it now and their needs clearly have increased.now here is the reason I am posting.My DH's family does a secret santa for kids. Its between 25 - 50 bucks a kid. If you have two kids then you get two kids.doing the math, its between 50 -100 bucks. The names we got for the nephews are both TEENS! As for our kids, we are planning to sit them down and tell them that this christmas we will not be getting a lot of gifts, no electronics (the only thing they want)So far, all i could afford were two pairs of gloves for each. I am planning on getting more today, very little more, but i get paid today.I talked to DH and told him I dont think its right that we are spending more money on his nephew and nieces then our own kids and that we should call and let them know what is going on with us.He said NO, and he doesnt want to talk about it because he is embarressed.He clearly gets anxious when ever i bring this up.as for my family, my DH is a great baker and we send homemade pies to them and they love it. The most expensive thing about the pies is the shipping. Even though my family loves it, I ialways feel we have to sacrafice for my family but not his. Plus, his sister (no kids, not married) hates secret santa so she buys everyone gifts as she can afford it, and DH always buys her something special, which i had no problem with as she has done so much for the kids but she has REAL expensive taste and every year DH has gotten something really nice.He stated that we have to buy her something. Which is also usually 50-100 dollarsI could be wrong, but shouldnt we take care of our family first then the rest of the family? Maybe im being selfish, but for some reason i feel i rather spend the money on my kids then theirs.Of course then we go into the meaning of christmas and its about giving not receiving.Please tell me im wrong and that i need a reality check. I feel so awful feeling this way but the lack of funds has really stressed me out and I dont want to spend a lot of money on DH's family as I think we need that money to pay bills and take care of our own kids.Plus, our washing machine broke and we have to go to the laundramat. UHHHH i have no money for the laundry so we cant do it. He is refusing to call his family. I dont know what to do. I dont know if i should keep my mouth shut as this always ends up in an argument. The 'secret santa' party is Sunday. I just dont want to go as im just not in the christmas spirit and i will not enjoy watching all the happy faces as were still debating if my son needs to be in long term treatment. Oh, plus, DH makes pies for this party also on top of everything else and the party is being held in another state which will cost a lot of money in gas.
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That's a tough spot to be in. Your kids will get by on a smaller Christmas. And, they will be getting gifts from other sources besides you, I'm assuming.
As for the Secret Santa gifts... I would suggest trying to find things through Craigslist or at Thrift stores that look like you paid more than you did. Many people are tight around Christmas and sell things off to pay for their holiday, so Craigslist is likely your best bet. (I would actually want to duck out of it, but the fight with your husband won't be worth it.)
For the laundry, can you ask a friend if you can borrow their machines? I know that I would let you come over and use mine if I were close enough.
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I had a dear friend who had a similar husband too stubborn (or in denial) of their financial situation until the day came where there was no money in the bank, none of the credit cards worked and it was days until pay day. Sometimes reality has to hit hard for people to realize.
It sounds like YOU need to reach out for help. Make some calls to attorneys, etc who can help for bankrupcy, re-financing home, etc. That way, when the reality does sink in - you don't have to waste anymore time, your research is already done.
I have followed your post - is it possible that if indeed the financial situation in your household is this dire - that with everything else going on, your husband just refuses to "lose" Christmas. I know some people hold the holidays very personal and with all the aches of life and what this world can sometimes dish to us, Christmas will be grand and dandy whatever the costs? I am certainly not judging but maybe if you can pinpoint WHY it might help in communicating... for example "I know it is has been a difficult year and I can certainly appreciate you wanting to hold Christmas to a special standard but this year we can't...." Lots of pressure on people during the holidays - they can fill like they failed or are a failure.
I agree with the last poster - Craigslist and EBay can be great friends. Instead of pies can you make something cute and personal on stationary and provide a yearly update. We have a family that does that and we thoroughly enjoy their Christmas Letter every year - watching their kids grow? The price of a stamp is MUCH less than a price to ship. Could you send a card tell them that their pie can be expected in the Spring or some other time.
Not sure if this is helpful at all - I can only imagine how frustrating it must be. I would try to solve one problem at a time. What is the next event or issue and then try to resolve. Also, have you reached out to a local charity or church group? Our city has several churches that offer laundry assistance, cleaning supplies free of charge to family in need. In most cases, it is a phone call and they tell you what vendors to use and it is charged to them. There is no shame in asking for help. Everyone needs a help every now and then. Sometimes it isn't financial - and sometimes it is! ASK!
I would honestly just suck it up and do the exchange. It is not about the gifts for your husband, it is about saving face. I often have felt that way.
My DH and I live on one income with 3 kids and we had a gift exchange at work. The last thing I wanted was to spend $$(25) on a coworker but sometimes I just dealt with it. I didn't even buy my DH a gift this year and spent about $35 on each of my kids.
$50 (low end) is not going derail your finances. Talk to your kids and let them know money is tight. I've had to do that with my kids before and they understand. Plus it is a good lesson that sometimes there is $$ sometimes there isn't.
I would check clearence racks. You might find some name brand stuff on sale right now. I just bought my goddaughter a $70 sweatshirt (aero) for $17.
thank you thank you thank you.
DH does LOVE the holidays. I mean he really loves the holidays.
IVe been so stressed with my younger son, that my mind is just on overload.
I love all the ideas that you guys gave. And thanks for the PM gsx, ill have a look.
I actually feel a little better and a little more hopeful.
Who cares if they say we have to spend x amount of dollars, i can still buy something cheaper that might of cost 50 bucks. :wings:
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It's also entirely possible that other family members are feeling the same way you do. I would recommend having a conference call/email exchange after the first of the year and letting people know that it might be time to drop the Secret Santa and everyone purchase just for their own family.
We did this about 10 years ago and it has relieved so much stress and strain during the holidays that they are now so much more enjoyable. My Christmas budget is now a mere fraction of what it used to be.
If the others don't agree perhaps you could suggest that instead of setting an amount that needs to be spent that all gifts are homemade/home crafted starting next year. This way you (and everyone else) could begin working on the gift earlier in the year (you do the drawing at the Christmas before - so you would draw for next year this year). If a new baby is born during the year their name is added the next year as little ones don't really care about presents anyway.
in the days when we were truly strapped for cash, $50 was what i had to spend on groceries for 2 weeks. in other words, yes, it would have derailed my finances.
it's hard for some men to admit that their ability to be the bread winner they want to be is not up to their standards. add in the emotional silver bullet of Christmas, mix with successful family members, shake with emotionally trying times at home, and you have a great chance of having somebody who just can't let go and allow others to see their weakness.
i'm going to guess that your dh feels very vulnerable right now. he needs you to understand. he also needs someone to put the brakes on, even if he doesn't like it.
we do the secret Santa thing for the grown ups here. we also encourage homemade/handcrafted gifts. the best gift i got so far? an enlarged picture of me and ToolMan taken over 30 years ago in a Wally World frame. it doesn't have to have a huge price tag attached to make it priceless.
how to talk to your dh? we all know you're supposed to bring stuff up in a non-threatening, non-judgemental way, but no matter where, when or how you do it, he's probably going to feel threatened and judged. my advice is to just say this is what i'm thinking, tell him you love him, then tell him how you need it to be for your peace of mind and your financial well-being. he won't like it. but again, it needs to be done.
my mother was a "break the bank" kind of Christmas person. we'd have wonderful gifts, too much stuff, overwhelming mornings and then worry about keeping our lights on in January. to this day i have incredible stress over Christmas--and i'm almost 52! she truly wanted to give us the best on that single day, but she never really thought about the other 364 days of the year.
you aren't being selfish. you are being a realist. do what you need to do to keep your family solvent. it really is about giving and not receiving--if you give gifts from your heart, the receiver won't worry about the price tag.
thanks all
just a quick update. I did end up purchasing a couple of gifts for the nephew and niece and only spent about 10 bucks, 50 percent off sale.
My younger son refused to go to the xmas party so i stayed with him. Cant say i was disappointed.
THe kids had a nice christmas though not we usually get them, but hey, it seems they were ok with it.
thanks all, all your input was very helpful.
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