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So my daughter doesn't do anything really awful, (yet knock on wood). We probably expected worse behavior, she had temper tantrums, nightmares, told us how much better her real family was etc. The truth is now that it is better, it was really awful but compared to what some people see we didn't think it was that bad.
Now she is having problems with her teacher, the teacher is continously punishing her, no blanket for polar express day, no cookie, no hot chocolate. She has a good behavior chart and never gets all the stickers. I kept thinking what the heck is she doing? The answer was things like, stomping her foot, giving the teacher dirty look, not cleaning up quickly, the last thing was laughing a kid who fell in this slippers.
I'm trying not to get defensive but I'm thinking I've seen the other kids do worse a lot. Though I have noticed her cousins have been complaining about her more but even their complaints weren't that bad and there was element of jealously.
So yesterday I ignored that she wouldn't put up one basket of laundry for over five hours. Normally I would have not let it go on this long but I just wanted to see how long it would go. Her therapist said ignor bad behavior or it will keep up, don't let her know what annoys you. So I've been ignoring, ignoring a lot and doing the adverse consequences. Yesterday we didn't go to the library because she didn't put up the laundry in time.
Anyway tonight I decided to do a tally of the annoying little things she does and in the space of just over an hour she had done 40. Nothing bad enough to be put in time out, just irritating. For example, she complained because I used the skinny noodles in the stronganoff instead of the fat ones. After I saw the count in that short of time, I'm thinking if she is doing even half to the teacher and her counsins no wonder she is in the dog house.
Normally I just ignor her behavior until it is really awful but now I realized how irritating she has become. I was just so glad her temtrams etc got better I didn't realize this problem. I'm going to the book store tomorrow to have a look at that 123 magic. Any other suggestions because I don't want people to dislike her. I figure she is doing this to get control of people but I've got to find a way to change this behavior.
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This is EXACTLY what my dd does every day. People who are not around her very often or not for long periods of time wonder why my husband and I make such a "big deal" about little things.
It's kind of like saying Chinese water torture is not that big of a deal. I mean, it's just water dripping on your head!!!
I have never counted, interesting experiment :thanks:
It reminds me of Everybody Loves Raymond when he thumps his wife on the nose and says: "A little annoying right." Then he thumps her on the nose over and over again and says "REALLY annoying, right?"
Non-sense questions are my DD's FAVORITE way to drive us insane. She also does fiegned surprise, playing dumb, loud laughing (when no one else found anything funny), laughing at things that are NOT funny, "accidentally" spilling things, watching me clean up the kitchen and then asking for food as soon as I am done, wearing her heavy coat in 75 degree weather and her light jacket in 35 degree weather....and other random passive agressive stuff.
You are right, people will not like her! It's sad but true. I have been very up front with my dd about this. I point these things out to her and give her an alternative. I don't know if this will ever sink in for her. I just feel like she will never know why people are running from her if I am not honest. For example, when she asks me a non-sense question, I say "Honey, you know that people don't like it when you ask pointless questions, if you want to talk to me you could say ______________." This is to TRY and help her see a good alternative to getting my attention rather than annoying me.
I DO think it is ATTENTION driven for sure. I have combined techniques from Heather Forbes, Love and Logic and Nancy Thomas.
It does irritate me when people tell me to IGNORE. Yeah, you try living with this 24/7 and see if YOU can ignore! :hissy:
I totally get where you're coming from. My DD is also like this and people around us do NOT get why I'm "on" her all the time, always correcting minor behaviors. It's because when you get 54738409 minor behaviors in a day's time, day after day after day after day.... it adds up!!
With my DD, if she complained that I used the skinny noodles instead of the fat noodles, I'd give her one chance "Ok, then you can have no noodles then. No? Then apologize and don't complain." If she complained again, I'd simply take the noodles away despite her throwing a fit about it.
Ignoring does not work with my DD. If I ignored her wetting her pants, she'd wet more and more and more often and then she'd start pooping her pants (we've seen this play out several times). If I ignore her making stinky faces at me, she makes them more often, then starts with the "I don't love you. You're mean. I hate you." If that doesn't get her attention, she'll start hitting. So I cut it off with "I'm not interested in seeing your stinky face. You can go to your room and come out when you're ready to be polite."
I'm strict. I've tried other ways and they simply do not work with my DD.
An annoying day at church. Pretty much every week at church she talks out loud, moves all the time, won't keep her dress down, goes to the bathroom and I have to go looking for her after 20 minutues with a line waiting outside the restroom, hangs on me excessively, will take my hand and end up bending back my finger etc. The good news is she stopped stepping on my toes, which caused me to have to ingrown toe nails. Anyway today I took my neice with us and she told me she is the worst behaved child at church she ever saw. At least there was some satisfaction in knowning I'm not imagining it.
For some reason the last two weeks she has been openly crying and talking. I guess she thinks if she acts up enough I will take her home.
I haven't been able to get to the store to see about that 123 magic but I've got to do something. See my other thread about ADHD. She is nearly 7 and acting like she is 3 or 4. I'm really beginning to wonder because punishment doesn't seem to be working.
BarbaraM
I haven't been able to get to the store to see about that 123 magic but I've got to do something. See my other thread about ADHD. She is nearly 7 and acting like she is 3 or 4. I'm really beginning to wonder because punishment doesn't seem to be working.
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Just started reading that "new kid by Friday" book. I'm not so sure about that 1,2,3 three magic if that is the idea. When I was in college we had a wonderful class by a behavior specialist. He said never tell them the consequence ahead of time because it gives them the power and control to make the choice of doing the behavior anyway. That they might perfer annoying you and taking the punishment if they know what it is going to be. He said it is better if it is unknown because then you maintain the upper hand. My daughter knows most of the punishment options but I try not to tell her in advance which one it is going to be.
1,2,3 magic didn't work at all for my very strong willed (to put it nicely) son. He refused to stay in time out and it became a battle of wills that took so much time, he would be late for school and I was late for work. The battle to put him in time out just escalated his tantrums and defiance. The method probably works fine for more easy going children who actually do as they are told. But I found the book not very real world. It advocated putting a lock on the child's door and just letting him destroy his room if that is what it took. I just couldn't imagine standing outside my son's locked bedroom door listening to him tantrum and hoping he didn't actually throw something through a window, break his drawers or injure himself.
A child psychologist told me to stop punishing bad behavior and start rewarding good behavior. Also to ignore most bad behavior that isn't putting the child or anyone else in danger. Her advice actually works much better, although I have a hard time with it sometimes. It goes against my nature to just ignore bad behavior and not punish it, but I do have to admit, her way is more effective, at least with my son. And he has shown a lot of improvement when I stopped yelling and punishing and giving time outs.
Started that "new kid by Friday" techniques. She came back from school picked up a piece of ice from the street put it in her mouth. Normally I would have yelled at her. Instead I said "oh I hope you don't get bugs in your stomach from putting that in your mouth". So she started spitting all over the car. So I told her no TV or any other electrically power device tonight. It wasn't easy not getting mad. She read for 20 mins. then spent all night with her being annoying because no TV etc. until she peed her pants. I made her load the laundry, then put away her clothes that were already done. She didn't finish because she was playing around. Then she demanded I come up to snap her pj buttons. Told her no I wasn't doing it because she didn't put away the clothes. She ended up snapping it herself. This will be interesting if it works and if I will be able to do it. The therapist had me do the ignore thing and that didn't do much with her. It isn't easy examining your own behavior like that book says. Actually considering how bad the night started she wasn't too bad later. Usually when she starts out that bad it never improves and it did improve after I didn't snap her pjs. She for sure knows something is up.