Need advise

I am a daughter reunited with my birthfather for over a decade. Except for that fact that we live in the same town, your desired relationship reminds me of what we have built together. I too have wonderful parents, a job, etc. but he and I are there for each other and a part of each other's lives. I think you are right to stand up for her. My BDad is not married, but he had some close friends who were against him allowing me into his life, and I believe his siblings (who I still have not met) were against it also. I think your wife's reaction, while not compassionate or rational, is fairly typical. Keep in mind that if you are like I was, you are probably kind of obsessed with the new situation and not paying a lot of attention to other areas of your life. I was awful to live with when I first reunited! Is there a way you can stand up for your daughter but still be honest with your wife? Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

Your wife feels threatened by this. Probably because of what happened in her family. You had my sympathy UNTIL you mentioned divorce. So if she doesn't do or feel like you, she gets the boot? Your wife has nothing to do with your daughter. For now at least. Why don't you calm it down a little, meet your daughter, and leave your son out of it, for now. Maybe with time, and you actually KNOWING your daughter, your wife will come around . In the meantime share a pic of your son with your daughter a d leave it at that.

My bdad's wife was awful during our reunion. And I have heard from several other adoptees that they were met with jealousy/ aggression from their bparents spouses during reunion as well. Reunion brings up a lot of insecurities that people are not aware that they have. Your wife's reaction is not abnormal. I'm not saying she's right, but I agree with previous posters that the situation may not be as dire as it feels right now. I also agree with Amom2011-- meet with your daughter and be open with your wife about it. For the sake of your marriage, leave your son out of it for the time being. Reunions are not one day events, they go on--hopefully-- for the rest of your life. There is no need to cover everything in one three-day meet up. In fact, for your first meeting, it might be overwhelming. You say your daughter has a 'cancer scare' and that is naturally making you feel the need to make this meeting as impactful as possible. But you know that bringing your son to meet your daughter behind your wife's back will only escalate the situation. It does seem really strange that you mentioned this to your wife before your marriage and she seemed fine, and now she is acting so aggressive. You're probably going to have to sit down with a family counselor who has experience with adoption and reunion to sort out an equitable compromise that will work for both of you. She probably never *has to* meet your daughter if she doesn't want to, but it is wildly unreasonable and mean for her to demand that you never meet your daughter, especially since you told her about the adoption before you were even married. And it would be very nice if your daughter had the opportunity to meet her half-brother, but surely there is a way to orchestrate that without conspiring behind your wife's back. Does your son know about your daughter? If they are both adults, it seems like that could be their own decision to meet face to face or simply become friends on Facebook or something. Some bio-sibs end up being very close and others really don't get much from the relationship, so their meeting and eventual relationship will ultimately be it's own thing anyway. Good luck!

You say your son is three and that your wife had a rather unpleasant situation with a child from her father being brought to live in the home. That may have been due to a lot of issues in her parents marriage that you don't want to repeat.You three year old won't understand any of this. Meeting your daughter will have little or no impact on a three year old. It may be what your daughter wants and I hear what you are saying about not wanting to cause her any more pain dealing with your wife's issues. But the fact that you have done something in direct opposition to what your wife has stated she wants will certainly cause problems. I would not push that issue right now. Sneaking around isn't good either. If she hasn't dealt with the issues she carries around regarding her circumstances opening up this can of worms will not give you anything more than heartache.Making statements that if pushed you would choose a person you don't even know over your wife sends alarm bells about your relationship with your wife and smacks of authoritarian stuff. My way or the highway kind of thinking so the chances of coming to some agreement are impossible if you are starting off the hop with this thought in mind. Compromise is give and take.By the way why the big push now? Is it because of the cancer? If so my condolences.Having your daughter come to say at your house without your wife's knowledge may also cause problems. If you are going to invite her tell your wife she's coming. If you can afford it get her a room in a lovely hotel nearby and spend all kinds of time with her showing her around. Or better yet you go and see her in her home.

By the way I am adopted and I am speaking to you from a position of admiring your love for your daughter too. We can all appreciate your passion about that.

I think You are being fair, please do the right thing for your daughter, I sympathize with Your plight. Lots of Love

Oh, I totally missed that the son is only three years old. That is way too young to bring him into this without his mother's full awareness and consent.

I think you have every right to have some sort of relationship with your daughter. I was super worried about my dads wife being upset, and she was. But she told me not at me, but at dad. That was after she called me and asked what was up and we had talked. At first I was afraid she might eat me. I tip toed around her, still do LOL She's the gatekeeper. We are very close now, 10 years later. I'd go easy on the D word tho, I can't imagine you want that. Try not to put your wife in a corner where she has to say yes or no about anything, kwim? Give her some time. Keep talking, you may wear her down. I can imagine that your wife is feeling threatened in different ways. She's bound to feel protective of your baby son, especially with what happened in her family. When my mama claws come out, I don't react well either. Right or wrong. She probably realizes that her son will have to share his father. That he may be loosing part of you. And she may loose some of you too. It's not just the three of you now. That's a big bubble popped, it takes a while, and a lot of work, to blow a new one. It could help you to read about Genetic Sexual Attraction, everyone should IMO. And threads here about father, daughter, wife situations that haven't gone well at all. Sometimes it does end in divorce. Sometimes the fathers end up living without any of their children with them. Reading about that will probably change your mind about sneaking meetings or inviting her over without your wife being there, or giving her blessings, especially at this stage in your reunion. She's not a baby, a child. You may have thought about her like that all along but - she's a grown woman. A grown woman that you and your wife don't really know. Any wife would have every reason to freak. Many people would be suspect of a father daughter situation like this one. The father daughter relationship is a special one, and unique in many ways. You have to stand up for both of "your" women, and do what is fair to both, without loosing one or both. Lucky you :cool: I'd start with telling your daughter what is going on. She deserves to know, to be prepared to meet you, she may be able to help. I'd put off her meeting with your son, even if you have to say you'd rather it just be you and her (or you, her and your wife if you can get her to come around!) because 3 yr olds can be a bit distracting! Something like that. Go slow, be direct and clear with everyone to avoid confusion and drama. Good Luck Papa :cheer:

Hi - Your post is so polarizing. First, I commend you for wanting to know your daughter and to begin the process of building a relationship. However, you also need to stand by the choices you've made in life - good and bad. That also includes the choice you made to marry your wife and have another child. They do not deserve to be kicked to the curb because this is a struggle. I, too, am the wife of a birthfather. I am fortuante that he has been supportive of my 'speed' at which I've accepted this process and building of a relationship. His speed also changes at times and from what I've read, hardly anyone is ever on the same page at the same time. This is why it's such a difficult process. I find the most complicating thing about these reunions is that no one remains 'as is' before the situation surfaced. It will do you well to understand that. Although you say your wife knew before, doesn't make it any easier to digest now that it's reality. There is a definite grieving process to get through. I have found that the more bonded by husband and I are through this process, the easier it is to move forward in the integration. When we pull apart is when there are ups and down in our marriage. Just like any obstacle in a marriage. No one in this situation will be better off by you being willing to throw out your marriage or go behind her back.

It's actually quite a common reaction. A lot of spouses can accept the idea of it. But, when the flesh and blood person starts knocking on their doors, things change.

I think it's absolutely fantastic that you want to meet your daughter and that she wants to connect with you. This has always been on your mind and in all fairness you were honest with your wife and told her how things stood and still stand. Your wife doesn't understand why you would want to know your daughter as she feels what you have already should be enough. Her emotions are running high and she is feeling threatened. She can't imagine you sharing your love with another [URL="http://oxfordtherapist.com"]child[/URL] and that also this is a connection to something that happened before you met her. She could even be afraid of the connection between you and the birth mother. However much you tell your wife you love her she is feeling that you are being disloyal. I know this makes no real sense but women often don't make sense because they find it hard to open up. You also mentioned that she had quite a traumatic childhood so that is also heavily sitting on her stomach. Be gentle with her, try not to be angry and give her time. If she loves you she will understand in time that this is something extremely important to you. Best of luck with your meeting and I hope it brings joy to both you and your daughter.