Birthfathers wife jealous!

Murf, I have a lot of experience with this (unfortunately). If you could give me some examples I could try and help. Also, if you look at my profile you will see lots of examples...sigh. I HIGHLY recommend the book "Coming Home to Self" by Nancy Verrier. Kind regards, Moonbeam

I just want to clarify-- I am not suggesting that the OP ignore the wife if the wife is in the room, or in any way escalate tension with her. And obviously if the wife is actively sabotaging the reunion (keeping dad from seeing his daughter, insisting on being in the room and being obnoxious the whole time, etc.) that's a different issue altogether. But if she's just refusing to interact with OP and saying the reunion and it's emotional fallout are only her husband's to deal with-- then leaving her out of things might be best. I hate to advise (unless absolutely unavoidable) an adoptee to change his or her personality/ desires to accommodate the unsympathetic whims of a person who is only tangentially related to the reunion, because that can be a very slippery slope. One minute you're making small concessions to accommodate them, then the next they are somehow calling all the shots in your reunion experience. Someone who begins a relationship with making lots of demands for accommodation usually comes up with more once those demands are met. I agree that, depending on the situation though, the OP may need to show a desire to accommodate the wife very early on, but only if it is absolutely necessary to maintain a relationship with the bdad. A reunion is a sort of negotiation. After the discovery of another person, the discovery of a shared history/biology, etc, there is a negotiation period where you determine what role each of you will play in the other's life moving forward. In any negotiation, it is important to identify what is most important in each situation-- your relationship with that person, or the outcome you desire. If the relationship you hope to have with the person (like the birthfather) is a thing you want to maintain in the long term, you should be more accommodating and compromising for him and he toward you. His new wife, however, may never come around (my birthfather's wife never has), and you may waste precious time and energy compromising for and accommodating a person who has no intention of returning the favor. In that case, the outcome you desire with your bdad is more important that the relationship you hope to have with his wife. It was the biggest relief when I realized, several years into reunion with my birthfather, that I could simply leave his wife to her own devices and stop jumping through hoops to please her. I didn't argue with her, or call her crazy, or throw a tantrum; I simply stopped going out of my way to accommodate her and focused on creating time with my bdad instead of the two of them together. Like meeting dad at his mother's house rather than his house, or going out for lunch at a diner instead of dinner at his place. *If* that is a possible solution in your case, I highly recommend it. It's different for everyone, but I personally don't consider my bdad's wife a part of my bio-fam or adoptive fam. I wrote out a 'joined' family tree for myself once; the people on the many sides of relation that I consider part of *my* family. I simply didn't have room for her. There were so many people that I cared about more, had a strong connection with, etc. My 'a ha!' moment was when I realized that she probably doesn't have room on her 'tree' for me either. And you know what? I was ok with it. I was shocked at what a non-issue it became when I looked at it that way.

That's a great way of looking at it. I think you are dead on in that accommodating people is a slippery slope. There are people who if given an inch will take a mile and make you tap dance instead of appreciating the fact that you are being gracious. In the end however you have to be careful as Snow white says not to make her "an issue" between you birthfather and you. Alternative paths to getting together are good as long as he is nurturing his relationship with her. It takes time and I think there are women who feel extremely competitive about other women no matter where they fit in. Does she have a daughter? Just curious because it could mean that she might feel you will displace her in her husband's eyes.

First---thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to my concerns with my bdads wife. Im just learning how to navigate around the site ---so please feel free to give me any pointers or if I do something wrong--please let me know! I have been reunited w my dad for 9-10months now. Yes--she is his wife and not my bmom. It is going really well and we have much in common and bonded quickly--he came to visit me for the first time as lives far away. The visit went really well but found really hard when he had to leave to go home again. I have tried to connect with his wife and told my bdad that I would be open to talking to her about any concerns she may have. I wrote a letter when he was here and told him to give to her but dont know if he has done this yet as feel he just tries to keep the peace at home at this point. He has been very supportive of our relationship and dont feel he would bolt--as this did cross my mind. Im sure if I ever crossed a line and upset her in any major way that could change and does scare me as I am emotionally invested at this point. We talk 3-4x/wk by email and I have plans to visit in 3-4 months time. She has made it clear to him that I am not welcome to stay in their home but my biosiblings (sisters) have offered to open their home so this was reassuring. I have tried to make her feel part of this reunion and to let her know by my actions that I realize this is a family unit that needs to be respected. I feel your right though---she doesnt need to be part of this and if that is what she wants than I need to respect her wishes--and I will. It actually seems to bother my father worse than me and I wish for his sake especially that she would entertain talking to me. She told him she felt he loved me more than them (meaning her and their 2 daughters) and know this is wrong as he loves all of them with his whole heart!

Just to clarify something, I don't think anyone should let the wife call the shots or create the blueprint for how things operate. You most certainly don't want to start that. What I meant was that sometimes you may have to dance around things to make sure things take off the way you want them to...AT FIRST. Example-being polite, being willing to get to know her, feeling things out, being diplomatic, etc. This allows you time to keep the father from bolting due to pressure or a wife's upset until you have established a relationship. Many men have been known to bolt in the early stages and then all is lost. I don't think all situations are the same, but I feel caution and using your head can come in handy during a time that often involves a lot of emotion and change. On another note, it is interesting to see how many daughters have problems with the wife. In my case, I discovered my problem with the wife wasn't just about me. She had problems with every kid of my father's on a major scale. If anything came out of my problem with her, it was discovering she really had her own issues on many levels. I sometimes think these wives would be trouble whatever the cause.

I could not agree more, littletraveler! (((Murf)))-- so sorry that your bdad's wife is making this so hard! At least you know you are not alone, for whatever comfort or help that might offer. The Wife sounds like just the sort that littletraveler described; trouble no matter what. She's making a life event that really has very little to do with her All About Her. She won't see you, she's upset, she thinks you are taking over her family and her husband, she doesn't feel loved.... and you find yourself in the position of trying to comfort her when you are going through a very life-changing moment. That's hard. It sounds like you have gone above and beyond to make her comfortable already. It sounds like the bio-sibs are understanding though. The fact that they are offering you a place to stay, when their mother won't makes me think this may not be unusual behavior from the Wife. Has she ever met you? Or have your interactions with her been over email/ phone, etc? For what it's worth, during your upcoming visit with your bdad you might like that you aren't actually staying in his house; it could give you time to decompress and process (especially b/c his wife sounds like such a peach!). I always have the most fun staying with my bio-sibs, myself. Since we didn't share our adolescences, we have a tendency to be absolute goofballs, drinking whiskey and staying up until waaaaay too late telling jokes and embarrassing stories. It is terrible that the Wife would say that you aren't 'welcome in her house' though! How awful! That had to be hurtful. Sorry you are having to deal with her in what otherwise sounds like a very positive reunion.

I think it's cool that you bio siblings are willing to have you stay with them. I agree it may be much easier. I would simply keep my eyes and ears open to see if there is some common thread regarding how the wife is treating people. It may take some time for her to realize you are not a threat to her relationship. It's really more about her than you. She will have to deal with her insecurities around this. You can't "fix" what makes her insecure. She is the only one who can do that.

Yes--it really hurt when she said i wasnt welcome in their home. I was just dumbfounded that somebody could be so cruel and inconsiderate of anothers feelings. Its hard to process how a woman can be married to man for over 40 years and treat his own biological child in such a rude manner. I tried to put myself in her shoes and imagine how i would behave if my husband had a bio child surface--well I know without a doubt i would never treat another human being in that manner. Even if i didnt care for the child I would try my best--even if just for my husbands sake--because I love him--to make it work. Like really--how can a woman claim to love a man and carry on like this? I have had no direct contact with this woman as she refuses to even talk to me--could be interesting when i go to visit. We have friends in the area so to be honest--I think we will stay with them as agree a time out may be needed. My gut instinct tells me as long as Im x# of miles away she can somewhat pretend I dont exist but i think when i get in her neck of the woods she may become quite unreasonable--and wonder if visiting is even a good idea?

Agreed that if someone means a great deal to someone you love it would seem to me that the gracious thing to do would be to attempt to at least be polite and welcoming for the sake of your loved one. Unfortunately not everyone is capable or even willing to be gracious usually because of extreme insecurity. Has there been any infidelity on your father's part that you know of? If there has that could explain a lot. Lack of trust means that anyone or any threat no matter how unfounded can cause people to be toxic. I would certainly try to talk to your birthfather to see if you can ascertain anything to help you understand this may not be about you. It may be about her inability to accept that there was a significant other in your father's past. She may be so insecure in her relationship that she is jealous of that past attachment. I know it sounds wild but it may be what's going on. I wouldn't let her insecurities dictate your relationship with your father. would ask one of your siblings how their relationship has been going over the past few years. Is the woman near menopause. That could explain this situation too. When you realize that her issues have nothing to do with you it may make it easier to accept her as she is.

I think Murphymalone has a point about the wife's past dealings with infidelity. In my father's wife's case, her previous husband and a previous boyfriend had a history of cheating with other women. I also knew that she always wanted to keep up with my father's schedule, even when it wasn't related to me. During the time I had contact with my father, she would periodically let me know how much she meant to him, how he really persued her when they courted, what all he did for her kids (not his kids), how they were meant to be, etc. etc. etc. It was so much so that it became annoying and I sometimes wondered if it wasn't aimed at my mother's memory. I felt it was often over the top and out of bounds considering who I was. I felt this way because my father and mother were married before I was born and we lived our life as a family for a few brief years until their divorce and my father's absense from my life and my eventual step father adoption a few years after their divorce. I sometimes felt she had a need to let me know she was #1. In my case, the wife was supportive, at first. However, it didn't take long and there were issues. I considered it was partially due to her personality and issues because she also had problems with his son from another marriage. He can't stand her. I also contribute the majority of the reunion failure to my father. Long story. Anyhoo, wives can be trouble, but it often is more than just a returning child. They have issues they are bringing to the reunion and you experience the fall-out.

If you poke around on the forums a bit you will actually find a few older threads dealing with this issue. It is way more common than I thought. One thread got hi-jacked by a couple of Wives of bio-dads ( I think it is on the bio-dads board), and for all of the vitriol, there was a window into the way the wives' minds were working. A couple of them seemed to be blind-sided by the strength of their own emotions when their husband's daughters sought reunion. This sort of jealous reaction seems to happen almost exclusively with wives of bio-dads with daughters. I guess in some way it is like their husband is spending time with another adult female, and even though they logically know that she is his daughter, they still feel jiilted? I don't fully understand it either. I don't see how a person can have such a hard time stepping out of that mindset, or fail to see that reunion doesn't need to be a tug of war. Then again, I have never actually been in their position. Staying with friends when you are town sounds like a good idea. I don't think the Wife Situation should stop you from going. Bottom line is that reunions can be very difficult, full of ups and downs. It won't kill you, but it will show you some of the dark sides of people. good luck.

Murf, This is great reading (and could make your head spin :woohoo: a little too, but there is a lot of emotion in this thread - good and bad - that could help you): [url]http://forums.adoption.com/birth-adoptive-family-relationships/385963-my-birth-fathers-wife.html?highlight=wanttodoright[/url] Kind regards, Moonbeam

I wonder if the reason SOME wives do this isn't just the result of their own insecurites. In other words, maybe it isn't the whole reason, but is part of it. In my case, I found my father wasn't telling everyone the same stories about the past-me one thing and his wife and siblings other things. He was also telling her things about me and my conversations with him that led her to get upset. Example-Things I said to him about holding him responsible for my step parent adoption after he had been my active father the first few years of my life. This led to his wife's irritations and what eventually led to my lack of contact with everyone. I was lied on and misrepresented about his reasons for being out of my life and what took place between us during reunion. Throughout my reunion, my father always seemed not "all on board", but I was the only one who seemed to see it. When things were over, I had a wife who had her own insecurites ON TOP of the crap he had fed her to stay out of trouble, keep lies covered, and keep me away. So, when people have wife issues, they should make sure the father isn't part of the problem and possibly feeding it. My father's wife had insecurites, but there was also more going on to add to it. I ended up being out of my father's family because of it all. I think this garners another comment to people in reunion reading this thread. If you have a father or other family member in reunion and then he attempts to end it based on bad things he has said about the adoptee, think twice before you end it, too. The adoptee may be being lied on to insure a break in contact.

that's exactly the thread I was thinking of, too-- thanks for posting the link, moonbeam!

Just some insite for you on the wife's part I am in a very similar situation, as the "wife". However I have not treated my husband or his daughter this way. Jealousy does play apart in this of course. However i describe it more as heart break. It is very hard to see someone I have only met once call my husband dad, and my children brother and sister, and also he him self has only seen maybe 11 days total in the past 20 some years. It hurts very deeply in an indescribable nature, I know this is apart of his life that is very important to him on many levels. I have choose to deal with my issues. At this time I have been put on calming medications and have entered counciling. I don't know if it will work, I love my husband dearly and want nothing more then him to have what he deserves, but the heart break tears at me everyday. It is not the child's fault that this happened or yours. But understand you at anytime may choose to walk away from the reunion with no repercussions as you have the right to choose what part you want to play. But being the "wife" you have to live with what ever the father and child Decide. I do not get to choose what part the child will play in my life with out consequences. If you the child are uncomfortable it is ok and comforted. If I the wife am uncomfortable I have to deal with it. Hope all works out for you!! she is just sad displaced and probably has no where to turn for advice.