Reunions and False Claims of Child Abuse

Raven, I am so sorry. I hope you have the chance to connect with his adoptive parents on a different level now that you know the truth. hopefully it will be a support to all of you as you cope with dealing with your son.

Thanks for the support, Jen -- it is very much appreciated! When I have time to process everything...and as soon as my heart gets back to a normal rhythm, I plan on writing a long letter to his parents. I know his mom, especially, never understood why I suddenly pulled back from them. When we first reunited almost 23 years ago, his mom and I got to know each other very well...and liked each other. We met weekly for lunch and a girl's day out. Then the abuse allegation was made...and I went silent on his parents. I haven't spoken with them since I moved away from my hometown at the end of 1998.I won't be dealing with my son's issues anymore -- we're done. His cruelty and vindictiveness is beyond belief...and I'm disinheriting him. I no longer consider him my son. My sweet baby Christopher James died 40 years ago....at least that's what my mind keeps telling me. I don't know who this man is anymore. All I know is he's trying to destroy my entire family right now.

I'm so sorry. How awful it must be, to feel like you've lost him twice.

((((Raven)))). I'm praying you get the support you need to make it through this difficult time!!

I'm so sorry, Ravensong. sending hugs your way.

Raven - there are no words of comfort. I am just so sorry. Sometimes the hardest losses are the losses of DREAMS -- of who you thought your son was, and could be, and would continue to be in your life. Losing the dream, even if it was never real, is almost harder because reality can be so painful. I am so sorry your son has shown this side of himself to you -- and thankful in a sense because at least you know the truth and with truth there will (eventually) come healing. I really do hope you reach out to his aparents and maybe some healing can come from that. I will pray for protecting on the rest of your family as well as it sounds like things are brutally tough right now. I am so sorry - you have never spoken anything other than love and respect for your son.

Raven -- by the way, I also wanted to say that you are not alone in this experience. I know, from the adoptive parent side, several adoptive parents who have had their children claim "abuse" (or at least hardship, poor me syndrome, lack of care, I wasn't loved, they loved my sibling more etc) to their birth family when reuniting -- but in all those cases it was usually very young adoptees struggling with the reality of how to develop a relationship with a new set of parents and in all cases, was either completely false, or a very, very exaggerated sense of the truth. A desire to seek a "special" relationship with a birth parent, but not knowing how to do that while maintaining a relationship with the parents who are essentially still parenting, as the adoptee is on the brink of adulthood. And most 17, 18, 19 year olds are still thinking their parents are probably the worst parents on earth and anyone would have been nicer/fairer/more generous and if they think they will get positive attention from a parent because of those claims -- the subconscious need may over power common sense and honesty. I remember particularly one case where I had witnessed both the aparent-child interaction the day before when the child was corrected for a behavior, and then heard the child recount the event to the birth parent the next day where she claimed her amother had been "mean and verbally abusive" which she had NOT -- she had simply been correcting a behavior - you know "parenting" :) Giving your son the (very marginal) benefit of the doubt -- possibly he shared the lie with you because he wanted you for himself, not shared with his aparents, and he figured that would be an effective way to do it. He was young when you reunited right? Too much going on so he didn't know the right way to cope? To juggle those relationships and he told a lie (an effective lie no doubt) and then it was "too late" to untell it. And it took him 20 years to be able too -- and oh the decades of damage he caused. Once you get into that pattern of lies and manipulation - and it works well for you -- it is very, very hard to break out of it. Personality disorders are like that too. Anyways, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. And I am so sorry.

((((Raven)))) I am very sorry. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hopefully your son will one day wake up and see what his lies have cost him. There is no way that he will ever know your pain and I am sorry for that. If he would manipulate someone is this manner he simply does not have the current capability to fathom how terrible his actions are. What a blow. People who make false allegations simply put those of us who are dealing with real situations in a terrible position. I don't blame you for being angry and cutting off all ties.

Raven,What a blow. So sorry that you are having to deal with this. Glad your son wasn't abused but to have your child be so manipulative to you must be hard. Hopefully there is some help available to him for his issues.God Bless.

I've been lurking for a while but felt I had to answer because I have a brother who told his birthmother he was abused when he wasn't. I am not sure exactly why he has done so except that: 1) He is schizophrenic. Even though he is on pills and is quite functional in most ways, he can still be hard to talk to as he tends to take things in the wrong way all the time (I often have to keep finding "safe" subjects to talk about even when we are talking about very inane subjects. 2) I wonder whether also my abrother feels that by telling his birthmother that our adoptive parents were abusive, he felt that he would ensure that his birthmother wouldn't want to talk to our APs, which is what seems to have happened. He has been in reunion for about 15 years and none of us have ever met her and I assume she has no wish to met us or our "abusing" parents. I note that your son telling you that they were abusive meant that you stopped contact with your son's APs which meant that he has kept you all separate. Maybe he was worried that his APs would say nothing but awful things about him to you. I suspect that my abrother thinks that as he does have a bit of a paranoia problem. Actually, I suspect that if my amom met my abrother's birthmother, she would say nice things about him. I think Jensboys makes a good point about those people who reunite at a young age. Reunion is a very emotional time at any age and for young people who are still doing their growing up, it can be quite emotionally distabilising. Even though I was in my 40s when I made contact, it has still been very emotional. One is going from an abstract image of their bparents/family to reality. There is also the extra fact that many people in the general population think there is something wrong with people who want to reunite with family and assume there must be something wrong with them. One sees it all the times, even from fellow adoptees. In fact, everytime I see an adoptee who says "I don't need to meet my birthfamily because I was loved enough", I think that it makes those adoptees who do reunite feel as if they are being judged for doing so. Of course, reunion is hard for everyone in the adoption triad, adoptees, APs and bparents. One thing I've found also is that if one does have great bparents, that can actually make things harder for an adoptee to deal with because they realise what they may have missed out on. Incidentally, even though my abrother has been reunited for 15 years, he told me the other day that he just can't understand how his bmother could give him up. I have done a bit of research on how things were and thus I tried to explain things to him and I gave him the book "The girls who went away". He knows his bmother loves him because they are still in constant touch. Also, I do wonder whether males do find it more difficult than females because they don't really understand what it is like to be a woman.

((((Raven)))) I am just now seeing this. I'm so very sorry

I think some adoptees are uncomfortable about bparents & aparents having contact. They also may feel a need for privacy that they don't even understand, may not want aparents to be able to tell birthparents about how they have acted, etc. Yes, and tell negative things about the aparents. Self-protection. They are curious, but defensive. We also may feel the same way, not want to reveal too many of our failures to them. The feeling isn't surprising, though this example is more extreme. It comes from the same place, however.

Oh, and occasionally it's an open secret that they are adopted. No one lies about it, but it may not get mentioned. My son's adopted family moved several times, then the parents divorced, and I have a distinct feeling that none of his adult friends know he was adopted. Well, until my other son and he met, and even so, I bet they assume they are half brothers, different marriage, etc...but they are full brothers. Lots of secrets and weirdness in life.

Kingstonrule, I've been thinking for days now about what you posted, especially what you shared about your brother. I think you're right about my son not wanting me to contact his aparents. He knows darn well that I know he's using illegal drugs once again, and the last time we went down this road his parents and I joined together in order to help him. He's a full-fledged adult now at 41, however, and I would never tell his parents what I suspect. But he most likely doesn't know that. My son was diagnosed as a teenager with Bipolar Disorder Type I. Between the ages of 14 and 16, however, the dx was schizophrenia -- it's so hard to differentiate the two conditions in teenagers. He has a couple nasty personality disorders thrown into the mix, too, which makes it very unpleasant to deal with him when he goes off his meds or starts using street drugs.