Why the inconsistant contact?

I agree with Kathleen. Even after I'd done my homework, and did a lot of work untwisting the twisted perceptions I had, I still have moments when those negative feelings come up. I've found when those moments appear I do pull back in a way. It's difficult not to try to avoid those feelings. The last thing i want to do is share them with my mother, she has enough to deal with herself, it's not fair to her. Plus I have things to do, bills to pay, house to run, have others counting on me, and they can see when "it's" bugging me, so can I. Even when it's all good, and we contact each other, it knocks me down in a way. Lots to think about I guess. Those feelings, good and bad, change my mood, my motivation, some days I just can't go there at all and keep moving. Still. So I hide in my world until it's passed. Has nothing to do with my mother really. Those lingering negative feelings aren't in my heart, or in my mind. I know better. Not sure why or where they are hiding! That's what I am working on now. Sometimes it's easier just to be lazy about it and hide from it. I've been doing it long enough now to know you can't hide for long. My mom does it too, we've talked about it. So it does make it easier, lessens the stress, that we have told each other that we "get it" and will always be there for each other. I'm determined to find more answers and explanations for this.

Thanks Kathleen.. It is great to hear a professional perspective from someone who has been there. I did get some therapy through a specialised adoption councillor but she didn't mention the stages of reunion or give me any tools to deal with my feelings when my daughter pulled away after reunion. I have found out so much information on this forum on reunion stages - as Moonbeam mentioned (thank you). When my daughter wrote an angry email to me full of misunderstandings I did write back standing up for myself and I mentioned to her that I have bought a book on reunion and found helpful information on the internet. I also said that if anger and resentment had surfaced it may taint her relationships if she doesn't work through it. She has never mentioned to me that she has sought out therapy. I know she has struggled with things but when I asked what and if I could help with anything she just said "well we are all here now (the triad) and we are all healthy people" so I feel she has a bit of denial. It could also be that she is defensive with me and doesn't want to admit to anything. She said once that reunion was hard and many don't keep in touch. She is quite an assertive, negative person and we have only met 7 times now for lunch/dinner, so I have not had the chance to really get into where we are going in our relationship. Her focus is very much on herself at the moment and I don't feel that she realises what I have gone/am going through at all, which is understandable, but there is a lack of compassion as well which is alarming. I wrote her a very personal email of prebirth/birth/postbirth information and she just said she appreciated me bringing it all up again/must have been hard etc but when I next saw her she just cross questioned me on some details and didn't seem to have any empathy at all. Her focus is also on her birth father, who she is in reunion with and she has now spent more time with him than with me. She probably thinks I was trying to put her off him. Being an unsettled girl in her early 30's who travels all over the place, I don't think her maturity level at the moment can really "get me" - she just "keeps moving" because if she stops she may have to look within. (Thanks Beth for your insights there) When I did bring up my healing support strategies (i.e. Reiki, Energetic Healing etc) and how I am reading up on reunion and understand that the birth parents can be a bit over enthusiastic at first for instance - I was met with a "rabbit caught in the headlights" look and no comment, so I don't think she is ready to go there. She said in her angry email that she just wants our contact to be happy and relaxed with no emotional tugs so I think accessing her emotions makes her feel uncomfortable. I am happy to keep in touch and see how things go in the future, but I won’t let myself be used as someone to take things out on because I don’t think that will be of benefit to her in the long run. Kathleen - Do you think I should write a letter to her asking her to be honest in how the reunion process is going for her and if she has struggled with anything that maybe I can help with? Or do you think it is better to leave it to her? I don’t want to initiate a face to face with her at the moment because I find the cross questions and button pushing unpleasant – could it be she is using that as a form of defence or control of the conversation so I don’t ask too many questions of her? Thanks again for taking the time to post back to me :)

ULTREA,Not everyone is capable of self-reflection to the degree that you appear to be. You have to meet her at her level.I would recommend against pressing her to share any emotions right now. Let them come out organically. You mentioned that you had a seemingly warm reunion and connected. Then, she wrote you an angry email. Hypothesis 1: She started to realize everything that she lost by not having you in her life, and it become difficult for her to deal with emotionally. Hypothesis 2: She feels guilty for feeling so close to you because she has parents who raised her. . . . I am so sorry. I wish my mother was as interested in knowing me as you are in knowing your daughter.

I am sorry that she acted this way. I have no idea what makes people tick. The same thing happened to me but the roles are reversed. My birth family simply stopped writing, calling or emailing. The last contact I had was bizarre. I won't go into all the details here. I didn't get the email which would at least explain what's going on. Silence is deafening. If people aren't prepared to commit to some form of communication that's agreed upon; I have no clue how a relationship can exist.

Thanks so much! It is great to get feedback from other adoptees. It is inspiring to feel some worth in continuing in what I have been doing. Being consistant with contact on my end without going over the top or have expectations, and being positive in my responses. Sometimes when there is silence you do wonder what you have done wrong. When people treat you with disrespect or don't believe what you have told them, choose to be offended etc I feel that it is usually more about the other person's issues than anything you have said or done :) Murphy, I have read your posts so I am aware of your situation. If I can offer a suggestion? Could you write the letter stating all the misunderstandings and expressing your wishes on how you feel the relationship can move forward open to negotiation of course, and ask your birth family to let you know honestly within a certain amount of time? If there is no response you will know one way or the other and can move forward? I don't know if that would be appropriate in your situation as there are a few birth family members involved but that's what I think I would do for my own santity. xx

Thanks for trying to understand. I have tried my best to do as they have asked and now the ball is in their court. I will at some point if there is an opening; try to put my feelings out there again....but I haven't got the courage right now. The wound is still quite raw. I have had my heart broken once too often I suppose. It tore me into pieces when my father didn't want to talk to me.

I am so sorry that he wouldn't talk to you at the moment. It is very hard but I know that time has an amazing way of letting us see things from another person's perspective and he may just find that he can see things differently down the track. He's not very well at the moment either I think? I know when I am not feeling very well for whatever reason I don't feel able to cope with talking to my daughter. I am used to being a strong person but she just gets to me - I think it's the grief of lost time. If I could see her in person and give her a hug it may be different but talking on the phone is hard. In the meantime nurture yourself and heal those wounds - no one should have the power to break us completely so that we don't heal - don't allow that to happen to you. This reunion experience is a chance for us all to evolve above the day to day roller coaster of emotions, turn the other cheek and find balance and love within ourselves. That's what I keep telling myself anyway!! Take care and thanks for answering my posts too.. xx

Thanks. He is not well. I will give it time. I have survived despite all things that happened when I was too young to protect myself. This too shall pass.

ULTREA, From your description, your daughter sounds as if shes unconsciously blocking. YouҒll have to wait until shes ready to talk. But thereҒs nothing wrong with letting her know that youre ready to discuss the heavy stuff whenever she wants and she should feel comfortable asking the hard questions. I realize it can be unpleasant to do face-to-face, but thatҒs the best place to do it. Letters and emails can be misconstrued, and phone conversations are missing facial expressions and body language. Being with someone is the very essence of relationship. (Theres no face in Facebook.) If she already knows youҒll be there for deeper conversations then theres no need to say more. However, if you decide to write, you have options. You could write a letter and send it. Or you could write a letter, sit on it for a while, then reread, edit and send. Another option is to keep a journal for a few months or a year, dating your entries, and then share it with her when you feel the time is right. This is perceived as less threatening than a letter addressed to an individual but may be overly intense. ThereҒs such a thing as being too honest in the sense that there are always some things better left unsaid. Theres an out-of-print book available used on Amazon for only 4 cents, ғ[URL="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0882820524/sr=1-1/qid=1358628102/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1358628102&seller=&sr=1-1"]Birthbond: Reunions Between Birthparents and Adoptees, What Happens After[/URL]. IԒve read it and its worth the time, particularly chapter four entitled Post-Reunion Basics. Another I havenҒt read but you may be interested in is, [URL="http://www.amazon.com/Adoption-Reader-Mothers-Adoptive-Daughters/dp/1878067656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358632827&sr=1-1&keywords=adoption+reader"]The Adoption Reader: Birth Mothers, Adoptive Mothers, and Adopted Daughters Tell Their Stories[/URL],Ӕ also used on Amazon for only one penny. In general Whether adoptee or birth mother, not everyone is reunion-ready when found. Expectations, wants and needs may not be the same. An unwillingness to change rigid expectations will break a reunion. Be flexible with your expectations. Remember that the quality or pace of the relationship with your daughter is not the key to your healing. Or hers. The kind of relationship desired may differ. Some adoptees donŒt want another mother; they want a casual friendship only, and this will be disappointing to a birth mother who wants more. The reverse is true as well. Some birth mothers desire to be friends but cant fill the role of mother, and this is crushing for an adoptee thatҒs looking for a strong maternal bond. Some birth mothers can take years to thaw out of their deep freeze, and some never do; they will never be able to connect as Mom. Some adoptees take years to let go of their anger, and some never do; they will always be angry at Mom. Reunions fail because carving out a mature, healthy relationship is fraught with difficulty, the hurdles are too high. Those who think it should be easier will resent the work involved and be tempted to quit. So will the impatient. Patience is important. It can take years and years for healing to fully manifest. Or not. One birth mother was lambasted in a hate-filled letter, almost twenty years post-reunion, by an adoptee stuck in dissociated rage, destroying any hope for a relationship. Some adoption literature is good, some is iffy at best. Avoid pop psychology. The better writers should be taken with a grain of salt as well. Liftons different selves, VerrierҒs primal wound, Solls mother/child separation as PTSD Җ none of these theories have the solid support of published, peer-reviewed research data and, without it, will eventually go the way of Freud. Ideas lacking empirical evidence are interesting but certainly dont apply to every adoptee or birth mother. DonҒt discount or believe all of it. There are lots of helpful insights to glean but be careful in your reading. Paper never refuses ink, and almost anyone can get published these days, especially for the Kindle. David Kirchners work with homicidal adoptees is absolutely fascinating. Everyone interested in adoption should read him, heҒs that good. He states that of the 500 estimated serial killers in U.S. history, 16 percent were adopted as children, while adoptees represent only 2 or 3 percent of the general population; and adoptees are 15 times more likely to kill one or both of their adoptive parents than biological children. But some will walk away thinking all male adoptees are at high risk of becoming homicidal serial killers simply because a very small segment of them do, albeit disproportionate of the general population. So we need to guard against tarring everyone with the same brush. Also know when an opinion is given. Kirschner writes, Usually they [reunions] do not result in long-term, close relationships.Ӕ This is his opinion based on his clinical practice and reading. However, we dont know yet if this is true. We need longitudinal studies with large samples. In addition, much of whatҒs been written applies to human behavior and relationships in general, common outside of the adoption triad. Women whove never relinquished a child for adoption and nonadopted adults experience the same problems in their relationships as birth mothers and adoptees in reunion.

Thanks so much Kathleen for this information. I will do some more reading from the books you suggested. I have been avoiding Primal Wound for some reason - now I know why! I did write a short email to my daughter stating that I would like to understand her better and mentioned that I have been offended by a few things and she actually called me to apologise. I was very surprised. We had a long talk and I think we have sorted out a way to move forward. The problem is we have only met half a dozen times so we don't know each other very well. She told me she has had counselling in the past for a number of issues and feels that for her the issues have all been dealt with well. She would like to have a friendship with me. She mentioned her amother has made it incredibly hard during the last 2 years because of her emotional response to my daughter actually finding me and starting contact. I know her amother wasn't prepared for it (we have written to each other) and so there is a barrier of guilty/loyalty for my daughter which inhibits how much time we spend together at the moment. I can understand she is caught in the middle, time will tell - it's frustrating mostly. I find it hard to meet her for a few hours catch up then not see or hear from her for months. She explained that by saying that is just her personality and she doesn't keep in constant touch with her own family and sometimes doesn't talk to friends for weeks. I will just have to accept that is the way she is and get over my disappointment and try not to feel like I'm on the fringes of her life at the moment. To be honest, this reunion has been my main focus for over 2 years and I think we all need to settle and relax a bit. I need to find balance within myself too. I think communication is really the key and being willing to openly talk and listen to each other with understanding. Thanks again so much for all your help forum members.

Ultra.... I am an adult adoptee, and adoptee rage is something I deal with daily. My bio mom found me at when I turned 18. She was my beat friend. As soon as I moved away from home she stopped contacting me. I then started my own family, and that's when the rage truly began. I began to put my whole life in perspective. And, even though I was raised by amazing adopted parents I would have given anything to be raised by my now very successful mother. Now, with that being said... I have an extreme amount of anger towards her right now, but it has nothing to do with my adoption. Its another looooong story. I understand how your daughter is feeling. And, a lot of her feels very torn between you, her adoptive mother, and her bio father. She is probably hearing everyone's point of view and I'm sure none of them are too pleasing. My bio father still finds it necessary to bash my mother (really? After all these years, it takes 2 to tango, and 2 to relinquish rights). Anyways, instead of calling all the time. I think you should send some cards or letters with some nice thoughts in them. Just to let her know that you are there for her, if and when she is ready. Because in the end, if it doesn't work out... You want the personal peacefulness that comes with knowing you did everything you could, instead of sitting back and waiting Much love and luck to you. And if you ever need to talk feel free to PM me Sarah

Just in case any newbies to adoption search read this post, I don't want them to think that this is true in all cases. My biological father had no rights. He wanted to keep me. It only took one, my mother, to decide to relinquish. She decided on adoption. She signed the papers.

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I am and adult Adoptee that reunited with my birthmother when I was 18. (Closed). That was about 30 years ago. The reunion was full of emotions, and happiness/eagerness to reunite. I was also still a child at that age. I would talk with her about once a month which worked for me at that time. In my twenties, my bmom actually backed away from me and was busy living her life. Over the years I would visit, but the last time she visited me was almost 20 yrs ago. It felt like I was expected to go to her home and spend time with her family but she wouldn't come see me and my family. I love my bfamily, but they are not the same family that has given me years of familiarity. It has felt like she wanted to forget I have a family here, and sometimes its felt like she wants me to forget my family here. I doubt that's true, but it's a feeling that's been had. It's not the birthmothers fault, it just is what it is. For a long time I tried to be the child I knew she wanted. Now that I'm older, I know better and while I try to be polite and cordial, I don't bend over backwards to people please anymore, and that's ruffled quite a few feathers of late. She wants more communication than what I am capable of providing or giving...to anyone. It's not a lack of love or caring, ...or empathy, it's just something within some of us adoptees as adults who want these sorts of expectations lowered significantly. I do not wish her any harm, I love her dearly, but I cannot and will not be her emotional punching bag, or an emotional support person/therapist, I cannot be that daughter she so badly wanted but had to relinquish. I can't fulfill that fantasy because I am not that baby anymore. I've had to learn a lot lately about what it means to be codependent when in family relationships with vulnerable narcissists. I pray someday she will accept me as I am, not as whatever mental health disorder judgements have been rationalized upon me within her reality. Some birthmothers badly want contact with the adoptee and a relationship as if they were never ever placed for adoption. This is in no way meant to hurt my birthmother or bmoms in general. This post has been edited because of adoptee rage that floated to the surface and into a post. This is one of the realities of being an adult Adoptee. The trauma can stick and if it sticks to you, it's a difficult road for adoptees and their relationships with birthparents. We are not extensions of our biological parents, as in, we are individuals that have grown into adults. We are no longer children. We are not the child you dreamt of. We are adults with our own personalities, dreams, and behaviors. If we reunite and have a healthy relationship, that's fantastic and beautiful, celebrate it. If we reunite and cannot have healthy boundaries, that's when one has to back off contact. No one is entitled to treat people as less than, no matter the age difference, no matter their role in adoption relationships. We had no say in the way we were introduced to this world, and some of us are still trying to work through abandonment issues, attachment issues, various other mental health diagnosis with a common denominator. Obviously I'm still working through my adoptee rage because it's a traumatic experience for a child to 1) be relinquished and 2) are left without a primary caregiver for 3+ weeks. No matter how much I don't want it to hurt, it still does at times, especially when she's hateful and overly judgemental. I'm in therapy, but when I asked if she'd attend one, she said no. I want a healthy relationship with my bmom. I've read from birthmothers who long for their child they were maybe forced to relinquish, or pushed to. It's horrible that this happened to you and your pain is valid. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart that you had to go through that. If Bmom would research about adult adoptees and see the commonalities, maybe that could help tone down things....maybe? In regards to my amom, too, I've felt pulled between my mom's since day 1 of reunion. Neither of them consciously wanted to put me in the middle, but I was, and that still messes with me. Not in a victim mindset sort of way, but in an (as an adult, I've learned that healthy adults don't do this). There needs to be lateral respect between amom, bmom, and adult adoptees. This is why it is imperative for every person in the adoption triangle to be in therapy.

We don't know the extent of our birthmother or adoptive mother's pain they've experienced. You're right in validating their pain while at the same time setting boundaries for yourself. Be cautious in moving forward in your relationship with your birthmother if there is a noticeable toxic trait that she brings to the relationship. Also check yourself, are you doing what is best for you, the adult Adoptee? Or, are you still trying to gain the love and acceptance you have subconsciously and relentlessly sought since you were relinquished as a baby? Adoptive parents and birth parents can never truly understand what it's like to be the product of adoption. For example , to be the baby who was sold and bought by parents who had not yet grieved the fact they could not have their own biological children. To also be relinquished by a person who was either forced into this situation, or did not understand the consequences and thought adoption was the best option. Some of these children byproducts of adoption grow up feeling as though they never truly belong, to anything. No matter what you do, it's engrained at relinquishment, we don't belong to anyone, we must learn how to self soothe, and mask, oh the masking. It's heartbreaking, because as badly as these now grown adult Adoptees want to have healthy relationships, it's dang near impossible because of the inability to bond with others in the way most people are introduced to as they enter this world. When our infant bonds are severed, that trauma lives in the body, subconsciously coming out in ways we may or may not be aware of. Adoption can really f*** up adoptees, and we don't usually figure this out until halfway through life. Everyone has a different path, but when commonalities become prevalent and research shows how being relinquished as an infant impacts adult Adoptee relationships, it is imperative that we dig deeper to better understand as opposed to slough this off as nothing. As an adoptee in my 40s, I can say with 100% honesty that being adopted has brought challenges to me in adulthood that impact relationships and have revealed how detrimental the impact of adoption can be on adoptees. I've put in many many hours to heal the first wound, the severed bond, it is painful and I'm still working through that. Accepting that some of us will never be able to fix certain aspects of our personalities because of the depth of that primal wound is painful. It doesn't feel fair, and it's not. But we also need to take into account that our adoptive parents and birthparents experienced both pain and joy that led to adoption, and the life lived thereafter. It is hard to adequately describe what this side of the triangle feels like. One way would be to say that being an adult adoptee is like being dropped into a warzone with no weapons, no tools, and noone to have your back. Adoptees have to learn how to not let that feeling rule their lives. Some adoptees just shove that feeling down and act like nothing ever happened. Some adoptees end up having significant mental health challenges, and some even, well lookup the percentage of known serial killers that were adopted. Whoever sold adoption as this beautiful solution to an unwanted problem failed big time. While the warzone analogy may seem dramatic, even though we adoptees were raised by our adoptive parents, in my case, I never felt like I truly belonged to either my adoptive or bio family, the damage was already done on day one. Even if I convince myself otherwise, I know that little me felt like I was flying solo through this life. Even now, I love isolation and sometimes I have to force myself to interact with people. There's a stigma that Adoptees are narcissistic by default. First, that's horrible, and if you're not a psychiatrist, do not diagnose your adoptee as a narcissist, that is in itself narcissistic, though investigating the data, we see that the commonalities that cause narcissistic behaviors are more significant in those who have been adopted due to the severed primal bond. Man, if only we had this data 45 years ago. At least moving forward, open adoptions are more common and mental health resources have increased. Now we work on the stigmas, and on ourselves as individuals.