Questions..."Maiden Voyage"...First Post

Railroader, Speaking as an adoptee who found his birth father but to no avail, I think it's wonderful that you want to reach out to your daughter. I feel like I should say "thank you" for that, even though it's not my place to do so. Well, kudos at least! I'm not entirely sure from your OP if you are looking for resources to help in locating your daughter, or if you've found her and are looking for advice in going about making the actual first contact? Best, PADJ

PADG...Thank you so much for your reply. I certainly appreciate your perspective. I am sure it will be of benefit to me. I will try not to be too detailed, as you well know, there is so much detail to any adoption. I have tried several times over the last 30+ years to contact my daughter, Shana, but mostly to no avail. I know where she lives and her employment. I do not participate in Facebook (too invasive for me) but I do understand it's positive features. (Just not for me) That being said I received an e-mail from a friend of mine notifying me of a posting on Facebook by my daughter...complete with her family pictures. As previously stated I have written her several times over the years...with no reply. I take full responsibility for the adoption but I did "fight" it with all my heart and soul. I did not want it to take place. Unfortunately, in the end, I could not afford attorney fees, and lost my Shana. Any questions, advice or help you would like to volunteer would be greatly appreciated. I live by myself. Any information or contact details you may need...please feel free to ask me. Again, I'm 65 yoa and my daughter represents the only meaningful legacy I have left...Thank you so much! God Bless...Sincerely, Railroader

At least it sounds like you have ways to reach her so you're that much ahead of the game. I don't blame you for not being on Facebook. I'm not either. Other members of my family are, and they look at me like I'm from some alien planet because I'm not. But I've never seen the point and most of Facebook is more of a hassle than it's worth to me. You said you've tried several times over the last 30 years or so to contact your daughter. Were these attempts by phone, or mail / email? There are pros and cons to all methods. Sometimes I think it's less about the method used to contact the other party and more about the content. I don't know the detail and the history of your case. So for the time being it's a little difficult to suggest anything of much help. As an adoptee, I might want to know the whys and hows of my adoption. I know that in my case, what I grew up thinking I knew about my birth family was not close to reality. For now I think my best thoughts for content would be to speak plainly and honestly, but to not demand too much of your daughter if that makes sense. I feel like I'm typing a lot and saying nothing. :D Best, PADJ

PADJ....No, No...quite the contrary. You, as an adoptee, gives me a perspective that I need. If I agree or not makes no difference...it is just so important to hear your persective as an adoptee. Like you...I don't want to inundate our forum with too many details early on. I have written several lengthy letters over the years. I try to avoid any confrontation because I feel it would not accomplish anything at this point. I try to explain how I feel and what happened in my opionion. I try to always explain that I am here anytime...for any dialogue or communication based on her wants and desires. In here senior year of high school, I visited her in the school's parking lot (without any knowledge of her expecting my presence). I was with a friend of mine and we filmed the meeting. It was at best...uncomfortable and strange. Right or wrong, I left some paperwork pertinent to the adoption and some personal things I thought she should have. This meeting was sometime around 1994 at Lewisville, Texas High School, where she graduated. She now works as a teacher in the Lewsiville District Education system. I believe I have here phone # and her address in Lewisville where her and the children live with her husband. I have not heard anything from her and about a year ago sent her a seven page letter. Even though my letters sound long, I try to leave everything up to her as to if we ever have a dialogue or a communicative relationship in the future. I'll stop for now for the sake of brevity and not sounding ponderous. Also, bear with me...like I tell some of my friends now...I'm an old man and have gotten maudlin in my old age. As always thank you very much and always feel free to ask anything...Sincerely, Railroader.

Railroader, What confrontation would there be? I can understand the wanting to leave things up to her. I think in a sense you have to do that to some extent. I can also understand how some adoptees wouldn't want to, or perhaps aren't capable of, opening a dialogue with a parent they've never known. It's very much uncharted territory for all parties. One thing that my searching and locating my b-family has taught me is that you have to be ready for any eventuality. I'm repeating myself from prior threads, but when I searched, I had talked myself up into being prepared for either outright rejection by my b-family or hugely emotional tears of joy reunion. And I thought I had it all covered, never considering that there was an enormous gray area in the middle of those two extremes and that my b-family's reaction would land there. Never entered my mind that the reaction would be anything other than 100% positive or 100% negative and yet here I am. You haven't written anything that makes it sound as though she's at the 100% negative point. The letters you've sent in the past haven't been returned unopened, she hasn't said anything to the effect of "go away and leave me alone"? In the spirit of trying to find the good where you can, that's something anyway. But in all honesty, the (from her standpoint) spur of the moment visit in the parking lot of the high school where she was in her senior year...just my opinion but I think it was a big mistake. Teenagers sometimes don't take well to adults they know when things are announced. In this case, the visit was a surprise from someone she didn't really know, possibly in front of her friends or others at the school and the whole thing was being filmed. I wouldn't blame her if she was upset and I understand why the meeting felt uncomfortable and strange. Again, just my opinion, but if you should decide to pursue contact with her in the future, perhaps an apology for that meeting years ago might be a place to begin? In your case, maybe it would be a good idea to take the approach that has been talked about in other threads here. Write a draft of a letter to her but don't send it. Just get all your thoughts and feelings and ideas out on paper. Put it aside for a few days, then go back and look at it again and make any edits you choose to. Repeat the process as often as needed until you have something concise and that conveys what you want. 7 page letters can be difficult to get through, and perhaps they give too much all at once, leaving her feeling like she doesn't know what to say. This is all speculative on my part...ideas off the top of my head... Maybe there are some others on the boards who might read this and chime in with their ideas as well. One person's perspective is good, but more is better. In the meantime if you'd rather reply via email to me, feel free to go ahead any time. Best, PADJ

PADJ...Again...thank you for a very informative response/post. These are the things I need to hear...as I said before, it doesn't make any difference whether I agree or not. But so far you have been "point on". Maybe "confrontation" is a little too strong, but I just don't want to "upset the applecart". You know, you are right...I never thought about it but, her, not replying is a "positive" because like you mentioned she has not rejected or replied negatively...just no reply...which I must take as a positive sign at this juncture. Yes...the e-mail idea sounds good. Also, the "meeting" back when she was a senior in high school, I have replayed many times in my mind and it's always a negative vibe. My e-mail: d_orye@yahoo.com.....thanks so much for your repsonses..you have some really good ideas....Railroader

Hi. I thought I would chime in as I am a birthdaughter in reunion with her bfather. To say it has been easy (this thing called reunion) would be a bold-faced lie. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but, that being said, it's also the most important thing I've ever done in my life - for me and for my heart. If you would have asked me 20 years ago if I wanted to know this man that is my bfather I would have called you - and him - every name in the book and tell you why - in no uncertain terms - I didn't need him in my life. Through a lot of thought over the years (and turning 40 years old) I finally decided to find out about him. I've written many posts on this site; you can search my log-on name and read them if you'd like. I don't know if I can be of any help, but if I can, please feel free to keep posting. I agree with PADJ - no word is better than her cussing you a blue streak. She might be processing all of this. She might not want to hurt her parents (I cried for 3 month straight after I finally made contact with my bdad because of all the emotions that came to the surface - emotions I didn't even know I had in me - some of the strongest were from not wanting to hurt my dad). Don't give up hope. There is always hope. I've found that just sending notes from time-to-time (like on holidays) is ok - it's not too "in your face" but it still says that you care. Good luck and hang in there! :D Moonbeam

Going through these processes it helps to try to keep a sunny disposition. The emphasis in the last sentence falls on the word "try"...there are times when it can be very difficult to do so. I think at this point, absent anything to the contrary, you have to take her silence as a "non-negative" and I put it that way because I don't think it's a positive either. At some point in the past have you tried saying to her something to the effect of "there are some parts of the past that I wish I could change, but I can't do that. I would like to be able to speak with you (or see you, or get to know you or whatever your aim would be) going forward. Are you open to that?" I mean, it's a non-negative that she's being silent, but even looking at that through the rosiest colored glasses the silence doesn't really answer your question. My experience has been that it's easier for me to deal with decisive answers, even if that answer isn't the one I want to hear. It is an answer and a point to go from. The silence and the not really knowing drive me around the bend. Sometimes silence can be an answer, though. If you ask "are you open to that?" and you're reasonably certain that she heard the question, then that's probably an answer. All just my .02...

Railroader you touched my heart. Mine is a long story and available elsewhere in it's gut wrenching ( I tend to be wordy and bit off my rocker in parts ) entirety."The very thought of you" and old song comes to mind. I had hoped my birthfather kept me close to his heart despite the 40 odd years between my entrance into this crazy old world and our meeting.I was swept off my feet. He and my birthmother met conceived me and after a time married and brought forth my two brothers. Ours was a very good reunion until he fell ill. There were ups and downs emotional pitfalls and some difficult times but all in all it was worth it.Now we seem to be distanced by what I don't know. I have intruded once and the proverbial ball is in his court. My birthmother the gatekeeper and I did not have the immediate closeness.C'est la vie.Write the letter and keep it brief. Tell her you want to see her again and leave it at that. Apologize if you feel that the encounter may have been overwhelming way back then. Keep your heart open.Mine still is; despite the "stitches" from being tossed around and broken. There is always a chance.

[url=http://search.yahoo.com/r/_ylt=A0oG7paVTQ1RlQUAUSYXFwx.;_ylu=X3oDMTBybnZlZnRlBHNlYwNzcgRwb3MDMQRjb2xvA2FjMgR2dGlkAw--/SIG=120966r47/EXP=1359855125/**http%3a//www.youtube.com/watch%3fv=qaYLWSo4fYM]"The Very Thought of You" Nat King Cole - YouTube[/url] This one's for you and my Dad. In my dreams we dance to this all dressed up. In a perfect world all the fathers and daughters are dancing to this; despite all the years apart.