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Hi - I just posted this elsewhere on this site, but wouldlike the opinions of those of you who have had a child diagnosed with RAD. Thanks!
I have two children adopted internationally. My eldest, 11 yrs, though adopted as a young infant, has had a serious of health and emotional difficulties, which started when he was five and his sister came into his life, but really got bad when he was about 8. He does well academically, and has tested as gifted, but socially and emothionally he really is like a two year old. He is very self centered, and though initially makes a good impression, does not have healthy friendships, largely because other children lose interest in playing with someone who is so self absorbed. At home, he has violent and destructive temper tantrums, makes threats of violence and I fear the day that I cannot physically restrain him to protect myself or our youngest. One of those terrible mass shootings occured in our community and he has expressed both fear of being killed, as one of the victims was born just a few days after him, and also of attacking and killing others someday. He has been evaluated by a very good psychiatrist, and we are seeing a very good family counselor, which is really our only source of support. He has a lot of anxiety and is doing better with an antianxiety medication. Regarding a diagnosis, ODD, attachment disorder, and antisocial personality disorder have been mentioned, but he doesn't 'fit' the categories in any definitive way. Even though he is very self absorbed and low on empathy, I really don't think he has antisocial personallity disorder. I think it is an attachment disorder and fear of not having enough from when he was starved. He was low birth weight, no prenatal care, and did not gain weight his first six weeks of life, though now he is obsessed with food and is quite overweight. He definitely has issues with attachment - he is fearful that something may happen to my husband, his sister or to me, and he also rages against us for taking us away from his birth family and country. He lies a lot, he steals, and he just likes to go through other peoples belongings out of curiousioty, stating he can't help himself. This morning I spend 40 minutes looking for my car keys, which had been in my purse, butI found in his undewear drawer, and was late for work. Sometimes he will confess sincerely and want to make amends. Other times he lies in the face of ****ing evidence. My husband and I are so worried about him, and also the effect of his behaviour on our younger child. I just pray for strength and that we can help him develop empathy and learn better social behaviors. He does better with consequences that are immediate, but not necessarily draconian (temporary loss of privileges with electronic media), but also making amends - repairing or paying for replacment of his sister's toys that he has destroyed, etc. and spending time in with family rather than out with friends. He is obsessed with buying new things, but destroys most of what he gets. I am so worried about him. I love my two children so much, they are the most wonderful things that happened to me. Have any of you had these experiences? What did you do?
Thanks
Siobhan
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I will first say, do not allow anyone to diagnose him with a personality disorder. He is much too young, and any good professional knows that one cannot be diagnosed with personality disorders until the age of 18.
However, I am under the impression (as are other professionals that work with RAD kids), that untreated RAD can definitely turn into a personality disorder (antisocial and borderline seeming to be the most common).
My daughter will definitely be a Borderline if we don't correct her RAD. If you look through my previous posts, you will see that last year I parented a boy with characteristics similar to your son. He completely had NO conscience. In fact, would get giddy at the thought of hurting someone. We distrupted after he disclosed his plan to stab us to death in our sleep (and found the weapon). He also had extreme anxiety issues, but he never voiced remorse for anything he did.
The problem is, no one knows your kid better than you- if you take your kid to someone who specializes in RAD, or a RAD parent even, we may tell you- YES he has RAD! Because it's our world, and we can see the symptoms clearly. However, a specialist in Conduct Disorder, FAS, or PTSD may say he also has those. Stick to the main charateristics of the disorder.
Both our daughter, and her brother whom we disrupted, have RAD... with VERY different presentations: The boy: Charming, sweet, overly affectionate (to the point of sexually grooming adults) very violent when parents are NOT looking, stealing, refused to learn, smearing feces.
Our Daughter: Lies, cheats, steals- not as stealthy, caught easily. A lot of testing of boundaries, extreme tantrums, not charming, rigid when hugged, hiding feces.
Our daughter has also been misdiagnosed with ADHD, psychosis, conduct disorder, etc...
As a RAD parent, I would suggest this book to you: When Love is Not Enough, by Nancy Thomas, and Love and Logic, by Foster Cline.
Nancy Thomas is the leader in RAD parenting, and also has parented children of several other very difficult diagnoses. She teaches you how to gain control without stressing yourself out. We follow the book COMPLETELY. Some people don't want to make their kid do the strong sitting or put the door alarm on the kid's door, etc. If it works for them, fine. We slowing implemented these things and we will slowly take them away as our daughter gets stronger. But, it has been working GREAT. We're 6 months in, and our daughter can now be trusted in another room of the house without stealing, she has gone 7 weeks without a tantrum, she has earned back most of her belongings, and we RARELY have any attitude from her anymore. More importantly I enjoy spending time with her now, and I don't feel as drained.
What ever his diagnosis is, you can do this. You just have to find the right approach. I know how lost things can feel at this stage, and how alone, and maybe no one seems to understand this isn't a "normal kid". Sorry this is long... PM me is you wanna chat.
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Thank you so much Rue5LX. And I am so sorry to hear of your difficulties with your beloved children.
So for, at school, my son toes the line. His teachers find him 'normal for a 11 yo boy', and because he is very bright, he does reasonable well academically, and likes school. Other kids don't hate him, most seem to like him OK, but, he craves close friendships (of course where he has a lot of control too), and because he is so self centered, he does not have that 'one special best friend'. At home, it is a very different story, this is where all the bad behaviour comes out. We don't have anyone in our city who specializes in RAD, or even seems very knowledgeable. The first therapist was completely fooled by our son and thought that I was the problem - not trusting him enough. She believed him over me. Now we are in a much better position. We work with a psychiatrist who has put him on anxiety med., lexipro, which does seem to help, but who also does not feel comfortable in giving him a diagnosis. She thinks that attachment is definitely an issue. We go to a family therapist in the same practice, which has been a God-send because even though I don't agree with everything she says, both my husband and my son respect her, and she is really working with my son on accountability and what being part of a family is. The only worry I have is that lately she seems focused on antisocial personality disorder, as possibly being inherited from my son's birth parents. We know nothing about his birth parents, other than they were probably Cambodian refugees in Vietnam, and may have survived unspeakable horrors, or even participated in them and were most likely extremely poor, and even this of course is speculation. So I read a couple books about antisocial personality disorder, and I don't think my son is heading that way because he is very anxious, and ASPD are usually fearless. So, my son lies, manipulates, steals, and is low on empathy (but does have some), but even more so he is really attention seeking. From my experience with a couple family members with personality disorders, I think my son is heading that way, just not ASPD.
He is very greedy and wants everything to be about him, and I think that anxiety - fear of not having enough is what drives this. So, the medication is helping a bit, and the counseling is helping - probably mostly because it helps unify my husband and I. It does make sense to me that anxiety and attachment would be closely linked.
THANKS for LISTENING!
Siobhan