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Ok, I was trying to be a little funny by quoting Shakespeare's Juliet, but I really have a serious question. My husband and I are using an agency to adopt and we have a placement pending. We really like the birth mom that picked us. We have had many discussions about openess and other adoption related stuff, but in all our discussions we never discussed a name for the baby. When we arrived at the hospital after the baby was born we learned that he had already been named. We were always told we could name the baby ourselves and since names never came up in discussion we picked a name for him ourselves. Now recently, as we have been waiting for legal paperwork to be handled, we found out from the birth mom that she doesn't want his name changed. We were really surprised and after prayer and discussion we decided that if the name was that important to her, then we would make it a middle name. When the birth mom was told that we intended to use it as his middle name she said no, she wanted it to be his first name, the name we call him all the time and she doesn't want to compromise on that. Our caseworker at the agency is encouraging us to respect her wishes and to not change it because we will have an open adoption and it could be a major source of tension. We understand that the name is something that the birth mom can give to our baby so that he will always know she loved him enough to name him. However, we don't understand why using it as his middle name isn't good enough. Have other people had this issue and if so how did you resolve it. For the record, we don't like the name and have a family member we struggle with who also has the same name. I am new to the forums and I'm sorry if this question has already been asked. Or if I didn't make sense.
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becky
Since she has not yet given birth and has not yet placed her baby for adoption, I think she has the right to ask for anything she wants from a potential adoptive family. If she really wants her child to have a particular name, then she deserves to be matched with a family who will respect her wishes. If that isn't you, then you need to be honest with her and with the agency and tell them that you cannot use the name she wants. Then the decision is up to her whether it is important enough to her to change her mind about matching with you. Best of luck to you!!
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Wow.. I think she's being awfully controlling on something that she has no control over legally. I also think you offered a very fair compromise. Personally I offer my compromise once again... and if she refused, I would pass (and stay passed) on this situation, I can only imagine how this open adoption may look down the road.
TabbyKat818
Ok, I was trying to be a little funny by quoting Shakespeare's Juliet, but I really have a serious question. My husband and I are using an agency to adopt and we have a placement pending. We really like the birth mom that picked us. We have had many discussions about openess and other adoption related stuff, but in all our discussions we never discussed a name for the baby. When we arrived at the hospital after the baby was born we learned that he had already been named. We were always told we could name the baby ourselves and since names never came up in discussion we picked a name for him ourselves. Now recently, as we have been waiting for legal paperwork to be handled, we found out from the birth mom that she doesn't want his name changed. We were really surprised and after prayer and discussion we decided that if the name was that important to her, then we would make it a middle name. When the birth mom was told that we intended to use it as his middle name she said no, she wanted it to be his first name, the name we call him all the time and she doesn't want to compromise on that. Our caseworker at the agency is encouraging us to respect her wishes and to not change it because we will have an open adoption and it could be a major source of tension. We understand that the name is something that the birth mom can give to our baby so that he will always know she loved him enough to name him. However, we don't understand why using it as his middle name isn't good enough. Have other people had this issue and if so how did you resolve it. For the record, we don't like the name and have a family member we struggle with who also has the same name. I am new to the forums and I'm sorry if this question has already been asked. Or if I didn't make sense.
becky
Since she has not yet given birth and has not yet placed her baby for adoption, I think she has the right to ask for anything she wants from a potential adoptive family.If she really wants her child to have a particular name, then she deserves to be matched with a family who will respect her wishes. If that isn't you, then you need to be honest with her and with the agency and tell them that you cannot use the name she wants. Then the decision is up to her whether it is important enough to her to change her mind about matching with you.Best of luck to you!!
we have a placement pending. We really like the birth mom that picked us. We have had many discussions about openess and other adoption related stuff, but in all our discussions we never discussed a name for the baby. When we arrived at the hospital after the baby was born we learned that he had already been named
Hmmm I would definitely give this some very serious thought. While certainly the bmom may give the baby whatever name she likes and request that it be kept after TPR you have to be comfortable honoring the request. I do agree with Raven that the middle name thing would be a good compromise but naming the child wasn't something that was important to me (Note that we did get to name my DD at bmom request). I absolutely see that it is a very important bonding issue for most parents. If you decide to move forward I would make sure to search this site for things to consider in open adoptions so you can have some parameters so you don't have any other important issues you haven't discussed. Good Luck.
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Fe2002
Wow.. I think she's being awfully controlling on something that she has no control over legally.
Questioning, she has no legal control over the following.
TabbyKat818
Now recently, as we have been waiting for legal paperwork to be handled, we found out from the birth mom that she doesn't want his name changed. We were really surprised and after prayer and discussion we decided that if the name was that important to her, then we would make it a middle name. When the birth mom was told that we intended to use it as his middle name she said no, she wanted it to be his first name, the name we call him all the time and she doesn't want to compromise on that.
Of course she does... I don't see where I indicated otherwise.
Dickons
Fe - she absolutely has control over whether she signs the surrender papers naming them as the prospective parents. And if they agree to that then going back on it is wrong. As far as I know this is a voluntary surrender - not foster care. Kind regards, Dickons
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It's important that you like the name you call your child every single day, so if you truly don't like it, then I would just be clear with bmom that you don't like the name and will not be using it. Then it's up to her what she wants to do. If this is issue is something she is unwilling to compromise on, then I'm not sure it bodes well for your relationship down the road. She is of course allowed to name the child. You are allowed to change it and also name the child once yours. Every mother has the right to name their child.Maybe the agency didn't do a very good job of preparing her for the fact that people want to name their child and it might not be that easy to find a couple willing to use her name. And again, obviously she can do what she wants in terms of placing, but you also can do what you want in terms of naming. Just be honest about it is all, so that she can make her choice.
I never thought naming would be a deal breaker for me. We chose DD1's name with her first mom and we all liked it. Her first mom named her for the original birth certificate, and we changed middle name on amended, and she knew and liked the new middle name as well. So that went pretty smooth. I really struggled with our new kiddos. I loved that DD1 had a name from her first mom and us. And I always thought I'd do the same for all future kids. But this adoption was very different and we will not have an open adoption. So...we changed to the names to what we've had chosen for years. And it's the best decision we've ever made, for many reasons, for this situation. Perhaps a face to face yourself if the baby's first mom is willing might help. Perhaps a name you chose together will clear the air and help to start this open adoption relationship. This is a lifelong commitment and if naming is a deal breaker for you or her better to know now or it will be the elephant in the room for the rest of the relationship.
Can we get an update? Our son's bmom asked us to keep the name she gave him, but we hated it. We have a client's daughter by the same name and she's a brat! :arrow: So she agreed that since we hated the name, it wasn't as important to her. However, she always called him by his given name. Even had it tattooed on her neck. (She also had the name we gave him tattooed, so equal time :o ) Even her other kids called him that for awhile. Now, they all love the name he have and call him that. I didn't care, because we call him so many nicknames, what was one more?? We always agreed that "J" was her special bond with him and "Z" was ours.
Dickons
I agree...either accept her choice or walk away. No mother should be cajoled into accepting something she isn't happy with. And your agency never explained to you that it is perfectly normal for a mother to name her child? Did they explain that you get an amended birth certificate after the adoption? Kind regards, Dickons P.s. I only wish my mother had named me on my original birth certificate - or - someone who "thought they knew" better removed it and replaced it with Baby Girl seeing as I was a BFA.
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Well if she did she did not tell the person closest to her in the world who was there with her. No way to ever know now though. Thankfully she didn't have to deal with an agency or all that self-righteous crap of shame - also no fiction, there aren't even any files - just the court adoption records. Thanks Patsymae. Kind regards,Dickons
Can you change the middle name or is the whole name not changeable? In our case, the court didn't let us change our daughter's name. Our judge was pretty strict. We had to keep the first name, but we were allowed to change her middle name (and we did). We would have preferred to keep the middle name and change the first, but it apparently wasn't meant to be.