Advertisements
Advertisements
I have two children adopted internationally. My eldest, 11 yrs, though adopted as a young infant, has had a serious of health and emotional difficulties, which escalated when he was five and his sister came into his life, but really got bad when he was about 8. He does well academically, and has tested as gifted, but socially and emothionally he really is like a two year old. He is very self centered, and though initially makes a good impression, does not have healthy friendships, largely because other children lose interest in playing with someone who is so self absorbed. At home, he has violent and destructive temper tantrums, makes threats of violence and I fear the day that I cannot physically restrain him to protect myself or our youngest. One of those terrible mass shootings occured in our community and he has expressed both fear of being killed, as one of the victims was born just a few days after him, and also of attacking and killing others someday. He has been evaluated by a very good psychiatrist, and we are seeing a very good family counselor, which is really our only source of support. He has a lot of anxiety and is doing better with an antianxiety medication. Regarding a diagnosis, ODD, attachment disorder, and antisocial personality disorder have been mentioned, but he doesn't 'fit' the categories in any definitive way, and fortunately the professionals are more involved with helping him learn good strategies then pigeon holing him. Even though he is very self absorbed and low on empathy, I really don't think he has antisocial personallity disorder because he is so anxious. I think it is an attachment disorder and fear of not having enough from when he was starved. He was low birth weight, no prenatal care, and did not gain weight his first six weeks of life, though now he is obsessed with food and is quite overweight. He definitely has issues with attachment - he is fearful that something may happen to my husband, his sister or to me, and he also rages against us for taking us away from his birth family and country. He lies a lot, he steals, and he just likes to go through other peoples belongings out of curiousioty, stating he can't help himself. A few days ago I spend 40 minutes looking for my car keys, which had been in my purse, but I found in his undewear drawer, and was late for work. Sometimes he will confess sincerely and want to make amends. Other times he lies in the face of ****ing evidence. My husband and I are so worried about him, and also the effect of his behaviour on our younger child who suffers abuse from him. I just pray for strength and that we can help him develop empathy and learn better social behaviors. He does better with consequences that are immediate, but not necessarily draconian (temporary loss of privileges with electronic media), but also making amends - repairing or paying for replacment of his sister's toys that he has destroyed, etc. and spending time in with family rather than out with friends. He is obsessed with buying new things, but destroys most of what he gets. I am so worried about him. I love my two children so much, they are the most wonderful things that happened to me. Have any of you had these experiences as a child? What helped your? What did not help?
Thanks
Siobhan
Like
Share
Siobhan - first off HUGS. You are going through a really tough situation that while it may ebb and flow may also continue through the early teenage years. Remember that both you and your husband need to take care of yourself first (the oxygen mask analogy during a plane wreck - you can't help your children if you can't breathe and stay alive). It is entirely okay to think about your mental health, give yourself breaks - whether that is a day at the spa, night or weekend out with the girls, taking turns being the bad guy parent - whatever works for the two of you. Maintain who you are first to be the parent you want to be.
I have no degree behind my name and only MY experiences which may not be what is right for you and your situation.
Siobhan9
I have two children adopted internationally. My eldest, 11 yrs, though adopted as a young infant, has had a serious of health and emotional difficulties, which escalated when he was five and his sister came into his life, but really got bad when he was about 8. He does well academically, and has tested as gifted, but socially and emothionally he really is like a two year old. He is very self centered, and though initially makes a good impression, does not have healthy friendships, largely because other children lose interest in playing with someone who is so self absorbed.
My experience is that some gifted do have a problem connecting with others - they see things differently and have problems trying to connect - his weight could also be causing either him not wanting to put himself out there and the kids may also be making comments (see later on in the post).
As to empathy - have you tried any animal volunteering or animal therapy? I have heard wonderful things about even just spending time with or learning to care for horses in a theraputic setting, or perhaps you volunteering to walk dogs at the local shelter and he goes with you? You could perhaps show him how to have empathy by your actions in being gentle walking the dog and talking to the dog, how it makes the dog more relaxed and happy to have a new friend that cares? Animals have amazing healing powers - and if you have any safety concerns in getting an animal - either option would be a secure way to expose him to their healing souls.
Siobhan9
At home, he has violent and destructive temper tantrums, makes threats of violence and I fear the day that I cannot physically restrain him to protect myself or our youngest. One of those terrible mass shootings occured in our community and he has expressed both fear of being killed, as one of the victims was born just a few days after him, and also of attacking and killing others someday. He has been evaluated by a very good psychiatrist, and we are seeing a very good family counselor, which is really our only source of support.
I hope you have talked to his doctors about your concerns, and not tried to downplay them. Your youngest will also be impacted by it. This is really something that professionals need to work closely on and follow their advice no matter how much it rips your heart out regarding it - seek a second opinion if you are unsure.
Siobhan9
He has a lot of anxiety and is doing better with an antianxiety medication. Regarding a diagnosis, ODD, attachment disorder, and antisocial personality disorder have been mentioned, but he doesn't 'fit' the categories in any definitive way, and fortunately the professionals are more involved with helping him learn good strategies then pigeon holing him. Even though he is very self absorbed and low on empathy, I really don't think he has antisocial personallity disorder because he is so anxious. I think it is an attachment disorder and fear of not having enough from when he was starved. He was low birth weight, no prenatal care, and did not gain weight his first six weeks of life, though now he is obsessed with food and is quite overweight.
I know this is going to sound off the wall but bear with me. Get him into a yoga class a couple of times a week. He is around people (probably adults) but in not competing - let him be at the back of the room. The atmosphere is calm, the words are spoken gently. The stretching releases feel good hormones. The endurance aspect of holding the poses improves his overall condition. You learn breathing excerises which are the KEY for me when I get anxious - because it slows the heart beat and stops the fight or flight adrenaline and cortisol hormones from pumping through the system.
MY theory only (but science is starting to back it up) - both prenatal and post natal when a baby is under stress (either through the mother or because they don't have the mother after birth) is when we are wired. Stress seems to be one of the repeating themes with most of the adoptees I have come in contact with - present as long as they can remember. How well we deal with it is based on whether we have learned to avoid the triggers or found solutions - for me deep slow breathing excerises is the best method for stopping it at the time. Yoga and my cardiac rehab class both focused on it as a stress reduction technique - the latter class recommended that we lay down and close our eyes several times a day for a couple of minutes and solely focus on deep breathing and relaxing the body and letting the blood flow to all areas - you would be amazed at how refreshed and relaxed you feel after a just 3 or 4 minutes but you have to be careful getting up to quick - good for you to do as well.
Siobhan9
He definitely has issues with attachment - he is fearful that something may happen to my husband, his sister or to me, and he also rages against us for taking us away from his birth family and country. He lies a lot, he steals, and he just likes to go through other peoples belongings out of curiousioty, stating he can't help himself. A few days ago I spend 40 minutes looking for my car keys, which had been in my purse, but I found in his undewear drawer, and was late for work. Sometimes he will confess sincerely and want to make amends. Other times he lies in the face of ****ing evidence. My husband and I are so worried about him, and also the effect of his behaviour on our younger child who suffers abuse from him. I just pray for strength and that we can help him develop empathy and learn better social behaviors.
Some professionals don't understand adoption. Never trained on it and try to treat the action rather than delving into the reasons. The reasons - what does stealing and lying have to do with adoption - a lot to the cognitive mind of a child - you lumped the two together in your words as well - rages about being taken away from his birth country and lies and steals. The doctors/professionals need to deal with the underlying reason - being adopted - this is just my opinion but kids brains aren't mature - I was taken away - i.e. I was stolen so stealing is fine - my birth parents must have been lied to (the other alternative is too hard to accept)- so lying is fine. A professional should be able to work with him to understand why people may not have any choices in raising their child, why there are other people willing to step in. And how to make peace with it and still know it will hurt and that being sad about it is just fine too.
Siobhan9
He does better with consequences that are immediate, but not necessarily draconian (temporary loss of privileges with electronic media), but also making amends - repairing or paying for replacment of his sister's toys that he has destroyed, etc. and spending time in with family rather than out with friends. He is obsessed with buying new things, but destroys most of what he gets. I am so worried about him. I love my two children so much, they are the most wonderful things that happened to me. Have any of you had these experiences as a child? What helped your? What did not help?
Thanks
Siobhan
You can tell you love your kids deeply and consequences I think need to be based on what works for you like you have stated cause and effect - you break you have to fix. I was grounded when I acted out but that worked for me because I had friends I wanted to play with.
As to wanting new things - you could try what dad did. We didn't get new things bought for us - if we "wanted" something we had to contribute - I grew and "needed" a bigger bike and "wanted" a ten speed (dating myself they had just been created) and dad only bought quality but didn't see the need for more than a three speed, but was open to making a deal. The low quality ten speed I "wanted" cost the same as a better quality five speed - the deal was I had to either pay for the ten speed or pay half the five speed (difference in cost for a three speed)...I got a five speed. We didn't get much of an allowance, but we could earn money for assigned chores outside of being part of a family chores - they always had a list of earnable chores. I also picked strawberries in the summer and that money is what I used to buy things I "wanted" that weren't "needed".
Hopefully I helped a bit - please also know you can always PM me to ask me questions or just talk - I don't like to get too in-depth on my personal experiences on the open forum.
Take care,
Dickons
Like
Share
Advertisements