Birth Mother says "do not contact your siblings."

I am a "birthmother" and will give you my advice. Your birthmother is elderly and this will be very difficult for her. Regardless, you should not have to wait until she dies to contact your birth siblings. I suggest you contact her again and let her know you will be contacting them, and give her the opportunity to tell them first. Give her a time frame such as "I will be contacting them in one month" or whatever you feel comfortable with. Then do it. I would also word it to her gently, and reassure her that you have no hard feelings towards her as this may help her see this event in a non-threatening type of way. Her life as she has known it and her relationships with her children is about to change. She will most likely fear it will change in a negative way as she is "ashamed" and may fear her children will view her differently. This is extremely hard for a woman in her 80's to deal with, but that does not change the fact that your birth siblings may want to know you, and also deserve that chance. Good luck!

This is the bottom line in an issue like this for me, too. My n-father tried to prohibit my contact with other n-family members at one point... this was after I had already had contact with his mother, who was very sweet and did want to know me, so my honoring his request hurt her during that period of time, too. Eventually I contacted her again, and my half-sibling, also. I'm glad I did.

Thanks! That's a great idea! I think one of my sisters handles my mother's affairs at the retirement community. Perhaps if I word the letter correctly, it could be read by either party...

I waited for 10 years for my mother to tell her son I existed. She told her daughter but couldn't tell her son. She asked me to and I promised her I wouldn't tell him for a long time. I asked her to tell him for a long time. I told her I would tell him at her funeral... and that it wouldn't be fair to him at all. Eventually I quit asking. My mother and I have a good long distance relationship, we talk often, we talk often about my brother and his family. I know all about him. It just didn't seem right to me. I followed in my mothers footsteps, I took her lead. I sent my brother a card and letter with pictures for his 49th birthday explaining everything. I asked him not to tell her, he understood and was glad I contacted him. We've hit it off in a big way. I do wonder how long it will take for either of them to crack :)

I have recently located my birth mother and 2 sisters. My Birth Mother does not want to have anything to do with me and does not want me to contact my sisters. I have contacted my sisters father (not my father), and at first, he was excited about the possibility of me contacting the girls, but has since gone silent. I have written a letter to my sisters but am still wondering if that is the best thing to do? They were 9 and 2 when I was born, and have no idea I even exist...I don't want to ruin a family, but I think it's only right for them to know they have another sister. They are grown now -- 29 an 36.. I would think they could handle the truth... right?

yes they can handle the truth.we, as adoptees, try hard to please everyone EXCEPT OURSELVES during reunion. If you have just begun reunion, then give your bmom/bdad some time to adjust. But if it's been over a year, then my goodness, it isn't their life.After 10 years of attempting contact with my bmom, I made the decision to contact her sister/my aunt on facebook. I realized no matter what I did, bmom would never accept me. (attempted contact 3 times in 10 year period) So i could attempt to "please" her and never try contact again, or be my own person and contact my aunt.

This may be true for you, but it isn't true for all adoptees in reunion. I reunited with my son over 23 years ago, moving back to my hometown in order to establish a strong relationship with him. He never tried to please anybody in his family of origin, much less me. I've known natural moms who've subjected themselves to atrocious behavior from their now-grown kids, believing that they deserve to be treated like crap and are willing to take whatever crumbs are thrown their way.

well said Raven!!!

I am searching.I just discovered who she is.There was alot of bad things that happened.Im really overwhelmed.My mom waited a long time to give me details of my bio mom and dad...I just dont want to find her and then be rejected.I just want closure and perhaps to let her know I dont blame her at all.

I agree with those who have said that you don't have to wait until some far-off time to reach out to your birth siblings. It's important to show respect for the birth mother's feelings - she may not know how to talk about the adoption after being silent for so long. But it's also important to do what's right for yourself - as well as your siblings.I think it's kind to give your birth mother a chance to speak with them first. Once she's had some time, you can explain that you won't be waiting any longer - that you and your siblings deserve a chance to know each other while you still have time. As long as everyone involved is an adult, it's reasonable to reach out to whoever you're looking to find.Ashley1980, searching can definitely be overwhelming. There are so many emotions tangled up in the search. And unfortunately, you cannot predict whether the person you've found will be open and welcoming or will reject you. The only way to find out is to try... I hope that you are met with kindness and compassion when you reach out to your birth mother.

Thank you.