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How do I do this long term? My little one is a med fragile kiddo due to parent's drug use and lack of medical care. We live in a state without OA but I told the BF that I would do emails with them and I am good with that but as time passes (1 year in our home after 16 months in care since birth in another home) they want more and more from us. I have such mixed feelings about them. They did this damage to her that will cause her to have a shorter life span and she has had multiple operations that put her in a lot of pain so that makes me angry at them BUT they did give birth to her and as they told me they were going to just abort her but changed their minds. So I am thankful they had her, thankful they did not fight TPR, and they answer questions if I ask them family medical stuff. They do not acknowledge any of her medical issues they think the operations fixed everything even after I explain to them the repairs are just a hold over until she is old enough for transplants.
They want weekly emails, "studio" pictures, emailed pictures, and now visits. They want me to thank them all the time by saying "aren't you glad we had her? You should appreciate us for that and give us the pictures we want" I do not give pictures since the adoption went final as they kept showing up on BD face book pages right along with his porn site stuff and his page is not blocked in anyway and I do not want my daughter's pictures being looked at my people that go on those sites!!!!
How do I set boundaries with them. I thought it would be easier as time passes but I feel like I do owe them because I have this amazing little one that is my heart and they are missing out. I hope this makes sense.
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That would be a rough situation, but you have to remember that its not an open adoption and you are not required to do anything. If you are not comfortable with it then don't send them pictures. Just give them updates and information. You could send a picture at Christmas maybe, but this is important: you don't owe them anything.Keep in mind that they were the ones who got themselves into the situation where they had a baby, and their drug use has caused problems. You are providing their baby with a home and a family and love and all the care she needs. You are even giving them information and updates even though its not an open adoption.If I were in that situation I would not be sending pictures.
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Let them know that while you appreciate the fact that they had the baby, you are now focused on taking care of that baby. You have the responsibility now to do what is best for the child. I don't see how them posting the babies pictures on a porn site or any public site are at all what is best for the child. Put boundaries in place now for your sake and for the babies sake. If you give in a little they will keep bullying you. Think about what you are comfortable with (quarterly updates, twice a year...or whatever) and let them know that is what you are comfortable with and stick to it. I would not do visits unless you are really comfortable with these bios and it sounds like you are not. They are missing out because of THEIR ACTIONS not yours!
mcbmom
They want weekly emails, "studio" pictures, emailed pictures, and now visits. They want me to thank them all the time by saying "aren't you glad we had her? You should appreciate us for that and give us the pictures we want"
My approach to situations like this is:
1) Let the family know that 'this is what we are comfortable doing AT THIS TIME. We will send an update twice a year, as long as you keep an updated mailing address sent to our PO Box. I then get a PO Box in a neighboring town that is used specifically for this purpose. They can send letters, etc to the child using his/her FIRST NAME ONLY." Yes, this can done.
2) Make it very clear to them that IF, AND ONLY IF they follow the guidelines set up by you, that at some point in the future (could be a few years, or never if they don't follow them) you MIGHT be open to increasing the number of updates given.
3) Let them know, in no uncertain terms, that you will no longer respond to emails or public site communications. Then stick to it.
Yes, they will get their knickers in a twist, but this is the result of their actions. It is not your responsibility to cater to them, now or in the future.
If they send threatening emails in response, print them and take them to the police to see if you could get a restraining order if need be.
The only way to set boudnaries is to be firm and clear and then not be swayedYou don't owe them anything in the way of contact. So they SAY they considered abortion...were you involved back then? No. Did they decide against abortion for your benefit? No. So they abolsutely cannot say 'you should do this for us because we didn't abort'. That's completely ridiculous. They gave birth to her because they wanted to, end of. I would just cut email contact and go to anonymous letters by way of PO box, if anything. No pictures, because they will end up on facebook. That was their decision, not yours. Just tell them that because of their actions, you won't be sending any more. You can send them one or two update letters a year, and you can check your PO box twice a year for letters.
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Thank you all! I know this in my heart but it is still hard for me for some reason.
I type up an email to them spelling out rules--no more pictures if I see one or hear of one being posted online. No visits at this time but if they clean up their lives we can revisit it in the future. 1 email from me a 3 times a year but they will stop if they can't be respectful of our place in little one's life-we are her parents now and forever. No using her to prey on my emotions to get more contact from us.
They do not know our last name, where we live, or little one's new full name. We kept her first but changed the rest.
Thanks for the pep talk and advice!