Concerns about 5 year old, home from China 4 months

March 5, 2013

How do we teach a 5 year old child with significant cognitive and speech/language delays about private areas and how it is not appropriate to touch your own parts (except in private) or to try to touch other people's private parts?

First, some back ground info- we started trying to adopt domestically but then switched to China in 2012. First inquired on our son D's file when he was 3, he turned 4 when we started paperwork, and turned 5 after being home with us a few months. We've been home since November 2012.

He has been tested by the school district, they evaluated using the BDI-2, and he has significant delays in these areas- adaptive (1st percentile compared to peers), motor (1st percentile), cognitive (0.1 percentile), and he has mild delays in the personal/social domain (6th percentile). He also has significant delays in speech/language (1st percentile for a child his age) based on both his Mandarin and English. They had a Mandarin translator out for the evaluation. His special need is cleft lip/palate- repaired, and some jaw issues that need to be repaired still.

He has behavioral challenges too, issues with boundaries, impulse control, knowing what is appropriate and inappropriate, etc.

(We aren't shocked by the delays, we knew to expect it. I would say cognitively, he reminds me of a 2-3 year old. Our son has an IEP, goes to special Ed preschool where he gets OT and speech, and we also see a therapist to try to help with attachment and behavior issues.)

Now for my major concerns:

In China, last October, there was one time where D tried to touch my private areas twice, and I firmly told him NO, he smiled, but it never happened again, UNTIL this weekend.

The kids were playing a tickle game where they chase each other and tickle. I was in the kitchen making dinner, but I heard my 7 year old daughter say "no D!" a couple times. I didn't think much of it, they are always bickering.

A few minutes later I could see them playing, and D was getting ready to try to tickle my 3 year old. My 7 year old daughter said firmly "NO D, you're too rough and inappropriate!" That definitely caught our attention, so we sat her down and asked her what she meant.

She was hesitant to tell us at first, but then she said that when D tickled her, he went straight to trying to tickle her "front and back bottom areas". She told him NO, and he laughed and tried again. :(

Another time this weekend, D was mad at my 3 year old, so he yelled at her and at the same time was grabbing his own private area with both hands.

I guess one other thing is that he has occasionally tried to touch the front of my husbands pants, around the zipper area. Also, I have found him a few times with his hands in his pants at nap time.

This all makes me feel very uneasy. I get the impression that this is just another example of how he has no boundaries, he doesn't know it is not OK to do that. To be completely honest, I am already having a hard time liking/loving this child, and now this happens, and I feel like I want to give up.

I'm very frustrated, I don't want my girls to have to worry about this happening. I was sexually abused as a child, so I am very protective of my girls...I know this isn't the same thing as what happened to me, but it hits a nerve for sure.

:( I already emailed our therapist, she wrote back to say she could see us and give us book recommendations after she gets back from vacation 3/11.

I had a talk with my girls about making sure they tell us if anything happens or concerns them. We bathe them separately, and the girls have a bedroom separate from D.

A bit more info- he makes fairly good eye contact except when he is mad, and he seems to enjoy being held & cuddled by us, again except when he is mad. He is occasionally defiant, more so towards me (his mom) rather than his dad.

Editing to add some info I forgot: He was abandoned at birth and spent his first 4.5 years in the same orphanage. He is our middle child by age, but physically the largest and strongest- he outweighs our oldest by about 5 lbs. By cognitive skills, he feels more like the youngest at times. We chose him, he was advocated for by a charitable agency. By their description, he sounded very bright, kind, gentle, and caring.

Any thoughts/advice from people who have BTDT? Thanks in advance.

jeffw

March 5, 2013

MelissaLovesPugs

To be completely honest, I am already having a hard time liking/loving this child, and now this happens, and I feel like I want to give up.

Would it help to know that he probably didn't come up with this on his own? He is probably also a victim. That is normally where this sort of lack of boundaries comes from. Obviously you need to keep your guard up. Teach your other kids to blow the whistle on him. But also try to see him as hurt rather than malicious.

We've got an adopted 3 year old who has been abused and has similar tendencies. She also had speech delays and as those cleared up over the past 8 months or so she's actually been able to fill in the blanks as to where the issues came from. I don't know how a kid so young can remember so much. We're working hard to teach her what is okay and what is not because she really has had no idea until now.

You know how he can't look you in the eye when he is mad? That's because he is stressed and can't handle the stress of an emotional connection. He is probably in a fight or flight mode and is not in a state where he can learn. The same is probably true any time he gets in trouble. So in addition to whatever you tell him when you catch him, you also need to teach him at other time when he is more teachable. Try to frequently have a friendly chat with him about what is okay when he is calm before he starts playing with the other kids.