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Hi everyone...I've been reading this thread for days. I happened upon it when I did a search for "birth mother support" and it has really helped to read the different experiences you have all had. It leads me to more questions for my own OA, though, and I don't know...what to do next, I guess.
A little background, I'm 30 and I have a ten year old daughter and a six year old son. I was in an abusive relationship which resulted in a pregnancy. He is married and I did not want to bring a baby into that situation. I had her nine days ago and placed her with a WONDERFUL family who I have the utmost trust in. The timing was uncanny and the chain of events leading up to us meeting was a miracle in itself...but that's another story.
Anyway, the first few days I was still floating on this euphoric bubble of joy. I was so happy to see how happy they were, and to see what a good job they were doing, and how much everyone loved her. I was reassured that I had been a part of a beautiful thing. Whenever we discussed how open the adoption would be while I was pregnant, we could never make any decisions -- they would say, "We are open to whatever makes you comfortable" and I would say, "I am open to whatever you are comfortable with". LOL...people pleasers, all of us.
The bottom line is that we all have her best interests at heart, and we all put aside what WE want to defer to what SHE needs. As she is an infant, though, I'm kind of at a loss as to how much contact is necessary, how much is too little, when is too soon, how often is too frequent...? I know that they said they were open to whatever I wanted, but I don't want to intrude for one. And for another, I want to be sure that whatever I do is psychologically good for S.
When we left the hospital, they told me if I ever wanted a visit, to let them know. Originally I said I wanted to wait until she was older and if SHE wanted a visit, then I would, but I didn't want to force it on her. Then I said if it was in her best interest, we could do a visit. The problem is, how do I know what's in her best interest? I always thought that to stay out of the way and let them be her parents and not confuse her by being too involved was the right way to handle things. But I have been doing a lot of reading lately and I'm starting to think that might not actually be a smart idea.
Right now, though, I'm hurting a lot. Way too much to be able to handle seeing her -- I burst into tears at the most random times of day, I'm a mess. I have no regrets but this is much harder than I expected, and I don't want them to see me like this. I don't want to make it worse either.
Sorry, I typed a lot...I guess I'm just asking for advice. I don't know what to do, or how to proceed because everything was left so up in the air! Thanks for reading this. :)
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I hope you don't mind me answering being that I am an adoptive parent and not even from the domestic adoption world (I adopted 2 boys that I fostered).
As an adoptive parent what I want most for my boys is for things to be "normal". For our family that means that we talk about adoption before the kids can even talk. I never want my adopted children to think that there is something "wrong" with how they came to be a part of us, so we talk about "being adopted" just as we talk about "being born". With that I want them to know that there is nothing wrong with having lots of people that love you, and for my boys that means they have extra mommies and daddies. For their relationship with those people to be "normal" that means they need to see them on the same basis that they see other "normal" people in their lives. The reality is that for my older son he has lots of "safe" bio familiy that he can visit and recently his biodad has cleaned up enough that he is safe to visit supervised as well. T has seen his paternal biograndparents at least 5-6 x a year since he came to live with us and more frequently if we can coordinate schedules. My younger son is not as lucky, he doesn't really have any safe family we can visit, but I do show him a picture that I have of his parents (I am not sure where they have gone, they went under the radar last year and I haven't been able to locate them since).
If I was this child's parent I would want whatever was going to happen as far as contact to be established now when she is young so that she grows up with that contact being "normal". I am sure the first visit will be awkward and probably heart-breaking in many ways, and I can't begin to understand how difficult that will be but I hope that it would ease the future relationship for you and your daughter. For my kids it would be so much harder to try and establish a relationship when they are older and so much more awkward.
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Hi there--I am going through something similar. How you worded it, we are all "people pleasers" as well. My situation is a little different, because our adoption is relative and my sister and her wife adopted my baby. I am here visiting them now (they live in Canada, I live in Minnesota). I feel like I want to spend time with the baby, but I feel like every time I do they miss her and don't want me to be holding her. So I give her back. My mom is here too which isn't helping, because she is constantly wanting to spend time with the baby. I don't want to step on anyone's toes and take up all of the time with the baby, but I also am annoyed that my mother realizes I only have 5 days to bond with her and then I have no idea when I'll ever be able to see her again, and she is taking up a lot of that time. The baby doesn't even seem to remember who I am or anything. I feel like maybe trying to bond with her now is a waste of time because she will probably never remember it, but part of me feels like when she gets older she might feel better knowing I came out to visit her, have pictures of the visit, and will know that I cared about her. I never know what the right thing to do is... so when you figure it out, please share. However, like what "mommy2fiveplus" said, I think there is something to be said about speaking positively about adoption from the beginning, bonding with your baby and making sure you take pictures of it to show her when she is older so that she knows you cared about her, and letting her know she has another parent who loves her will only benefit her and help her better understand/answer complicated questions she might have about you in her later years. Maybe visit her at big mile stones- like 3 months when she starts to laugh and smile, 6 months when she can start to crawl, her first birthday, etc. Often enough, but not so much that the family feels like you're being annoying or clingy or something. I think they would be more than understanding that you'd like to be there for her big moments, and also show her that she is definitely loved by her bio mom. I don't think there is any such thing as a child being "too" loved or having too many people who love them. It can only be beneficial.I know I chose a good family. My sister and her wife take excellent care of her, they have universal health care here for her, so there's that. They live in a kid friendly neighborhood/city and someday she will have a decent amount of money for college because the government matches what they put in up to a certain generous dollar amount. But it does still hurt. I still miss the baby and still often have regrets about my decision, even though in the long run I probably made a good choice for her. Like you, I still randomly will cry about the situation (even though for me it has been about 3 1/2 months now). Hang in there, and I'm here for you if you ever need support. Feel free to private message me any time. I am an open book.