Child of rape?

She told slightly different stories to me and then to her family. Her timeline is off by a few months and there were pix and stories of her very happy about having a baby, but to a couple of relatives, said the baby died. She told no one about me until I found her and took a week to get back to my original phone call after first telling me that she wasn't my mom but she could be like a mom to me if i needed that. She also said my father was dead but didn't know his name and clammed up when I asked how she knew. I always heard she got pregnant while cheating on her husband and it seems as if she said it was rape to maintain her 'image', I guess. Like I said it's a mess, for sure and I'm just trying to clean out that closet...so to speak.

Oh and questions like do we have kids, when I talk about my mom, etc. I want to be open and honest but it's complicated and find that most people just can't understand. Not that I'm all that into what others think, but I am still sensitive about some of that stuff, ya know?

I feel a bit awkward about what I'm going to say, mainly because I worked in rape crisis for years. That being said, I often take birth mothers' claims of rape with a grain of salt...unless it was a stranger. I've met too many of them over the years who have changed their stories to the current one of "date rape" or statutory rape.Technically and legally, I could easily claim that my son was the product of rape. After all, my mom filed charges against my 20-year-old boyfriend on the grounds of statutory rape after I told her I was pregnant. I was 16 at the time I conceived our baby, and that was not the legal age of consent at the time in my state. My son's father did NOT rape me. I freely consented to sexual relations with him -- I wasn't a victim, I was a teenager head over heels in love.I've just seen way too many cases in the past year or two of women suddenly claiming they were raped by their boyfriends. It leaves a very bad taste in my mouth...and cheapens the word "rape" for true rape survivors. Just my own two cents.

Yeah, I agree. My mom said several times and in writing in my non-id "It wasn't my fault"I'm glad she never used the r word. Especially since she was on a double date with her best friend and my dad's brother, parking and drinking.I asked her straight up and all she would say is "It wasn't my fault". I get it, btdt, just lucky I could get the pill then.My dad's wife cornered him, angry and asking if he had forced her (like he would say if he did:rolleyes: )... said she would leave him if he did. (I love her!)edited to add: Oh, and she wrote in my non-id that they loved each other and they dated several times. Of course dad, fearing the wrath of his jealous wife said he only went out with her once LOL

I think many just aren't able to say that freely, free without sin, shame and guilt, especially when busted by getting pregnant. Sex is natural, like eating food, it's what the body needs, get over it

You know, as a women's advocate, I'm very dismayed by some of what I'm reading here. Rape is a very under-reported crime in part precisely because of stuff like what's being said here. Many victims fear they will be accused of lying and/or immediately be subjected to having their behavior scrutinized for clues that they "really wanted it" or even "asked for it." So women like guys and go out drinking with them. The next question is often about what they were wearing. I am ashamed now to say that I fell into this trap myself for a while after my own n-mother told me her story 20 years ago. I ended up thinking something very much along these lines:And then I got in touch with my n-father (and learned some things firsthand)... and eventually his ex-wife (who is not my n-mother), and heard her experience. His mother also confirmed that he and my n-mother only went out on a date the one time... which makes sense. I have no doubt now that my n-mother was not lying. There is a reason why, statistically, so many rapes are committed by people women know. Many of them are date rapes. Just because a woman likes a man doesn't make the intercourse less forced if he doesn't listen when she says "no."After the stuff I have seen and heard, I have to question anything listed in info from adoption agencies. The info the agency gave to me had other stuff in it that my n-mother told me wasn't true... stuff that was twisted by agency workers, perhaps out of wanting to paint a "nice" picture. If it's in the n-mother's own handwriting, OK, but seriously, I'd check.Look... I really understand the pain of thinking of oneself as being conceived that way. I think in our pain, it's natural to question the story, but doing that can also be really salting a wound when our n-mothers are telling the truth. Chances are good they have already been not believed by other people. Perplexed, WRT your n-mom's other behavior... so many women who relinquish were told -- by doctors, agency workers, family, etc. -- to "pretend it never happened" so that they can "move on and live a normal life." She may have been living in "that world" from the time she relinquished you until you found her. Also, women who are pegged as being the equivalent of "bad" mothers are absolutely dragged through the mud in this society -- and some people think relinquishment means just that. If someone fears being labeled that way, it's much safer for them to do what they are told, keep quiet and/or craft a lie to hide what really happened. It does not surprise me at all that she would be hesitant about shattering the illusion she had been supporting for so long... an illusion which many people probably confirmed was protecting her.

Thanks all for the replies. And Sitta, you are right. Many women find themselves in a predicament of people not believing them. If any other woman were to tell me they were in a similar situation, I wouldn't question them. I'm not sure why I can't seem to believe my own mother. I don't feel there is ever an excuse for rape...she was asking for it, the way she dressed, etc. No means NO! End of story! I just wished she would have been more open to discuss with me. I know it would have been very hard, but I'm her daughter, it's my life and I deserve to know the truth regardless if it is good, bad or ugly.

Hi Perplexed,In your case, you've got some things that suggest otherwise. She also lied to you when you first called her, which understandably affects your trust.This info deals with your conception and as such it's "closer to home" than if someone unrelated to you were to tell you the same thing. It also affects how you think of your n-father, whether you are ever able to find him or not. Like I said, I can understand how she would have felt pressured to lie about what happened to people who had seen her pregnant. Doesn't make it "right," but it was very, very common. My n-mother was heavily pressured to uphold the lie her parents concocted to her brothers, sisters, and other friends and family members until I found her. Lots of women experienced the same.Her timeline being off, or other people having info about her possibly cheating on her husband, I don't know. I wonder if there's a way for you to ask those people why they thought that. (Questioning like that is tricky because it's possible they may be jumping to conclusions, themselves, like the adoption worker did when she recorded certain things in my adoption file. But maybe not.)I can't tell you what to believe. I can tell you that there are other adoptees who have had to negotiate some really difficult situations where it's hard to know which story to believe, and/or where the info given is difficult to face. Both can send your emotions spinning. It stinks to have to sit in an informational limbo waiting for some kind of confirmation of one thing or another... especially since you were probably waiting in limbo for years just to find out who your mother was, and now that you've found her, her words have thrown you for another loop. Reunion is supposed to answer questions, not make more of them. I completely agree with you. If she had been honest from the get-go then that would have helped a lot. I hope that you are able to find something out that settles things.

I hear ya Sitta, and that's why it upsets me, like Raven, when women claim rape, or date rape, when it wasn't. When all along they are just ashamed of their own natural behavior - after someone finds out. I've been attacked, robbed, raped and left for dead more than once. I've had men try to force the situation on a date too many times. I've regretted doing it after, when I was all up for doing it at first. I've put myself in plain stupid naive situations, it's not always safe out there, no matter what we want or expect it to be like, no matter what we think is right. I've done it freely, unmarried and married, and enjoyed every second of it. And I've done it with my husbands, for them, when I really didn't want to so much LOL I like sex. My mother (mothers) can't say that outloud. I feel bad for her for that. Times have changed, attitudes, birth control, STD's. I feel so lucky to have been in my young sexual years during the 70's, it wasn't like that in the early 60's, and it's not like that anymore. (depends on where you are too!) The sexual hangups were there for my mother in the 60's, for my Mom about me in the late 70's, not so much for me. I was at war with the old attitudes. I think these attitudes stick with us to some degree, no matter how the times change. I accepted, expected that my daughter might want to have unmarried sex, I didn't **** her to hell for it in the 00's, or call her names, or feel shame for her. I helped her with birth control, gave her advice about how not to be stupid about it, how to enjoy it, feel good about it, hugged her during those regretful times that most women find, we talked freely about it. Thankful that she has had a healthy sex life and attitude about it, finally one of us! Two young men close to us have been accused of rape lately. They were put thru the ringer, one lost his scholarships, it was his first sexual experience. The woman is always to be believed, right? Then we find out that the girl had claimed the same before after being caught by her dad posting her fake sex drama on facebook, in another state, now her parents moved again. I think the judge is tired of it too, the second young man was not punished after the judge talked privately with the young woman (different girl), she was afraid of what her father would say and think about her, she fessed up that he did not force her in any way, she was ashamed when others found out, thanks to facebook. In both cases the fathers were the ones pushing rape charges, all the girls had to do was type they were taken advantage of. In these cases both were basically saying, I didn't want to, when they should have been saying, I wish I hadn't. Or even, I wish I hadn't gotten caught!

I agree with questioning what you find in records. As well as with what people say. Sometimes we really just won't ever be able to know what the heck really happened. I believe my mother too. But I now know she wants to say things different and just can't. I do think that it has helped her some by me saying I don 't care if she had sex, I don't think badly of her. I don't believe my father about just seeing her once, he's just trying to save face in front of me and his wife. He's chicken. That's ok too, I get it. My aunt and uncle have told me they dated several times, always on a double date with them, with them being in the front seat. Both said they were in love, both saying they would have known if she said no, or was forced, but truthfully didn't know, and didn't want to know! exactly what was going on in the back seat. My mother did hide everything, from everyone, it's been a painful shameful secret for her. I wish I could fix that for her. I asked her straight out to tell me what happened on her dates LOL she said no way! never! Wouldn't even tell me what kind of car it was LOL It might not have been right for me to ask, or expect an answer anyway, not sure about that. My kids asked about their "moment", and I tell them freely, they like hearing the answer, think of their mom and dad together in that way, and then want to burn their eardrums and that spot in their memory and never think of it again, ick! Once my son was mad at his dad, after he found out what sex was, and didn't want him to do that to his mom anymore LOL There can be a natural "taken advantage of" to it I think.

If you can't know for sure. Do you think it could help if you thought about it not as your mother "lying" to you about it, but simply trying to survive whatever she's been through? Or even lying to herself to survive it?

I have tried to make sense of what she said in every way I can think of. It helps to know you ladies can understand and discuss with me. I don't open up about this much and when I have I see the horrified look on a person's face just trying to wrap their head around it, so I keep it to myself for the most part. Lucky for me I have a husband who is absolutely wonderful and I can talk to him about it. It hurts him too though. When my mom was alive, I never actually told her I didn't believe her and always said I was so sorry for her pain. I realize whatever it was she was trying to deal with was hard for her. I tried to make it easy for her to open up to me and feel safe. Not sure I could have told me son that story when we met, even if it was the truth. It's just too much to put on your child. Too much pain to think that your existence was due to a horrible thing that happened to your mom. Now, she's gone and I still try and find a place for these feelings.

She was a strong and solid woman, but very vain and superficial. I can better see how she would make up this story to cover her tracks than admit she had an affair to the people who thought she was so 'perfect'.

I am sorry that my post upset a couple of you. I am a rape survivor -- I was raped, assaulted, and left for dead in a back alley by three men when I was 21 years old. One of the men was a recently paroled sex offender out of San Quentin.I worked in the rape-crisis field for years as an advocate, outreach worker, and counselor. I've also acted as a jury consultant on behalf of the prosecution in rape cases. I've spent countless hours in Emergency Rooms - the rape exams usually didn't even begin until an outreach worker/advocate was present. I've walked countless women who survived horrific rapes through the entire process...from the ER to the police questioning, to the District Attorney's office, to the courtroom, and into the counseling offices of our rape-crisis center. I take this issue very, very seriously.You're just going to have to take my word for it. There ARE some women, who because of the shame associated with out-of-wedlock pregnancy and relinquishment back in the Baby Scoop Era, have changed their stories over the years, especially once a reunion starts taking place. I've personally known several in real life who talked to me for hours and hours before reunion about their experiences with their previous boyfriends, with no mention of being pressured into sex, much less any allegation of rape. And then suddenly their stories changed to date rape after their grown children reunited with them. This also happens in the cases of one-night stands. It's embarrassing and shameful to admit to your grown child that you had a one-night stand. It is easier to tell the adult child standing in front of you that it wasn't your fault that you placed him or her for adoption because they were the product of rape. It happens...and from what I've seen and heard in recent years, it's happening more frequently lately.This stuff is incredibly complex....

It really is and there are limited resources for birthparents, even now. :(