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My daughter is about to turn 9 and she was placed for adoption at birth through fostercare. I've been hoping to find her birthmom to offer her continued contact with us. I finally found her through facebook (after thinking I may have found her a year ago, but it turned out to be someone else). This time everything absolutely checks out and I am certian I have found her. I do have a concern though. She seems like she is in a happy place in her life and posts such upbeat comments. One of them that she posted says she has been clean for over a year now. I was so excited to reach out to her but I am worried. Up until this point its benn a closed adoption. Im not sure if she will even want contact but I have felt all these years that I need to at least introduce ourselves and leave the option up to her. My concern now is wether the timing is right? Ive heard that they dont recommend addicts to enter into new relationships for a year (maybe it is more). I worry how receiving a message from me might mess up her recovery. She seems like she is in such a good place right now in her life. It could be the perfect time or it could be the worst. What do you think I should do? Reach out to her or wait?
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Another option I am considering is going through her oldest daughter. The oldest sister was 12 when dd was born and has now graduated highschool several years ago andis now married. It looks like she is a very mature and sweet young lady. From what I know she wasnt raised by her mom but she was and is close to her. If I made contact with her first I wonder if that might let me know wether its a good time since she would know her mother the best and how this might affect her. She might even be a good middle man so to speak to help introduce us to her and see what she wants. My only fear in doing this would be upsetting birth mom even further for breaching her privacy in away by going around her rather than through her. I wouldnt want to make her upset or hurt her.what do you suggest?
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Why do you want to open communication? What do you know about the birth family and reason your daughter was in foster care? Why not just follow her on facebook for a couple of years? What are you expecting from suddenly opening communication?
A year sober is not that long and may or may not be true. People can be anything on the internet. I would personally just follow her so that info was available in another 8 or 9 years for your daughter as an adult. I would not start contact at this point.
Why do you want to open communication? This is a good question and has had me thinking. You see, the reasons why I wanted contact before don't seem as certian to me as it once was 8+ years ago. A LOT of things have changed with our family dynamics since I first started looking and wanting to make contact. So I am still contemplating this question.
What do you know about the birth family and reason your daughter was in foster care? We know the basics, a brief look at the family and why she was placed.
Why not just follow her on facebook for a couple of years? It feels wrong to just "stalk her" by watching her without her knowing. That was never my intent. My intent was to put our info out there so if she ever found us, she would know that we'd like contact with her. If she is interested in staying in contact.
What are you expecting from suddenly opening communication? We always wanted contact so it doesnt feel like "suddenly" on our end. I'd like to have open communication so we can begin to open a relationship with birthfamily and birth siblings. So dd can finally have those doors open to her as well (like her other adopted siblings). Though, given where we are now in our relationships with our other kids birthfamilies....I'm now wondering about this.
A year sober is not that long and may or may not be true. This is true and makes me more nervous. I've seen how difficult an open adoption can be and the emotions it brings up. I worry that 1 year sober may be too early to open up such difficult feelings. Then again, it may be the perfect time and I think maybe its just my nerves freaking me out and making me question this. I mean I've been hoping for this day for 9 years now. The chance to meet her or even talk with her.