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I am an adult adopted who reunited with my birth mom and family (lives internationally) 2 years ago. I have kept contact and went to visit them one month after I found out where they were. The visit was good but they live in a very poor area and don't have much. While visiting they asked me to buy them a phone and a camera. I did buy a phone so that we would be able to keep contact. I would call occasionally once I returned but felt overwhelmed when they wante me to call every week , especially when I did not feel a connection with my birth mother. I stopped contacting them for a few months as it became too much for me to handle and because it is international calls which add up. I was recently put back in touch with them via social media. My half sister (only biological sibling ) living with my birth mother asked me to send her children clothes that they needed. This is something which I do not mind doing as they need it. She then asked me to send my birth mother a computer that it is her dream to have one. I am not nieve and know that this is something not necessary for their well being. But I do feel as if this is now becoming a burden and stressful. I am a married woman with a family of my own and am not in a position to send such expensive things to them. And I should mention that they do not speak English- and my portuguese is not pod enough to communicate well with them which is why I have my husband communicate and translate for me. I am struggling between what to do and need advice. I feel as if they are using me and I will resort to cutting contact with them again. Any advice on if anyone has gone trough this before is greatly appreciated.
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I'm so sorry that you are going through this.I'm a domestic adoptee, and neither of my b-parents have asked me for a cent, so I cannot talk to you from experience.But, if I were you, I would just let your b-family know that you are not wealthy, and you do not have the financial means to continue to buy them things.If they keep pressing you after that, I would tell them that you feel used. Maybe that would wake them up.You might as well be honest with them. Your back-up plan is to cut contact. They may as well know why you are on the road to ending communication, so they have a chance to rectify their behaviors before it gets to that point.I wish your b-family would realize that you, alone, are the gift. They shouldn't see you as a cash cow.
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Thank you so much for your advice. I have been embarrassed to speak to my adopted family about this because it makes me feel as if people will think , well of course this was going to happen. Since receiving the last message asking for a computer , I have not responded and received another messaging saying , you aren't talking to me now?? (From my biological sister). It's often a guilt trip on their part. I often think that there is not a connection between my birth mom and I as she basically didn't say much when I met her, and I had prepared myself for that. At this point it has become so overwhelming for me even to speak to them because I know that each time they will either ask me to call constantly or tell me that they need things. I should also mention I suffer from anxiety, and this is an added stress ! But thank you again for the advice:)
I think that in many countries they have an idea that all Americans are very wealthy. Of course by many standards we are. We have access to health care, most of us have clean water and indoor plumbing and electricity and we can afford things beyond necessary. When I was in Russia the kids had a video tape of the movie Richie Rich and they honestly seemed to believe that it was a true depiction of life in America, also they liked the old Show Dallas, and since I live in Texas they were sure that it was how I lived (either that or I rode horses everywhere, LOL) Perhaps your family sees you as super wealthy and doesn't truly understand that you cannot afford what they are asking. If so maybe saying it flat out might help. Like, "If I had the money, I would love to buy her a computer, but sadly I do not, I am sorry, but I am not wealthy and cannot afford such gifts"
I think you're exactly right. I think they saw that I went to visit them and brought clothes and gifts because it was the first time I was meeting them but that wasn't the right thing to do. I need to just be straight forward with them. It is a hard predicament for me to be in since my sister was raised with that family and I was raised with so many opportunities. I feel bad that they missed out on my life because its been a very fortunate one , but in all reality this wasnt my choice it was fate. I feel as if I could provide things for them i would, but I can't. So I will take the advice and be honest with my feelings and they can either accept it or we move on.
That's exactly it. They're probably thinking, "She's an American. She's wealthy." Well, you're not, and you have to convey that to them.I know it will be difficult. But, if the choice is between being honest and trying to keep the relationship intact or stifling your feelings and slowing cutting them from your life, the best choice is to attempt honest communication.I really hope things work out for you.
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Just don't get used by them. It's hard to not want to give, give, give to please people (or that's me anyways). though you seem smart enough to what is going on.It's best to not ignore the requests, and respond to them in a positive way. By positive to not say, 'You are using me!!!". But to say, 'yes i'd love to buy you a computer if i could'.