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I realized, today, that it would be a great idea to find some kind of online adoption support group, and this seems like the perfect place for that. So thank you for whatever support or advice that you may give in the future. Without further ado, this is my story:
Ive been married to my wife for 2 years now. She had 3 wonderful children before I met her, and now they all know me as Dad. We also have a beautiful daughter and another on the way who weҒll be finding out the gender of in a couple weeks. My step children are Z, a 13 year old boy, A, a 10 year old girl, and J, a 7 year old boy.
Weve talked to all three of them about adoption, and all of them are excited about it. Z knows the bio-dad the best, and has gone as far as to say that if we are unable to make the adoption happen, he will apply for an adult adoption when he is 18. A kind of knows bio-dad, but unlike the other two, seems to get excited about him when he calls or picks them up, and willingly calls him ґdad when he is around. J doesnҒt really know the bio-dad, and doesnt appreciate being ignored (along with A) so that bio-dad can go off and play video games with Z.
Bio-dad doesnҒt have a job, so the only reason that we have any child support is because the state takes it from his unemployment check. He recently picked them up around Zs birthday (Z on one day, then the other two the next day), which he completely forgot about all 3 of their birthdays last year. He took A and J to his GFҒs (of about a month) apartment (where he is shacking up), and the some rats who have taken up residence there nibble on them while they slept. When they woke up, the GF managed to convince A and J that rats are the best pets to have.
Before that visit, bio-dad hadnt had any contact with them for about 3 months. Whenever he manages a visit, or talk to them, or even talk to us about them, he usually treats them as property or tools to leverage against my wife and I. We have talked to him about allowing me to adopt, and he is completely against it. He said he is willing to sign over guardianship on the event of my wifeҒs death, but he is doesnt want to sign over his parental rights. He would have no more reason to harass my wife if that happened. He has given us a lot of drama over the years. His favorite tool for that drama is the kids. Any time he hasnҒt been forced to pay some amount of child support, we didnt get any support from him.
The more time passes, the more stressful things seem to get about the adoption. From what IҒve learned on the internet, contested adoptions can take a year or more and go over $20,000. We arent rich in any way, and it would take several years just to save up that much, but in the end, as long as the adoption gets finalized, itҒll all be worth it. Has anyone heard of a successful situation under similar circumstances? Ive read many stories on how hard it is for families who havenҒt had any contact with the bio-parent until the adoption process was started and then suddenly the absent parent puts up a big fight. I can only imagine that my difficulty will be magnified because we do have some amount of contact with the bio-dad.
When I grew up, I had two sets of parents. A dad and step-dad. Neither one of them were very good at it, and my step-dad didnt care about me at all. My dad was trying to be our friend more than our dad. There was little contact with him, and he sometimes got verbally abusive. My step-dad was sometimes physically abusive and often neglected me and yelled at me. I count myself as blessed for not being like either one of them. IҒm afraid that the bio-dad is like what would happen if you put a lot of the negative parts of both of my male parental figures and only a little of their positive traits, and put them in one person.
I just want the drama to end, and for us to be a whole family without someone trying to drive us apart. Ive talked to the kids about things they can probably expect based on my experiences with my dad (a lot of broken promises and not much contact). Bio-dad is allowed visitation via the parenting plan set up in the divorce, though he rarely takes the opportunity, but when he does, there is always a decent amount of drama involved.
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Hi Chris,
I'm an adoptive mom through step-parent adoption. I adopted my husband's son from his first marriage, whose first mother had left when he was an infant and would go years in between contacts. We married when he was 9 yrs old and now he's 23, so we've been through the whole gamut and I remember the uncertainty and fear before the adoption, the tension during the process and the relief afterwards.
I identify with a lot of your feelings-- wanting peace, stability and security for the kids and knowing you can provide it, seeing that their father is not a very good one (I'm sure by your experience that is an understatement) and knowing you can do better for them.
In the eyes of the law, however, you are not in a very good position, unfortunately. Termination of Parental Rights, if not voluntary, generally requires a standard to be met of either abuse, abandonment or imminent danger, and as crummy as he sounds, what you've described doesn't rise to the standard of any of those. If he's maintaining occasional contact, rather than taking 6 months to a year or more in between contacts, it's not considered abandonment, especially since you are receiving child support, whether it's from paycheck withdrawal or not. Also, if you proceed with the petition to terminate his parental rights against his wishes, the children will be interviewed outside of your presence and some of the things it appears you've said to them (to expect broken promises and little contact) could be viewed as parental alienation-- you trying to convince the kids to ditch him in favor of being adopted by you. That may reflect badly on you in the eyes of the court.
It really comes down to the recommendation of the social worker who does the investigating, the judge who is assigned the case, and the particular bent of your county. But in general, courts take severing parental rights very seriously and won't do it unless it is seen as necessary for a child's well-being, not because you would do or are doing a better job than him. Rightly so, the courts don't just compare two parents and pick the better parent in these cases-- the biological parent has the right to continue as the legal parent if they meet a minimum standard of acceptability, even if in your eyes or mine, it's a very low standard.
In your case, you would not be starting from a strong position and it would be an uphill battle. That's not to say that it couldn't be done or that it wouldn't ultimately benefit the kids, but certainly your situation does not yet meet the basic criteria usually required to initiate proceedings.
I'm not an attorney and I don't know where you live, but I would recommend paying for a one-hour consult with a family law attorney in your area that specializes in stepparent adoption (this is important!), to get a good recommendation about whether to pursue this right now or not. It may be that for a while, you have to keep being the stable father they get every day at home, but aren't yet able to make that a legal reality. Either way, please don't push the kids to make it happen for you by them wanting it enough or saying the right things. You do not want to put the child in the position of rejecting their parent, or bearing the responsibility of the decision on their shoulders. You and your wife can discuss it with adults and professionals, but let the kids just go about their business without having to worry about this. Remember, if the dad gets wind that you are bad-mouthing him, he can start working on the kids when they're with him in the opposite direction, so just please don't start that for them. Leave it with the adults until you are actually in legal process and they are required to participate in the process.
I know it's a very difficult situation. I hope you can get some good legal advice in your county.
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It seems like I just have to suck it up and just realize that bio-dad will always be in our lives whether we like it or not. That's easier said than done. Especially when he will constantly be at the very least a thorn that is intentionally digging into our sides, and at worst doing terrible damage to my children.
*sigh* Life would just be too easy without these trials, right?
You could choose to go to court at this point to modify the visitation order to require monitored visitation only, rather than sending the kids over to an unsafe situation.
I know that was something my husband did, before I was even in the picture, once he knew that unsupervised visitation was unsafe (she had untreated mental illness at the time). He had a visit supervised by a child psychologist who in fact concluded that supervised visitation was necessary until she had completed some parenting classes and showed self-control in other areas, and he made the recommendation to the court, and the judge signed the order. She refused to accept supervised visitation and never requested another visit again. My adoption of him was completed when it had been over 5 yrs of no contact by that time.
Also, you should be documenting everything you can, as far as interactions with him or his with the children: dates, times, conversations, etc. Keep it neutral and factual. Look up the abandonment standard in your state. Some have as little as 6 months. Get all your documents together: Certified copies of all birth. marriage and divorce certificates for you, your wife and the kids, and any court documentation regarding the divorce decree/agreement and anything relating to the custody and visitation agreement. Write down anything you can remember as far as timeline of events and record anything going forward. Prepare written statements from you and your wife about why you wish to adopt the children. KEEP THE CHILDREN OUT OF IT. This way, you will have everything in order you will need to gather (other than the official filing forms required in your state), in the event you can file, or go to court to modify visitation.
Best of luck. I hope you can come to a good situation for the kids before they get any older.
As an aside-- even if you do get the TPR and you can adopt, it will give you legal parental authority, but it will not erase him as their biological dad in their heads and hearts (however tumultuous that reality might be for them). He will always be their biological dad for the rest of their lives and as such may be a continual presence whether he has parental rights or not. It was hard for me to come to terms with the reality that she was not erased. She was still there, always had been, always would be and no legal action changed the genetic reality or the circumstances of my son's conception and birth. Those facts cannot be rewritten by any court action, as much as the stepparent adoption process makes it seem like they can be. Also, with kids having an online presence, it is near impossible to prevent someone from contacting your kid in one way or another, whether they have a legal right to or not. Another reality of which to be aware.