Do I have options?

Have you done family counselling? Kind regards,Dickons

I have to echo Dickons, what counseling have you got her in and are you involved? You deserve to be happy and so does she, and it is too bad she has to deal with this when she should be focused on her future, school work, getting a first job, having boyfriends, etc. On the other hand, if she can get good counseling and work through this now, at least she won't have to deal with it when she is 18. I'm not quite sure why you are so unhappy because it sounds like she is not running amuck and purposely causing everyone else to be miserable. If she is attending school, not being self-destructive, not getting into drugs, gangs, etc., then you are really lucky and you should be congratulating yourself for being a good parent and having a good teenager. Since you love her and want her to know that you are permanently family and will be there for her all your life, I think even if she is suffering a lot of internal conflict and feeling like she doesn't belong, it will still sink in (if you keep telling her and don't consider disruption and other options). It is not uncommon for some teens to separate for several years and then come back after they have tried their wings. Of course yours is a very complex situation. Therapy (with the right therapist) could help.

I'll 'third' therapy with a good counselor. Because of her age and the fact biodad has actually tried to get her back, I'd do nothing other than just be there. If I'm reading correctly, you're allowing her to go with bd on the weekends, right? Does she give any clue she might want to stay home with her family, rather than go with him? If so, I'd make it that way---w/o it seeming you're punishing her to stay home with her family, KWIM? If this isn't the case and she's truly playing the game of 'you're not my real mom/dad', I'd try to ignore this as much as possible (IF counseling's been tried and not been successful). As you state, this may very well be a 'faze' and I'd let it ride its course. Again, counseling seems in order; but be sure whatever counselor you use is experienced in attachment as well. I'm not saying I think your daughter has attachment disorders, but I believe counseling with attachment in mind may be helpful as well. Good luck! Sincerely, Linny

If "counseling" is the way, are you saying MAKE THEM both go with me, whether they participate or not? I've tried counseling before with both. Younger decided to get the selective mutism back, therapist said sorry, can't do anything if she won't participate. Older just conned the therapist into "aren't we the happiest family on earth" so that she said we had no problems (at the time we didn't) and had me agree that services weren't necessary. I've been to an attachment counselor by myself, and that person told me my daughter is stubborn and I should just learn to accept it. No, she's not in trouble and we don't interfere with her going and she is living by the rules. So I guess that means I did do a good job, right? Then why do I feel like such a failure? Ok, I'll find ME a therapist.

You've never met him and yet you allow her to spend weekends with him? That seems insane to me. If you have legally adopted the girls then you make the decisions regarding them. My 16 year old would not be going off on weekends with someone I never met, number 1, but number 2, who didn't respect me or my role as his mother. I don't care if it's bio or not. My 16 year old would know that this "relationship" is a privilege, not a right and would show the proper respect in earning the visits. Furthermore, I'd be having quite the convo with bio dad and his wife. They need a lesson in respect themselves and given that they went behind your back to get legal guardianship should be a huge issue that needs to be properly resolved. Don't let these people walk all over you. You might consider mediation to figure out where you go from here regarding the relationships between everyone, but I'd definitely be getting a therapist for yourself too. It's crazy to think you have to live this way and have no control.

I am really quite concerned about the fact that your older daughter is going off with a grown man, allegedly her bio Dad, every weekend. It doesn't matter that he's married. Do you really know that this man is her Dad? Has he been checked out for any history of child sexual abuse? Could it be that there is a sexual relationship between him and your daughter now, as there are some cases where such things develop between birthparents and their children? Does your daughter know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate contact with men, including relatives? Is there evidence that she was sexually abused in the past, by the birthfather or any other relative? Is the wife being an "enabler" of her abusive husband? I really think that you need to check out the birthfather well, and then, if he is not dangerous, you need to start setting boundaries with him and his new wife. If you want this girl to be your daughter, you need to be the one with the primary bond with her -- NOT the birthfather and his new wife. He and his wife can visit occasionally, can communicate on line occasionally (with some supervision), etc. However, they should not be co-parenting, and they should be doing everything possible to help you parent. If you need to make a decision between keeping and relinquishing your older daughter, then you AND both daughters need counseling right away. As far as giving guardianship, I don't agree that it's the way to go; that's a cop-out. Either you are the parent or you aren't. If you are the parent, you should not be ceding the responsibility to others. If you aren't, well, you can always let the birthfather and his wife adopt her, rather than putting her into state custody, but I suspect they won't really want to do so. It's interesting that your younger daughter showed selective mutism. What she needs is to feel sure that SHE has a voice in her life. How does SHE feel about possibly losing a sister, if you choose to give up your rights to her? How does SHE feel about the birthfather paying attention to the older sister and not to her (a huge red flag on the sexual abuse topic), etc. She needs to be able to talk about these things with you, through a counselor if not directly. Check out the birthfather, get some family counseling going, and decide if you want to be a parent; if so, start by making sure that you, and not the birthfather, will be doing the parenting. Sharon

First of all, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.Second, it sounds like this has been going on to long. Think about what you don't like about the situation. Then change the rules. If she's not interacting with the family, just staying in her room and going to school, to me that's a problem. A 16 year gone every weekend, another problem.Third, it sounds like this would have been a foster/adopt. Why were they removed from their home originally? What do you know about the bio dad? Have you googled him to see what shows up? I agree that I'd be concerned that his interest seems to be only in the older daughter. I'd be concerned that she's no longer interacting with the family. That's not acceptable and not healthy for her. After doing the things I listed above, I'd change the rules. She would not be seeing him every weekend. This is not joint custody and it is having a negative impact on her behavior (w/drawal from family, attitude, etc). I would set new rules. If it turns out that the situation with bio dad is safe, then he needs to respect your role as parent. If he can't, he doesn't get to be involved. If it's not safe, she doesn't see him and he's told to back off, with a restraining order if necessary. I'd make any contact also contingent on her participation in the family, her attitude, her grades. If she's interacting politely, eating dinner with the family, hanging out with the family at least some (not always in her room), having a positive attitude, keeping her grades up, then she can have limited contact. I know you didn't mention grades, but if they haven't suffered yet, you can bet they will. It's obvious that she's struggling, probably with loyalty, where she fits, and probably other things as well. You need to take control back. That's a big first step in showing her she does belong. Someone on another thread in a conversation about the "I hate you comment" responded that she tells her child "I love you and I'm your mom no matter what. That will never change." That's a poor paraphrase. I wish I could remember which thread and who posted it. You need to come up with a 2 or 3 sentence response and consistently use it when she spouts off "you're not my real parent." You are her parent. It's okay to remind her of that. Actually, she may be crying out for you to remind her. Don't let her confusion cause chaos. Establish the boundaries to protect her. Remind her of your love. Bring her back into the family.At least that's what I'd try. I hope it works out for you.

I found it - It was Jennsboys. Here's exactly what she said: "After talking to his counsellor - I got tough. Next time he pulled out the "your not my real mother" line (regarding adoption, being black, me being white) I said (firmly) to him that NOTHING you says changes the reality that I am your mother. Your feelings will never change how I feel and nothing you say or do will ever change the reality that I AM your family and I will ALWAYS love you and you will ALWAYS be my son. Period. So quit being an idiot. I didn't act hurt, didn't act like his words had any power, or the ability to manipulate or change how I acted. And once I did that - he simply stopped and RELAXED. He needed to know that no matter what his scary thoughts were, how angry he was, how bad he was -- no matter WHAT my feelinsg wouldn't change. He didn't have that control over me. He could scream that I wasnt his real mother and I could simply look at him and smile and say Yes I am and nothing you say will ever change that. And he needed to know FOR SURE he was part of our family -- and that is what allowed him to move past that phase and become secure in his (totally normal) separation as he grows up."