Advertisements
My 14 year old daughter was adopted a few days ago. Her emotions are normally a roller coaster and will often go from normal to extremly angry, or she will completely shut down. This was getting better untill her adoption.
I met my daughter when she was 10. I was her camp counselor and we continued contact and I began to mentor her. She entered foster care last year and her mom surrendered her rights in leu of them being terminated. Her father has an order of protection against him due to sexual abuse. I have always been supportive of her seeing her bio-family as her mom has helped me with the adoption by giving up her rights. Her mom has mental health issues and is mildly mentally retarded which was why my daughter went through a lot of neglect. She always did what she want and pretty much took care of the house and raised her brother. Her brother is 6 and in a different foster home.
I gave my daughter a second middle name and kept her name entirely the same other then that. She wanted me to change her first name but I wouldnt allow her and I told her she could do that when she is 18. Now since the adoption and this started 3 hours after, she decided she wants nothing to do with her old family. She is constantly on edge, has been shutting down regularly, often telling me that I am just like her mother. She also went to school the day after the adoption and told her teachers and friends she will now only respond to her new middle name and that is what she wants to be called by. I feel like she is going through an identity crisis and i am her punching bag.
She is constantly fighting with her friends at school and will often delete them out of her phone and delete her facebook. She likes to shut people out of her life and will easily ruin relationships with others. I just want her to have friends. When she is with them she is most happy.
She is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was wondering what other parents of newly adopted teens experienced and if anyone has children with Borderline Personality Disorder. She is currently in therapy. Its helping, but they are baby steps. Thanks!
Like
Share
We adopted our DD at 15. She changed her name within one week of moving in with us when she was 14. She choose to use her middle name. It was her way of saying she was leaving her past life behind and starting new. Some people need a reminder and her need was to change her name. When we adopted her this past year, she picked two new middle names from our family, so she only kept her original middle name and made it legally her first name. For many people names play a significant role in their identity and it sounds like your DD has that need. Let her call herself whatever she wants. By forcing her to keep the old name, you are forcing her to keep part of her old life that she may need to get rid of.
The therapy will help, but I think also be aware of what battles are worth fighting. BPD is a hard one to manage(BTDT with a teen). You never know when they will change their minds about anything or blame those closest to them for their situations.
Advertisements
Reactive attachment disorder and borderline personality disorder sound similar but they arent. BPD is more about not having limits, and pushing because they feel smothered. RAD is more we feel unworthy of love and that we might hurt you so we push you away.
read the primal wound by nancy verrier its the only book that has explained the turmoil my life was in up until about age 20. As an adoptee i strongly recommend it
Be very cautious about a professional dianosing any teen with any personality disorder. Personality Disorders, as a rule, are not to be given as a diagnosis until the age 18, since they generally (with the exception of BPD) are NOT treatable- but manageable.
Untreated RAD often turns into a personality disorder.
BPD is characterized by an INTENSE fear of abandonment (not feeling smothered, merely the opposite- they will smother purposefully and when you pull away, they'll feel you don't love them). It's a "I hate you, don't leave me" disorder, which many RAD children also exhibit.
I would recommend finding yourself a good RAD therapist, or one specializing in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.
Not sure if anyone is even reading this particular thread anymore, but I'll share anyway. Our DD will be 14 next month. We got her as a newborn foster child who had been abandoned in the hospital NICU and adopted her at 2 1/2. She recently was diagnosed with BPD TRAITS because as the PP mentioned, they cannot be officially diagnosed with personality disorders until they are 18. However I wonder how many of our adopted children truly will be diagnosed with that disorder just because they are simply adopted and naturally live with that fear of rejection and abandonment, but are not true BPD sufferers. Those fears effect everything in any type of relationship. They break up with boyfriends, delete friends from FB and sabbotage friendships because they want to be sure to reject that person before that person can reject them! I second the suggestion to read "The Primal Wound" if you haven't already done so! And make sure all therapists who see your child are experienced in working with adopted children. Their needs are very specific!
Nancy
I adopted my dd at 9. She wanted me to pick her middle name..so it was special. Also she chose to change her first name...it was the best decision of her life. She LOVES it and felt a part of the family.
She always tells me she wishes I was her birth mom- which to me is a huge compliment. I dont say anything- but glad I was NOT her birth mom as I would have been 15 :)
Advertisements