Now What? Strongly suspect I've found my b-mother

As others have said, none of us can speak for your birth mom. For myself, the most difficult part of the first almost 32 years of D's adoption, I had no clue whether he was alive or dead. Some bmoms want the whole "episode" to remain buried in the past (They may never have really dealt with the whole experience.); others continue to think only of the infant they placed. Still others think they should immediately have a deep relationship like they've never been parted. My experience in reunion has been very positive. I have enjoyed getting to know this adult who shares my genetic makeup. We have had a connection from the beginning and time has allowed us to know each other better. I have always been open to answering any questions he has. I spent a lot of time sharing family history with him at the beginning of our relationship. I have also been clear in my own mind and to him that I have no desire to replace his mother. I enjoy having my own place in his life. My first contact with him was an email from him, but I had located his parents and contacted them (he had moved and I couldn't locate his new address.) They gave him the info and then it was a waiting game until his first contact.I wish you well, whatever you decide to do. If you use snail mail or email, I suggest you keep it simple and ask if your facts are correct, if she had placed a daughter born XXXX at XXXX. Give her your contact info and then wait...

I tend to agree with what Dickons said, that many adoptees don't venture into search and reunion in search of the parent they never had. I know that wasn't my motivation. As a matter of fact in the short period of time between locating my b-mom and when contact was made I had people asking me that favorite question..."why do you want to contact her?" And I found that while I had all kinds of feelings floating around my noggin, I had no idea how to answer the question. That is until a very wise person hit the nail on the head for me by suggesting to me that I was "trying to fill in the empty places inside that nothing else would fill." That still fits more than anything else for me. Point being that there's no one reason that we search any more than there's one end result that we want out of the search. I think that whatever you choose to do (and by this time, perhaps have already done) it's going to come as a shock to your b-mom. You can choose one method of communication over another, and you can script what it is you want to say, but I think at the end of the day the person receiving the call / email / letter is thunderstruck. As L4R said, you do need to talk yourself up into being ready for any outcome. In my case I thought I was all kinds of smart and prepared because I had considered being welcomed with open arms and I had considered being rejected outright. Dummy me forgot to consider anything in between, which is probably where the majority of reunions fall. I hope your contact works out well for all involved. Keep us posted!

New article with the story of two mothers from the 60's that may give you a little peace if you haven't yet reached out. Of course, no guarantees but life doesn't have guarantees either. [url=http://www.modbee.com/2013/04/14/2668339/pain-of-giving-up-children-for.html]Pain of giving up children for adoption endures through decades - Around the valley - Modbee.com[/url] The other thing I wanted to say - we were seldom a secret from the close adults in the family - perhaps those not born yet but siblings, parents, aunts, uncles generally knew. Kind regards,Dickons

Bump!Any decisions been made yet?I liked the idea of doing LinkedIn. Then when you come clean to bmom it won't be such a shock of who you are.Though there really is no right way to do it. After you make initial contact, the ball is out of your court.

Thanks to all for the wise counsel and kind support. I had some important deadlines at work this week for two really big projects. I made the decision not to attempt contact until the main thrust of those time-sensitive and incredibly important projects was completed. It also gave a bit more time for all this to rattle around in the back of my head as well as integrate the reflections of my Jesuit Spiritual Director of 8 years who I met with for our regular meeting on Sunday. Though the VA does not publish emails on their website as, say, a University will for its faculty was able to google the main format used by the VA a call to a local VA hospital that went something like this, I work in a hospital in X and am interested in finding out more from one of the authors of an article I saw in the Journal of Clinical P. She works at a VA hospital in J. Could you give the email pattern for the VA hospital system so I can send her an email?Ӕ And a few minutes later I sent the following email to the woman I suspect might be my mother: Subject : Saw your article in the Journal of P Dear Mrs. Z, I was doing some research on Ancestry.com and then saw some of what you've published and I was wondering if we might be related. Were in Chicago around October 23, 1956? I also work in healthcare and treat quite a few veterans; I would be grateful to hear from you; hoping you are happy and well. Kind regards, D.S., M.Div., C.T. If I dont hear from her in a few days, my plan is to screw up my courage and call the home number. My plan is still open to revision as I literally ting and feel my way through this like a blind woman҅ Again, cant say enough good thanks to all here҅.

Perfect wording for a work email address - privacy is provided but key information only she would understand is clear. Nice touch on the tie into both working in the same field. You must keep us updated. Congrats - you took the plunge - if you check your email every 10 minutes, keep your phone next to you at all time - most others do too...your acting normal. Cheers,Dickons

This evening, summoning every ounce of courage in my being, I called the home number I found. A male voice answers; Me (in a voice I prayed was casual and light) Is Z in please?Ӕ Him, No, IӒm sorry shes out of town and wonҒt be back until the end of the month. Me, ԓIll try again later then, thank you.Ҕ (Still praying my tone is as light and casual as I intend.) .and so it wentŅ. The end of the month is next week, Ill try again then҅. Patience. Ive waited over 56 years, I can wait a week longer to see if the woman who until two weeks ago was unknown to me, on the other side of the continent, whose face I try not to stare too long or too hard at on a total strangers facebook page, is the woman who gave birth to me҅

Oh how frustrating - to gather the nerve (and that's hard) only to find out she isn't home and not expected for a week. Sigh...why can't it ever just be easy. Cheers,Dickons

The waiting is difficult. Hopefully, some of the days will fly by--or at least some of the minutes.

Wow! I have a mother and a father and four half brothers and three nieces and two nephewstalk about zero to sixtyׅ. She was happy to hear from me and had just returned from visiting her sister where they talked about me. And the events surrounding my conception and birthŅ Wow! Its going to take quite a while to live into all this CouldnŒt have done it without all the support from this forum Thanks to all!

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Wow!!!! I'm so happy for you. Congratulations!

CherylAnn, YAY! And so glad you were not a secret... Have you seen pictures? Be prepared for adoption synchonicity (sp?) you will find all sorts of amazing things - things like your mother talking about you just when you were reaching out. Word of caution - your reunion may not ever experience this - but forewarned and aware is better than not. Remember, this is just the first hill on the rollercoaster of emotions. Emotions are funny creatures and come at you out of nowhere, overwhelm to the point of shutting down sometimes. Things like pull-back happen without warning - sometimes you may not be able to respond at that time - it's pretty normal on both sides. Looking back, I would suggest that you talk about it fairly early on - so that IF it does happen to either of you - that you agree to a strategy to let the other know that "it's" happening, and you are working through it, and it's not about you, or her, or anything other than a normal reaction - can the other still reach out while you are working through it to just say - still here. I hope your reunion does not have this happen - but it can. Kind regards,Dickons

Some of the wisest "words of caution" I've ever read! :clap:

:thanks: Thanks all!! And especially to Dickens, really wise and sound advice! Here we go very, very slowly. This will be the first Mothers Day card IҒve bought since 1982 over three decades. Not too sickey-sweet striking just the right tone. Just wow!