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Looking for BTDT's who have struggled with an OA with an addict
background:
We are rolling up on 4 years since we started this journey.. 3 years 3 months since TPR and OA agreed upon, 2 years 9 months since we finalized
DD is a relative, but her BM is not. BM has mental health issues and is an addict.
After a slightly rocky beginning ,to OA has been going really well. I even was able to loosen SOME of the boundaries (met at her house once, so J could see where she used to live.. moved a visitation date)
we have an OA that includes quarterly visits
the dilemma:
since last November, the requests for visits has dropped off. There's always a "reason":
* she has the flu (one week prior to the scheduled visit)
* bed bugs
* feb is too cold to do outside visit and chucky cheese is too expensive. i suggested we move it to the mall which is inside and free, but that was dismissed.. won't go back to her house because a "housemate" kept making sexual comments about my 8 year old)
we had our november visit in december and none since.
One month ago, T canceled due to bed bugs but said she would definitely want to do something in April. i told her we would be gone spring break week (next week).
Since then, nothing.
2 weeks ago, J mentioned that he's been a long time since she's seen "mummy"
I have a zillion conflicting emotions
1) I have grown to love and care for T. I worry that she's either depressed, deeper in her addiction, has some other bigger problem going on
2) That said, our relationship works because i don't get sucked into her problems.
3) I want J to have a relationship with her BM.. To come to understand her problems on her own, rather than by getting it third party
4) But I don't want her hurt if T is unstable
5) I am relieved to not have to give up a day every 3 months (4 hour drive each way, plus 2 hour visit)
6) but i feel like i should be advocating for J. At least letting T know she's missed.
7) But if she's in a bad state, would that be construed as nagging and force an unhealthy visit?
8) A photographer friend just took some amazing head shots of DD (she's going to be in a youth theater production of Wozard of Oz). I'd love to share them, as J looks so beautiful
9) But i know sending pictures prompts T to respond. And, again, if she's in a really bad state, I'm not sure i want to kick that hornet's nest
10) the last 2 visit requests asked me to ensure J's brother was there... both of those requests came immediately after my cousin got involved with a new woman. Since T never wants to see J's brother unless there's another woman, I'm not even sure THOSE requests were about J.. or it was a sideways way to find out about my cousin/manipulate J's brother
11) I so want out OA to go back to the way it was.. but OTOH, if the separation is natural.. with little impact to J, it might be good for J to have some separation. She could reconnect when she is older
12) but given T is 45 years old and a hard addict.. I'm not sure she'll be here when J grows up. How would I face J knowing I didn't push for her to have access, if this happens?
:grr: :grr: :grr:
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From your post, it sounds like the biggest problem is that you really don't "know" where T is at right now. My thoughts? Tell her that J would really like to visit and try to schedule something (for May, say). If A) she doesn't respond/backs out or B) she comes to the visit and is a HAM (I think you can figure that one out!), then your "answers" will be clearer, I think. I have sympathy for you because there is so much grey and it is always hard in these situations to know exactly what is the "right" thing to do for your kid. GL!
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We are 2 1/2 years out from adoption finalization for my daughter, as well (bm is a mentally ill drug addict), and haven't heard from bm in nearly 2 years.
It's pointless to let how you think bm will respond to your actions, determine your actions.
Continue with your open adoption as is unless you feel it is not in your daughter's best interests. If that means sending pics, send them. If that means scheduling a visit (or attempting to schedule), do so.
One thing I would suggest (b/c it seems that you're becoming overwhelmed with visit scheduling), let bm know that the quarterly visit must occur in the month specified. So, if you cannot agree on a date during the specified visit months, the next visit will be next quarter. You are dealing with a mentally ill drug addict-- it's also pointless (IMO) to try to give her that much leeway and work around her "schedule". To have to "possibly" have a visit this month, but oh, she cancelled, so now it's going to be next month, and oh, darn it, now it's going to be the following month, etc etc is too disruptive to your life. Don't allow it.
thanks for helping me process my scattered thoughts
as for scheduling.. our OA requires she make the request 1 month in advanced. I determine the schedule based on the request. If that makes sense.
I appreciated this rule - because it forces T to make the effort, or lose out. we seems to have reached the point where she's no longer making the effort (something i wished would happen 3 years ago :p )
LoveAjax - I loved your suggestion..
Since we are leaving on vacation in a couple days, I sent T a quick email letting her know we're about to head out, but we can talk about visits when i get back..
i figure this lets her know i'm still open, but that i don't need an impulsive visitation request