Disrupting adoption

Meagan - first I'm glad you came to the forums to get some feedback. You won't get flamed from me. Only you know your family best and what the entire family, including your AD can handle. I would recommend talking with her therapists at the RTC and an attorney who is well-versed and knowledgeable in adoption disruptions for their advice. I wish you the best while you make this agonizing decision.

I'm not sure what you are looking for. Finalized adoptions aren't easy to dissolve. It may be possible to file suit for wrongful adoption and get the child returned to foster care. You'd probably have to prove that the social workers withheld known information from you. Not much chance for that. You'd need to show that a RAD diagnosis was previously given by a professional and considered current at the time. A better option would be to find a family who would take the child in a private adoption. There may be websites out there where you can post to make that easier, but I don't know what that is. We were once approached by a family who want us to adopt their kid who they had acquired via an international adoption. I think you are right to think that this child needs a stay-at-home parent. Camps and therapies don't heal children like this--at best they equip parents with the knowledge they need to bring about healing change inside the home and they assist in keeping that healing on track. If you are a single mom then I think you'll have to find a way to dissolve. If you are a two parent home then you have the option to go to one income. Obviously that would come with some downsizing in terms of standard of living and possibly the loss of some career goals but it may have some benefits too, not just for this child, but for all of your children. Staying home would put you in a position to do what it takes to bring about change, but it doesn't mean change would happen automatically. Change would still be a long and hard journey. It sounds like you have some tough choices ahead of you.

There ARE families who are interested in re -adoptions and there are some resources that may help find them. This IS an agonizing decision and not one to make in haste. But the other side of this is trying to keep other members safe, and IMO, safety is the most important. Please feel free to pm me if you'd like. Sincerely, Linny

Boy have I been where you are and still am. I am not sure what state you are in but it is VERY hard to dissolve a finalized adoption. How old is the child now? My teenage daughter is back in foster care and I could've wrote your post! I think alot depends on how old the child is and what state you are in.

It's a very hard decision, but the safety of your whole family has to take priority. We disrupted in Oct 2011, also an 8yr old with RAD. We did it through an agency which eliminated our need to locate a suitable family, but was certainly more expensive than arranging it privately. Even at that, though, we had to hire our own attorney and after the agency matched our families, we still did it all privately via the attornies. Others may have more expert advice than mine, but from what I've seen, you will have an easier time going for a private adoption rather than going back to the state. Your child is relatively young (easier to find placement than getting into the teens) and there are experienced families who are willing to give it a go. Often given a better situation for the child they will do better. We, as you, entered the situation rather misinformed on the particular child and inexperienced in severe issues besides. For example, he should have been adopted by someone as the youngest and left that way-- he became our oldest and that was just the beginning of huge and growing difficulties around safety of the entire family. And just one other quick note: if you are a two parent household (don't know your situation at all), going to one income/stay at home parent isn't always a fix. We did that-- primarily for economy reasons, but my DH stayed home all the time and I have a flexable schedule. That arrangement wasn't a fix for us/the child. Basically all that did was take out the babysitter issue, it didn't do anything to heal the kid. All that to say, I believe a stay at home parent can be very helpful, but it is by no means a sure fix.

I was almost sure that I was going to hear so much backlash for my post. Maybe I am just mentally preparing myself for what future I know will be mine once we go this route Thank you all for being so understanding. It has been a very hard 5 years for us all. My feeling is that as a mom of 3 I have to do what is right for all of my children

Most have been through it or understand.

I hope it is okay that I am going to add my two cents. From the other side. I was adopted from a loving foster care family at 18 months. My adopted mother wanted to return me to the state about a year and a half later. I did not have RAD and was bonded to her, however, she could not bond with me and I was ill a lot. My adopted Dad said no. Because of that no, I became the target of her resentment. I knew I was not loved, she was suffering, my siblings suffered (sides were taken and I am sure they wondered if they too were loved) and noone had peace. At 15 they turned me over to social workers who lived across the country and gave them legal guardianship. they have apologized for the lack of love, isolation, etc. They did not want people to think badly of them and that decision to keep me destroyed that family. There was some recovery after I left...but too much damage had been done. The siblings had seen how I was treated. None of us understood what was going on. It was not a good fit from day 1. Noone was to blame. These were the days that they matched you by how similar you looked to the family and religion. I was dropped off after 1 afternoon visit and no SW ever came for follow-up. There were 3 other siblings in this family. I was special needs having been premature. But should they have let me go as a toddler? Yes, for my sake and theirs and to save 13 1/2 years of incredible pain. I had different needs that they could not meet. But I deserved care and to be given a chance to be adopted by a family who could offer that bond, love and meet my needs. I had to wait until I was 15 to find that-I was lucky, but it has been lifelong healing.Do the right thing for this child, your family and everyone's future happiness. If it cannot be within your home-the most loving thing you can do is offer the child a different future family. Believe me, I never thought I would be saying this but after many years of reflection, it is how I feel.I wish you peace and hope in dealing with such an incredible struggle. There is no failure in letting go. Sometimes adoption failure and family breakdown happen in the holding on. I wish I knew the answer that would allow everyone the most peace possible.