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I don't feel comfortable discussing my doubts with family or with the instructor, so I would like to get feedback from people here. A little of my history...I don't have any children, and this has always been a very painful subject. 6 years ago, my husband and I took the foster/adopt classes, but shortly after completing, he died. I did not go forward with fostering by myself. I've very badly wanted children for a long, long time, and while I know with foster care a lot of times they are reunited, there's also a chance for adoption. So, I'm back in the classes again, but I'm so nervous. In some ways, I'm better prepared now than I was before. I just bought a house and there's plenty of room. But, I'd be doing this as a single parent. I work full time and I'm in school part time trying to finish up my bachelors, after which I'll go on for my masters. So I'm going to be in school for several years yet. I don't necessarily think I need to wait until I'm completely done, but I've been considering waiting until I'm done with the bachelors. Then of course the next step would be a better job. I'm scared about how will I do this on my own - juggle dr appt, visitation, court, etc, plus my own work and school. I'm scared about how to properly support a child with multiple issues. My family will offer some limited assistance but I can't depend on them for daily help. I've been saying I wanted this for a long time, but now... is this just cold feet? Edit: I wanted to add, I've also been considering using a sperm donor to have a baby. There's pros and cons with that option. I think with foster care it would be nice to have some financial help with daycare and formula, etc, and the other route is without the added stress of an agency watching your every move. I'm not totally scared of single parenting, but more of single parenting with all the possible issues I'm imagining that might or might not come along with a foster child.
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Hi Sari, and welcome!I'm a single mom to a 2-year-old (by private adoption) and working on becoming a foster parent. I've also worked with kids (many of them in foster care) for many years.I was working on my doctorate when my son first came home. I only took one class at a time, but I found it was too much for me to work full-time, go to school, and be a parent. Granted, I was working in a very demanding job where I worked far more than 40 hours/ week and was on-call; however, kids take a lot of time and energy, and I found it wasn't how I wanted to parent. Other people have done it and been just fine, so it is certainly possible but something you really want to think about. You may also want to check out the single parent board in the adoptive parents section; there are lots of people there who could give you some good perspective.
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Sari,
What would your husband say?
Would he tell you to give up? put it on hold? would he tell you that you are capable and can do it?
I'm thinking he would prob encourage you to go forward.
Yes, it is scary, but it's also very rewarding.
Alot of mothers on this board know the pain of infertility....alot know how to do this as a single woman....please know that it IS possible.
Whatever you decide, it is the best choice for you.
But please, dont base your decision on fear, no matter what you do.
Good luck!
I understand the pain of wanting a child. I just want to warn you that children are rarely easy children. They have complex emotional needs due to trauma. When we brought home our 3 girls, I found even with my husband's support, I had to quit my job to be avaliableb24/7 to meet their needs. Lots of foster parents do work, and some single parents do a great job at foster parenting. I have a friend who is a single mom, works full time and has 5 children, a combination of bio, adopted and foster. She makes it work.
If you add school on top of that, it is going to be very difficult. I would think very carefully about priorities here. What do you want mist? What can wait? The good thing about fostering is, you could try it and find out if it will work for you or not.
Welcome!
I am a single, working mom of a 27 month old. It is very doable! I was placed with my STBAD when she was 8 months old. I took a 3month maternity leave to bond with her and adjust from being a single 30 year old to an instant mom. My family is very close by and they play and visit often but I would not say they help out a lot. I am very independent and not good at asking for help.
Organization is key to our life running smoothly. I keep a very detailed schedule. Multi-tasking is important. For example, while cooking dinner I make our lunches for the following day, and also pack our bags. During naptimes on the weekend I get all the household chores done. I run to the playground to get my excercise in. I also do my grocery shopping and most other shopping online.
Foster-->adopt is very much a roller coaster ride. Once you and your little one get into a groove it will be great! The first few weeks I was overwhelmed but once we settled it I could not imagine my life not being a mom!
Good luck and keep us posted! Feel free to PM if you want to talk more about being a single mommy!
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I am a single mom to a precious nearly nine month old. I was placed with my STBAD when she was only three days old, we are looking at adoption by her first birthday.
It is very doable, but you do have to make choices as to what is priority, at this time. I finished my Master's and chose foster-adoption over getting my doctorate, at least for now. My job has been very gracious with my schedule so I have been able to take time for doctors appointments and court dates. Case Workers and Adoption Workers have been great about coming by early in the morning or after work. The parents are not involved so there have been no visits.
It can be difficult at times, but very worth it. I think each of us knows what is right for us, and when it is the right time. Whatever you decide it will be right and the child(ren) that you are to be Mommy to will be there when you are ready.
Welcome to the boards and keep us posted.
IMO, I would wait until you finish your BA and establish yourself in your career if you do not have a strong support system. My sis is a single Mom working 30+ hours and going to school full time. Its working because she moved back home, she has a ton of family resources, and my nephew's father is active in his life. I know many of women who have or are single Moms and they all were successful due to support.