Birth father passed away

Well, For anyone who may remember me and my adoption, reunion story. Part of that journey ended This week. I found out on a FB post that he passed away (public post from his daughter).He was buried Wednesday in a family service. I feel so many things right now. The memories of meeting him, the cards and emails letting me know he never signed over his rights and looked for me for years. His assurance that I was his "baby", his daughter and my son ( who he was so thrilled looked like him ) was his grandson. Until mid 2011 when he dropped all contact with no was incredibly painful and i soon realized that The secondary rejection was compounded in y mind by my first rejection by them. Having been born at a little over one pound..i was in hospital until I was released 3 months later to medical foster care.these wonderful people became my mommy and daddy until i was deemed viable for adoption at 18 months and after one meeting with potential adoptive parents, was dropped off to live with a family of 3 biological children. My adoptive mother asked to dissolve the adoption when I was 3.not because I rad, had behavioral issues but because she could not deal w the medical issues or bond. My adopted dad said no. So I was kept. Creating the perfect storm as it was clear from day one she did not love me and told me so. Her isolation of me set the pattern of isolation with siblings etc. she would often tell me she would not tell my grandparents and others how horrible i was so that someone would love me. When i was 15 it all crashed down and they agreed to place me with the state. Who would not take me back and the psychologist we saw actually excused my parents a.d told me it was them..not me. They found another family to take guardianship of me through high school and i saw another life could be possible and life was bliss for awhile. They opened up the possibility that I was not this bad child. As an adult, feeling stable, i went on a journey to find the missing pieces of my life. It was truly a miracle. But again, words, not action and when. It all fell apart I again thought in my still lurking child's mind that it was me, i was stupid, ugly, not enough. Entered pretty intense counseling and have been grieving these loses to put them away and move forward. The past does not have to be our story. The last time i came to these boards i was told and have seen posts by others claiming they do want to be associated with adoptees who claim abuse and others who warn they may be liars. Who would lie and why. I have spent my life building a family, nurturing that family and making sure i am doing the best and right thing for them. I have a healthy career and am going to school for social services. I understand that these people are human that mental illness was present and i forgive. But it is hard to know this man is now gone . .period. I will never know why. Or why he chose to tell all his family of me but the obituary mentions nothing, no little note of another daughter or grandson he had waited his whole life to find. I would never want to intrude on his family's grief. I just feel erased again. I actually had a dad for a brief moment in time. I never went in looking for a daddy, he full on called, sent picture's, welcomed his grandson, called me his baby girl..said he would never leave again. Not even in the last moments of his life was i a thought? I loved him unconditionally. I hope someone out their might understand my pain. I feel alone and so incredibly sad.