found my birthmother - but I was too late

Thank you, L4R.What you said - "a link to our history dies with them. There are things that you will never get to know" - yes, that is a good part of why this hurts so much.For your sympathy and your understanding - thank you.

This happened to me as well. By the time I found my birth mother, she had died. All I have left are two photos mailed to me by one of her relatives (none of whom I ever met). I look just like her. I know how difficult this is and I will forever have that whole in my heart from what I never knew. I wish you the best.

So sorry you missed one another. Is there any family who can fill in the blanks or tell you about her? Of course, many families wouldn't allow talking about adoption afterwards, so they may not know how she felt all those years. Often family pushed to give a child up! For heritage info, try Ancestry.com. It's surprising what you can find out.

Jadeaic, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure it isn't enough, but having those photos seems like a good thing. I found my birth mother's high school yearbook photo online, so I know how amazing it is to look at a picture and see your own features in someone else's face for the first time...Firstmom, I mailed a letter (last week) to my birth mother's sister. I have no idea if she knew about her sister's pregnancy/the adoption, but I'm hoping she'll be willing to get in touch with me, either way. I am hoping to get to know other members of my birth mother's family, and perhaps get a sense of who she was through their memories...

Having the photos is definitely a huge help, but it will still never make up for not being a part of my birth family. I did manage to speak to two of my mothers' sisters years ago; her older sister, who I got along with well, died and I lost contact after that. The other sister (who was the one who rejected taking care of me originally, and also continually sent my mother back to the institution) was someone I did not want to be in contact with. I do have many cousins I would like to still meet but I have no way of finding them now. Its just a sad situation. Adoption is harder on adoptees than people may think - and I had a great situation. My adoptive family was wonderful. Thanks for all the support.

I found out I was adopted when I was 27,ubt waited another 27 years to do something about it. (Long story) In March this year I finally found out the truth - like you sadly I was too late, my birth mother had died when she was 60, 11 years ago. was devastated, angry a my adoptive parents and social workers for hiding the truth and handling contact attempts badly and so angry that I will never meet her. I thought I was moving on OK, but today, this month, I find myself furious all over again. I have met my birth sister and we have visited twice, this last time she showed me the last house where my mother lived and the place where she socialised were they had her 60th birthday just before she succumbed to cancer ad where they held her "after-funeral" gathering. it has stirred it all up again. I don't know how to handle the anger, frustration, misery of it all either and as well meaning as counsellors, friends and family are, they simply do not understand. I think I know some of what you are going through.

Oh, marley.lindner, I'm sorry for your loss.I can understand the anger, the grief, the frustration... I still feel some of that on even my best days.In my case, I was lucky - I met my maternal birth family this fall - the aunt I mentioned above, my grandmother, and my three (half-) sisters, plus their families. Having that connection has been... priceless. But it doesn't really "fix" the grief I still feel over knowing I missed my chance to meet my birth mother. I hope your relationship with your sister develops into something that brings you both joy for many years to come....

Thanks for your kind words - it is great to have met some of her family and no doubt you are very happy to have contact with your birth family. It is good to talk with someone who understands my loss. I am sorry that you did not meet your birth mother either. I have met one of my aunts, the sister she spent time with in the city to where she was sent after I was adopted out and also a couple of cousins, one of whom was particularly close to my mother. I have email contact with another aunt who was closest to my mother and will meet her this year. I have two brothers who I am yet to meet. Meeting my mother's sister was very emotional as she is just a little older than my mother would be, and it was sad for both of us that I was meeting her and not my mother who would only be turning 72 if se was still alive. I have lots of regrets, but meeting her family, who has been very warm, open and welcoming to me, and my developing relationship with her daughter is definitely some consolation. And knowing that was loved and wanted...her life long and dying wish to meet me never realised is hard to live with, but getting used to it - and I now at least have the letter she wrote me which I didn't know existed. Take care. I saw the movie Philomena last night - heart wrenching but very good and while sad to watch and plenty in her story to be angry about, it was good to process my story in context with hers. Thanks for your reply, I hope your continuing contact with your family also brings you great joy.

I understand your pain completely, as I found myself in the exact same situation 4 1/2 years ago, and still haven't totally gotten over the pain of finding and losing my birth mom in the same weekend. It did help a lot to reach out to other birth family members, and I will always be grateful to my special aunt, who not only shared so many pictures and so much information with me, but also introduced me to so many amazing family members, including a sister, a brother, an uncle and may cousins. The pain may never go away, but my newfound bonds have been a tremendous blessing! Hope this helps.

Marnay, I could "write" what you said word for word - my feelings are/were very similar. My bmother died a very long time ago - she didn't even reach 40. I am already 11 years older than she will ever be. I too am in contact with my extended family (uncles/aunts, cousins, second cousins etc) and also feel blessed to have them in my life. I also have many pictures and am trying to get to "know" my bmother through these pictures and through people's memories. By all accounts, my bmother was a lovely lady and someone that it would have been nice to have known.

Thanks, beatricesmith.Mine was 58 - pancreatic cancer. The other thing that has helped me find a way to thank her posthumously has been to become involved with fundraising for pancreatic cancer research in her memory.

Thanks, beatricesmith. Mine was 58 - pancreatic cancer. The other thing that has helped me find a way to thank her posthumously has been to become involved with fundraising for pancreatic cancer research in her memory.

I am right with you. A few weeks ago, at my husband's encouragement, I did some DNA testing. I'm not sure what I anticipated. I am 51 years old, and had very few details about my birth, not even a name.It turns out that I found a "Close Relative," likely a sibling of one of my parents. Within a few guarded emails, it became evident that he was my uncle and had been only thirteen when his sister, my Mom, went to a home to deliver me and place me for adoption. Up until then, I had never really longed to know my birth mom. My life had been good, and I was content. But nonetheless, excitement grew almost immediately. I called all of my children and told them the news.The following morning, I checked my email again. My uncle wrote that as he looked through our exchanges, it was only fair to me that he also tell me that his sister had died in 2000, seven years earlier. I was devastated. And, like you, began grieving someone I never knew. I have since seen a few childhood pictures of her and only one of her a year or so before she died. My birth grandparents are also dead, and the man who was married to her for 43 years (not my birth father) asked, through my uncle, that I respect his and his new woman's privacy and chose not to contact me. I wish he knew the only thing I want from him are stories.I have a piece of my identity now, but no place to put it. I could pursue meeting my uncle, but I am not sure it is worth it. I did find out that she told the home that handled my adoption, that she was willing to be known, but I was born in Louisiana, where records are still sealed.I am sad and still without a birth mother.

I have been there, and it I'd devastating. I found your birth family through DNA and my birth father had passed away three days earlier. It's difficult to explain to someone who hasn't been through it. If you are interested in the rest of my story you can read it here: https://adoption.com/my-birth-father-passed-away-b...

I am now on that roller coaster of emotions. My name at birth was my mother's legal husband's. Didn't find out the true story until I met her in 2005. By time I did DNA test at Ancestry.com recently and found 1/2 Brother to my father it was too late. Now I am on a rush of tears for all different reasons. Mourning my father who I never knew and he never knew about me. Also happy tears I finally found him. But in the same sense, Soooooo angry at my mother and the state of MA for not trying to find him. My life might of been totally different. No adoption, no foster homes and most important no rejections. Father issues I have had thru the years since I never really had one. No Daddy's little princess or walking me down the aisle when I got married, so for sure no father-bride dance. That is where the mourning and angry emotions come from. The what ifs.