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We have 4 adopted sons who we love very much. They are however all in some way special needs children. The 19 yr old I believe has mild RAD but was never diagnosed or treated. Every time we took him to a therapist he would make the therapist believe there was nothing wrong with him. We were actually told by one he is just misunderstood. There are no therapist that deal in RAD in our area and most professionals don't even know what it is-even some of the county CWs. Our almost 17 year old has learning disabilities, sensory issues that only I see, and in a lot of ways is younger then his age. He will however help anyone who needs help and is a very hard worker. Our 15 yr old has RAD and Bi-Polar and possibly Aspergers. He has put us through a lot having just come home from over a year and a half in RTC and TFC and is still doing all the things that put him there in first place. He is also extremely intelligent but is having issues in school due to his emotional issues.Our 10 yr old has MR. anxiety and obsessive compulsive traits and sensory issues along with fine motor skills issues. He attends a special needs school and is developmentally about 3 years behind his age but is a big child so people don't understand always why he acts the way he does. He is a very loving child and loves to be around other kids.It just seems so many people we run into love to tell us about how amazing their kids are. They are straight A students and are in this sport or that and are doing so great in it. They are in so many activities and just are all around perfect. They have wonderful jobs. Their parents can trust them with the car, at other people's houses and even at home by them selves.Usually it doesn't bother me but every once in awhile it just gets to me. Our kids are not in sports anymore because they can't handle them. Except for the 15 yr old our kids are normally not on the honor roll let alone straight A's. Even the 15 yr old is struggling to keep his grades up again. Our kids aren't involved in a lot of other activities for several reasons--they can't handle them, we can't afford them, and I can't drive so when my husband works there is no way to get them there.We can not trust our kids esp the 19 yr old and the 15 yr old. The 19 yr old doesn't live here anymore because he couldn't follow our rules and was sneaking his girlfriend in every night. She was actually living here and we didn't know it. The 15 yr old steals and destroys stuff. He has also broken into our house and into our bedroom They are in their own ways amazing kids though and we do love them and fight for them and stand by them always. I guess it is just that there isn't a lot of people that we know that understand kids like ours and we can talk to about them. Other people don't even seem to want to be around us often because they don't understand.Sorry for rambling on. I think I have just been feeling sorry for myself lately because the stress level has gone up pretty high again. Just wondering if anyone else has anything they do when every body else starts telling you about their "perfect " kids.I know things could be a lot worse with our kids and in a couple of days it probably won't bother me again. I just know what wonderful kids we have and wish the things that happened before we got them and their genetics have caused them so many problems I just wish they didn't have to go through what they do.
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What helps me is having a peer group to commiserate with. I work with highly intelligent engineers (people who are driven and who value intelligence). Within my team of 16, our kids are peppered with issues - adhd, autism (mild and severe, impacting 2 team members, fas, sensory, bipolar.. When one person was bragging about his "perfect" kids.. needless to say, he didn't get the response he expected
Give me a kid who succeeds despite hurdles of a natural good tester any day :p
My kiddos are much younger (4 & 5 years old), but I've found that already my friends with "normal" kids have fallen by the wayside. It's much easier to be friends with moms whose kiddos also have issues, even if they aren't the same as mine.
Now family... that's another story and I can't avoid them! (And, of course, they have the perfect kids...)
Yep. BTDT. Usually I'm fine with how things are, and how well my kids are doing and how far they've come. (I go over what we were dealing with a few years ago and am amazed.) Anyway, I do have friends whose kids are doing well in sports, academics, etc., and I'm happy for them. I just don't say what my kids are doing to these friends, partly because it would be rude. When they say, "My Johnny is doing so well he made the honor roll", what would I say? "My Billy continues to struggle with academics and can't remember how to spell his name some days"? What would be the point? So I smile and say, "You must be happy with your son's hard work." I tell my friends who "get it" about my kids' accomplishments, and that helps.
exactly, Barki!
I have a sneaking suspicion that if you pulled back the public faade, you'd find that the perfect kids have their own struggles. I would also guess that the parents are just excited that their kids achieved something.
I am thinking of a local family that has 2 sons, very smart, very athletic. the family is also rather well-to-do. we see all kinds of tributes to the boys on fb, all kinds of trips to Paris and other places that I lack the cash to visit. my high school son--who is smart and funny and athletic in his own right and whose older and younger brothers struggle with their special needs--hasn't much use for either of those young men.
I asked why. his answer was that they look good on the outside and around adults, but they kind of act like a feminine hygiene product with the other kids!
it's hard raising our kids. we celebrate stuff that other people have no understanding of--like getting through the month without playing "find the pee" with a 9 yr old! who does this stuff? we do. and unless you've lived it, you don't understand the joy of a pee-free month!
I usually take Barksum's approach. and I AM happy for them because i'm glad someone gets good things. do I wish we did too? of course. but I know I have really come to appreciate normal far more than I ever used to.
even if I still sometimes feel that little tug of wishfulness for my kids.
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Thanks everyone.Normally I am fine but I think we have had too much the past couple of weeks and I am feeling a little worn out. We do celebrate the little things that other people take for granted. I remember when our youngest son was a baby and was getting early intervention services. When he was finally trying to roll over he had his own cheering section with me, my husband and his 3 older brothers. With our 15 yr old we are so happy right now because he actually made it through the week of school( something I never thought I would have to worry about ) but it is only the second time since he came home he has done that.Our area has nothing to help us. For a couple of months we were part of a support group for families that had special needs children and it was great to have someone to talk to but it was only one other family that came and that fizzled out quick. If we could find some other families to bother with that could understand a little more. Tomorrow will be a better day. We get to go help at and have fun at a spring festival at our sons special needs school. First time they are having it as a way to raise money and get their name out there because a lot of people have never heard of them. We have actually been part of the planning committee from the beginning.
My kids are still young, so I admit I will scream from the rooftops if they get straight As! But for now, what struck me about your OP is that these people are crowing about their kids' accomplishments but those accomplishments aren't a reflection of much. Straight As were easy for me to get in elementary school and I didn't do a lick of work. Those people are bragging about something that doesn't actually MEAN anything. Be proud of your kids for their hard work, for their kindnesses, for their personalities, not for some external measure of success that society thinks is important like grades or a car or a girlfriend. Bragging about a kid's grades or sports is like someone gushing over their new fiancee saying, "She has the best boobs!" or "He drives a Mercedes!" Really? Is THAT why you love him/her? Those things are nice, and sometimes even impressive, but not a true measure of who someone is.Of course, if a kid earned As after struggling and then working very hard for them, it's a different story. As is the kid who hit a home run in baseball after starting out the season being unable to swing the bat properly, etc. But for parents of "normal" kids, a lot of them just aren't in that place and don't get it.