Button Pushing Contact..

Sounds like she is depressed and wants some support. Maybe she when she feels weak, she wants to lean on you. Sounds like you are not comfortable with that and want her on her good days. I am not adopted and sometimes my relationship with my mom is the same, we call each other when we are upset. We both have stressful lives and vent with each other. I can't fix her or her me, but, we do listen to each other and I do what I can. Yes, it is draining at times, and I am sure I am more draining on her, but, that's how we are at the moment. We love each other very much and we are there for the rough days. I do have to have boundaries though and if she gets to the point she hurts my feelings or insults me, I tell her. I have shown her the door a few times too. No one should allow another person to be abusive toward them. we always make up, and we have gone to therapy about ten times which reaaaallly helped. Good luck, not every relationship is positive and supportive all the time. It takes a lot of work with some personalities, it comes with maturity and new information, like with therapy. The closer you are, the more painful it can be, also remember anger is just a mask of pain. Pain is easier to address.

Sorry you are going through this right now. I am just kinda tagging this post right now as haven't a lot of time and energy after 9 days at work!! I too have an adult birth daughter, we have been in reunion for about 16 yrs. I don't really count any more. Right now I just want to say we have a choice in how we react to this type of behaviour. I love my daughter to bits but wont allow myself to be hurt by her. It took me a while but I can manage it quite easily now. I will still be there if she ever needs me and have told her as much. I don't keep saying it...she has the letter. In saying this our relationship doesn't sound as volatile as yours perhaps is...I wont let that happen either. Be strong in yourself and true to yourself, We have choices about how we will react. susie

Thanks Ladies.. for your support and perspectives.

I have taken a very different stance with my son, and our situation is different in that he does not come at me with personal attacks or requests for money, but I simply don't push anything on him or try to steer the relationship the way I think it should go. I might make suggestions, but I typically leave it to him to take or leave as he wishes. Admittedly, our reunion has been one of the longest that I know (he expressed interest in contact back in 2007, we did not begin emailing directly until spring of 2010, didn't speak on the phone until november of that year, met in April of 2011. He lives far from me, and our schedules were wacky, so we didn't meet again until just this week (he stayed with me for 3 days). I'm not suggesting putting up with BS, but I think if your daughter is expressing needing space, the only thing you can do is give it to her. How old is she?

You have been very patient with your son JustPeachy! My birth daughter is 33, no partner, no kids, does casual work and travels a lot so not settled in her life at all. I registered for contact since 1994. I was contacted by the agency in 2009 saying my birth daughter would perhaps like me to write a letter to her. I did and waited 8 months for a response. We corresponded by letter (with gaps from her of months) then emailed more regularly, then met in 2011. Unfortunately I was a bit naive and didn't do any research on reunions until I started getting negative responses from her. The problem has been communication in that she didn't tell me when she felt uncomfortable but would just make snide remarks or be passive aggressive, then angry. I would have given her space if she had been open about it – but I'm not a mind reader. I understand now it is psychological blocks she has put up and also possibly our personalities clash. I don't think she has done any research on reunions much at all and has acted out with anger and hurt people including her adoptive mum by being insensitive. I think at the moment we both need to work on our own stuff and get on with our separate lives. Thanks for your thoughts and I wish you all the best in your relationship with your son.

It's difficult not to give them a taste of their own medicine when they lash out at us. But that is the one thing I've been learning to do with my son -- hold my tongue. Sometimes it really is better to leave some things unsaid. I've been in reunion for over 23 years with my son...and the whole thing landed up in the toilet. He was able to hurt me in ways that nobody else ever has, and my first impulse was to give it right back to him. But one night when I was fantasizing about all the mean things I'd like to say to him, it suddenly dawned on me that that is exactly what my mother did to me my entire life. If I unintentionally hurt my mom's feelings, she would go on the warpath -- the uglier, the better. She never did mature to the point of just saying, "Hey, you really hurt my feelings last time we talked on the phone" Instead she would write me letters that were ugly and accusatory. Her rage was phenomenal -- and one day when I was fuming over my son's latest verbal vomit, I could almost hear her in my own head. And that's when I stopped thinking about verbal responses to my son. It is what it is. If I had known 23 years ago what this relationship would cost me in the end, I most likely would never have reunited with him. I'm still trying to decide how I will handle it when, once again, he comes knocking at my door, acting as if nothing ever happened between us. He's done this so many times...and I'm just worn out from the whole thing. I keep saying to myself that I'll never lock the door to my heart that he chose to slam shut -- but to be honest, I just don't know. I don't have all that many years left, and I just want some peace in my life.

Dear Raven... peace is what we all deserve. I guess you have explored the possibility your son has a personality disorder? Often bpd's act out, push people away then draw them back in.. enabling this behaviour may not be the best thing for him really - but of course you know the whole story and must be true to yourself. Sending love and peace to you for today anyway... :)

He's been diagnosed with both BPD and NPD, as well as Bipolar Type 1. A lot of his current behavior is very much like it was when he was strung out on crystal meth in his teen and young adult years. The one thing I don't miss about my son is the feeling of always walking on eggshells. It's kind of a relief not to deal with the borderline aspect to his personality. I do have to wonder, though, if his psychiatrist is the one partly responsible for DS's atrocious behavior lately. With my son's history of drug addiction, especially to methamphetamine, he should NEVER have been placed on ADHD drugs a couple years ago when he was 39. As the drugs kicked in, his behavior began escalating back to how it was when he was a 22-year-old speed freak. But this guy has an incredible talent for getting docs to prescribe whatever drugs he wants, whenever he wants them. I know myself pretty well, and I know that I'll most likely accept him back in my life. But some of my family members are starting to question why I would do that and whether I'm a masochist or not. I don't know what to tell them, other than he's the child of my body, heart, and soul.

I am so sorry to hear that Raven... it sounds like you have had an incredibly extended, painful time and I feel you are a very courageous and loving woman. My daughter has hinted at excessive drug use when at Uni, and mentioned having counselling when younger for undisclosed issuesӔ that were now "all taken care of"...ummm. Because of the anger and control issues I have witnessed I tried to get to the bottom of it all, but she denies anything is wrong when clearly there is. Finally I said I had noticed her inconsistent personality traits, anger and control issues and I was no longer available to be used to take things out on. NPDs prey on vulnerable people. A birth mother in early reunion is especially vulnerable. I haven't heard from her since. I hope this leads her to getting help if not now then in the future. What I feel about our reunion is - I met her she was already over 30, her life choices are not my responsibility and Im not to blame if she is unhappy. I may have been able to help and I wanted to be a positive support in her life but she wouldnҒt let me. I will not sacrifice my own mental health for someone who is not open to helping themselves. I wish you a happy life in the future.. bless you.

I just wanted to say how brave you all are. I'm an adoptive mom not a first mom but I raised my niece who was also bi polar and I must say she does several of these things to me. After she punched me I had her live with her dad again for a while. I've stayed in her life but she does feel "abandoned" by me and tries to punish me for it. Although I see her and speak to her more than weekly. She too is older not 30's but old enough to know when she's intentionally hurting someone. I wish you all peace and Raven don't continually punish yourself with your son. You sound like a loving first mom who wants nothing more than a kind adult relationship with him and you cant allow your self to be abused all your life. Not fair to either of you! Trust me he'll have to be accountable for his behaviors when your not there to punish any more. C -

Thank you so much for your support WRKING21.. as my birth daughter hasnt been diagnosed (as far as IҒm aware) I have been struggling for a few years now trying to get to the bottom of things based on how uncomfortable I felt with her and her alarming personality traits. At times of course she has twisted things around so that it makes me question my own sanity. I guess that is what BPDs do though? I have felt very sad because I know deep down that she needs me but once she started to feel that up came the blocks. She has also done things which felt like playing me off against her adoptive mother and also her birth father. I basically gave her information of her birth fatherҒs whereabouts because it seemed important to her and boy was that a mistake. She and I had only met twice (after I had written to her for years) and she contacted him, called me to tell me what he had said and vented about some insensitive comments he made. I actually said perhaps he was joking and tried to calm her down. THEN after a few emails between them she went to stay with him and his wife at their lavish home for a week. THEN she told me his side of the story and started cross questioning me. I felt as if he was always her main focus actually, and I was being used for information. From the first letter she had asked questions about him. She is now in contact with him regularly and not with me. One of her personality traits is that she was relentless in her interrogating questions and when I became uncomfortable with constantly bringing up the past for inspection and listening to the stories her birth father was telling her, I was told I was insecure and I should have no expectations in our relationship AT ALL. Sorry I didnt mean to tell a long story but it is bothering me this week and the whole thing made me crazy. Do you relate to this kind of behaviour? Have you gone through similar scenarios with your niece for instance? Any advice you can give me is most welcome :confused:

Oh honey your making my stomach turn just reading your post. Yes my niece is very manipulative, beyond negative and she has been dx BPM (Bi Polar with Manic episodes) and BPD (borderline personality disorder) & ADD (attention deficit disorder) and let me tell you. This girl has put my heart through the ringer! I didn't give birth to her but I love her as if I did. Yes I have seen those behaviors and many many more. What I have found that worked the best was I was able to eventually anticipate how she could twist a particular issue and I was able to say. I'm going to do this; but if you do this; than this wont happen again (type of things). She did better with me than her dad; but she's very negative everything is a personal attack on her. She says and possibly truly believes she hears things that people say (however interpreted completely different) Just an angry angry girl. Please feel free to PM me if you need support on this. I know how difficult this is. Have you thought about contacting her other Mom to see whats been done to treat her? Perhaps she has been dx but doesnt admit it? My niece will scream it at the top of her lungs in very inappropriate places but thats just her flavor of things I suppose.... Wishing you the best. The adoption thing is hard enough and to add this on top. Hugs!