Advertisements
This isn't a vent (I'm trying to keep it from being one), nor an advice seeking thread. It is just merely me talking out loud and letting others know how I'm handling a situation they may potentially face. And yes, it is long. Sorry.Somehow the family of our kids got our names and mailing address info. FREAKED ME OUT when I first realized it a year ago, after TPR. Up til now that has resulted in cards sent at birthday times from a particular extended family member (not birth mom or dad) and a birthday wish put in a certain public location. At least our phone number isn't in the phone book.At first these actions don't seem too bad, except I was told that is how this particular person works. They push a little, then push more. They seem innocent, but aren't really. They don't listen to authority figures and they don't stop.I haven't felt threatened by these actions, but it is almost like I'm being told, "See, I can find you if I want to. I can do what I like, even if I'm told to stop. Even though we chose not to keep the birth parents away when the kids lived with us (which is why they aren't with these relatives) we are still going to remind the kids we are in their lives and you can't do anything about it." It annoys the living daylights out of me and makes me over vigilant when we are outside playing or working in the yard. What a childhood to have, not being able to be out of sight of your mom while playing outside. :cop: :bullwhip: I'm trying to remember that I need to trust God on this, but it is hard, especially when you look up to not see a kid and they don't respond to you calling them. So recently, things went up a notch. I got mail, as in gifts for the kids delivered by the mailman. I was so shocked I didn't bring that particular mail inside for fear the kids would see it and want to open it. Instead, I called the CW and asked what should I do. 1) Return to sender? 2) Return to sender with a note saying to stop sending up mail? 3)Give it to the agency without doing anything else?My thought was that #2 and #3 were not good options.If I chose #3, as I have done in the past, said family member doesn't know that I have not kept the letters, nor given them to the kids. They don't know I have passed them on to the agency. If I chose #2, it would be like giving attention to a toddler throwing a tantrum. In those situations it is best to ignore. :coffee: So I chose to do #1, return the mail and be silent. My agency will be the ones sending a "strongly worded letter". Again. After talking to my CW I called the local CASA office, as we don't have a CASA worker anymore since we are on the road to adoption. I was given a few bits of advice from the office - 1)When we get assigned a new GAL, which we will be, let them know about all of this. 2)If the adoption STILL isn't finished by August, give them a call back. (TPR was a year ago and appeals were denied over 6 months ago. Paperwork for us was started about a month ago.) 3)let them know if the relative does anything more, such as showing up, and they would talk to their lawyer to see if they can do anything.Now, yes, I sent back the mail and things could be looked at as not being too bad. However, it could also be looked at as, "You didn't do anything about it before, so I am going to push a bit more. We WILL be sending gifts even though we were told no contact." I see this as the next step in this person seeing how much they can get away with. There is an address they can send stuff to, from which we can decide if we want the letter/gifts/etc from, but they are choosing to not use it.What will come next? Will they show up at my door one day? I didn't tell the CASA worker or CW this, but I do have the police departments number in my phone. I will be calling them before the CW or CASA if that were to happen. I would actually be calling them as I tell the people, through the closed door to leave my property. Even made a stop into the police station right after TPR just to ask what to do and when. Also let them know what was going on (TPR, family knows where we live). I'm sorry, I don't do "strongly worded letters" more than once. So what will come of the "Return to Sender" mail? I'm not sure. I would love to be a fly on the wall the day it arrives back to where it came from. Oh the words that will be going through the air. Anyone ever had a similar situation? How did things turn out? (I know that last question really depends on the other party, but I'm curious.)Oh, and the "We MIGHT move one day but we really like where we are" has changed into "We WILL be moving one day but are not in a rush to do so right at the moment. Maybe in the next 5 years." This makes me sad for a variety of reasons, one of which is that I do not want to have to go through PRIDE training again if we move out of state.
Like
Share
Yes we had a situation like that.....I spoke up and put firm boundaries and sent things back when the boundaries were over stepped. This was bio Grandma and she just pushed and pushed and pushed. I stood strong and just said STOP. She finally got it.:bullwhip: Before you go to the extremes of moving I think being clear that you will refuse/return items or stand firm on your boundaries. I think you are right that not doing or saying anything makes it seem like it is OK to the other party. I would also reevaluate.....is there a reason this relative should not be allowed to send a birthday card/present? Does it harm or benefit the kiddo's to know this person is thinking of them and loves them? Are you not wanting cards and presents because of your feelings or the kiddos aren't safe to receive birthday wishes from a relative? Maybe have the worker confirm with this person that things need to be sent through them or they will be returned and follow through. It sometimes takes a while for a relative to really accept that things are not the same as when the child was with bio family and there are now new rules. Good luck.
Advertisements
I have previously posted about my problems with stbas's grandfather and the result was that I ended up with a restraining order against him because as he told me "it's not legal until I've been served" (anything I told him about not being allowed visits) Just want to give you sympathy on the moving thing because I am in the same place. Our circumstances are different in that I had a very open relationship with this family, believing RU would happen and when it did not go that way everything deteriorated greatly. However as a result they all not only know where I live but have been to my house several times, know where I work, know where kids go to daycare/school, etc. I will never have peace from them unless I move. Right now I am just waiting for my older son to graduate in two years, at which point I will likely take early retirement and move either out of state or to a different part of the state. I just had a discussion with bio mom last week in which we agreed family contact would be only with her and the bio father and only 3-4 times a year in person.
Just wanted to add that I think it is important to let the family know you will stand firm on your boundaries. I told GF I absolutely would not tolerate his "bad behavior" and would not hesitate to take action if her crossed the line. When he stalked us I immediately went to the police and when that was not enough, I got the restraining order. Maybe you should have put---"Not at this address--Return to sender".
yes, btdt it's all about setting firm boundaries by you defining what is acceptable, that puts you in control right now they have all the control.. you are merely choosing to react. i totally get that it's frustrating and it SEEMS they have an agenda (pushing boundaries.. showing you they can get to you) but keep in mind, they do not know what is acceptable by you until you tell them good luck
Thanks everyone for the great, and supportive, replies. It is true that we, personally, have not set boundaries with them. The boundaries were, however, set by our agency. All contact is to go through this address (an office within our agency that is set up for all the info to go through). You are not to contact the FPs. That seems pretty clear to me. As to "is there a reason they can't have contact" question, I felt the same way before TPR. This particular family member was more of a mom than birth mom, in my eyes. I actually felt bad for her during the whole process, until the end when I learned a bit more. She pushed for a final visit, after TPR, but was denied. Apparently she got quite angry. However, she was at every visit the parents had up to that point. She also came to every court date. I think I wouldn't be so against contact if: 1. I knew that she could keep the boundaries - she has already broken the ones set up and clearly told to her. 2. If she could keep apart from the birth parents. She/They can't. Like I said previously, the kids used to live in their home. However, they couldn't follow the rules set up (I'm assuming DCFS was trying to do in-home services or such) and so the kids couldn't stay there when they officially came into care. Then they couldn't understand why, when the parents were willing to give up their rights voluntarily if these relatives could adopt the kids, they were denied. Show me you can be responsible with a little and I'm more willing to give you more room. If you can't even do the little, I am NOT giving more and am more likely to not even give you that little. I have been on the other side of the coin, relatives in care. What would I have done if the kids had stayed in care? Rejoiced. They were no longer in harms way. Then I would have kept a box of letters or such until they aged out, or would have contacted the CW to see where I should/could send stuff. I wouldn't have found the FPs address and mailed things to their house. I have even thought about sending this former foster family a thank you card all these years later - through a CW of course. Please don't take this as us being completely against the birth family. They just need to respect the boundaries set up. We talk with the oldest kid about their family, and I try to tell him details I know - names, where he lived, how they are related, etc. Always positive things. The younger one doesn't remember, at least consciously. I never make them feel bad for talking about them. If I KNOW they are making up stories just to be talking. Then I will correct them, "Did that really happen or are you telling a story?" If it is harmless things, I just make a comment, "Really, you mom made jam too. wow, that great of her." And then I let it go. We have a great pile of pictures in their life books (that I want to sit down and go through again this summer) and I even put the trouble in to making all the connections to create a family tree (and sent a copy to an older sibling knowing this sibling will reach the place in school where you make a family tree). But please, respect the boundaries. We won't be moving soley because of this. I told my husband I am not going to let them hold that power over me. What it does do is add a small incentive to do so. We know we won't live here all our lives. We won't be retiring here. However, I do love where we live, mostly, and the friends and neighbors around us. This has been the best move we have made our married lives. Why did the birth family have to go and tarnish that for me? Just respect the boundaries. Is that too much to ask for? I know this won't be the end of things. From now on my stance will be: copy the envelope and "return to sender" unopened. This way I'll at least have some proof, if needed, of attempted contacts. At some point in the future, when the kids are older we may think about letters and such. For now the kids are too young and are finally getting settled.
Advertisements