help - telling adoptive parents about my search?

emerald23,Your mother has clearly conveyed to you over the years that she doesn't want to know.You don't have to tell your parents that you have searched for and found your b-family.My mother also made it clear that she didn't like the idea of a reunion, so I chose not to tell my family that I found my b-family. Sometimes we think we need to tell our two families about each other, but the truth is that the only person who connects the two groups together is the adoptee. It's OUR search. It's OUR reunion. Plus, your mother clearly doesn't support it, so why create havoc when you can avoid it?

I would wait to see if there is anything to tell - get through the emotions first. If your mom has insecurities then only you would know if it is even worth going there. I'm guessing you want to tell your dad though and that might make you feel worse if you don't tell him? The reason I would wait is what if you don't get a good reception from your aunt, or the relationship hits one of the expected lows in reunion, and your mom uses it as a "see I knew your shouldn't have searched" or similar? As to how - don't make it a big reveal - just bring it up one time when you are visiting (wait till close to the end so you have an exit strategy) - by the way did I tell you that I made contact with my aunt? and then see what the reaction is - you can leave it at the level or expand based on how your mom reacts. Good luck - waiting is the hardest part. Kind regards,Dickons

You both make good points.I'm not rushing to tell my parents immediately - obviously, since I haven't done so yet. But yes, thank you both, I will continue to keep things quiet for a time.As you both point out, I'm likely best off waiting until I see what this search has brought me, if only to protect my own heart first and foremost. This is, admittedly, difficult enough without a hassle from an outside force. It may not bring me much - I wouldn't be the first adoptee rejected by the birth family she's found. And Dickons, you're likely right, I probably would get an I-told-you-so sort of answer from my mom if I revealed that situation, but I think I can handle that.On the flip side, if my attempt at contact brings me into reunion with my birth family, then I can move forward and talk about that. And I guess that's what I've been more worried about how to discuss.I can respect why you'd want to keep your adoptive family from your reunion with your birth family, L4R, especially in the face of lack of support. However, that doesn't seem like the right answer for me. My family has a bad habit of living in shadowy half-truths and outright lies at times, typically meant to "protect" whoever's being lied to. More often than not, it's blown up in people's faces and caused more pain in the long run, when the lies break down and come out. I've hated that my whole life. I can't imagine getting into that myself... and if I do connect with these oh-so-precious strangers, I'd be entering into that sort of shadowy realm if I tried to conceal from my family that I was developing a relationship. Of course, I try to temper truth with prudence and kindness. But ultimately, to avoid feeling anger at myself for playing the sort of game I always hated being pushed into, I feel that I will eventually have to tell my parents that I've found my birth mother's family and reached out. Plus, I have an almost-4-year-old son, and you probably know that preschoolers are not exactly known for their social filters! I am certainly not discussing my hopes for reunion with my little guy, as it's not exactly age-appropriate, but if I do move along into reunion and actually *meet* my birth family, I could hardly expect him to keep something like "mommy's other family" secret.I like the suggestion of making it a low-key, off-the-cuff sort of remark, towards the end of a visit with my family. Exit strategy, indeed! Thanks for that, Dickons. I just may try that.(And yes, Dickons, you did mention you'd made contact with a biological aunt and were in reunion with some of your family through her. Thank you for telling me that - it gave me hope! I really hope I have such luck. I just mailed the letter yesterday and am already sick to my stomach with nerves and worry and anticipation.)Thank you both for your input. You definitely gave me what to consider...

It really is an individual decision. My a-parents don't know that much about me--period. So, for me, it isn't a lie (not even by omission). They just don't need to know everything about my life, especially since they know so very little about it. (It is only a lie when someone is entitled to know something. Otherwise, it is just my right to privacy and boundaries.)For me, their lives will never cross, so there is no reason to tell them anything.However, I understand that you would want them to know, especially with a young child in the mix.

Thanks for sharing your perspective, L4R. I can definitely understand why you'd keep the fact that you searched and found your biological family to yourself. Like you said, it's a very individual decision. Everyone's going to have a different situation. I wish I could find a way to break the news to my own family without causing unnecessary hurt. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers in adoption, are there?

I would go ahead with your search and not say anything to your parents until you make contact. Why give your parents something to worry or feel distressed about. You may feel once you have met your birth mothers sister that you have the answers you need.

i can empathize...i approached my a-parents several years back to let them know that i was going to try a search for my health info and i got such a negative response that i haven't brought it up since. i did a basic check with my state registry and got some non-id info. my parents believe that if myself or any of my sibs do a search, then they didn't 'do a good enough job' being parents. sad. now that i'm a mom of an adopted child myself, i find it terribly sad. i believe that my mom has a good idea WHO my birth people are, based on sly little comments i've heard from her over the years. i think that it would be tragic if my adopted child was withheld from knowing their birth people. hang in there. i would do this all privately and decide later on-based on what happens-what to share.

Thanks for weighing in, life-is-beautiful and mi75.Unfortunately, I realize that at least some of the answers I've always wanted to hear likely died with my birth mother. I'm holding out hope that her sister will know (and be willing to share) some information, but I know I will probably not get all the answers I need. mi75, I'm sorry your parents reacted that way (much like my own mom, really). I do think it's wonderful that you intend to be more open with your own child. Lucky kid, to have such an understanding mom!

I told my aparents after I had found and contacted my bparents. I was 30 at the time. My amom was very interested and had lots of questions; she actually got a bunch of photos from my adoption (at 3 months) through college and made an album for each of my bparents! I felt like this was my search, and as an adult, I needed to do it. Once it was done, and I had info, my aparents could ask questions but not feel threatened - I guess because it was over by then!

It’s better that you do not tell anything to your parents because it will bring no good to your family. Your birth mother has already died and you can’t have her back so, better not make it worse for yourself. Just keep it to yourself and try to be happy.