Advertisements
You know, Mother's Day for many birthmoms, especially those of us that haven't gone on to have more kids of our own, is a minefield. I usually try to ignore it, and graciously accept the attention and love from my stepdaughters.
Well, a few years ago I found myself in semi-reunion with my son. We never got to meet or talk on the phone, he was always hesitant or frankly, frightened. I admit that I was not happy with how they raised him, I could have done a better job and turned out a much nicer person. He was so spoiled and self centered, and immature. But I did my best to get to know him, and reach out in a very non-pushy way. I let him take the lead on everything.
We corresponded for a few years, friends on Facebook, I sent a few gifts for his kids. Very low key. But still, he kept me at arm's length. I though we were doing okay, but frankly I was tiring of the lack of progress, and seeing how negative he was with everyone else (and I think it came form his own insecurity issues.) Many times I wanted to throw in the towel, in fact I wrote here a few times about it. But I kept up with it, because I couldn't imagine the pain I would cause by "abandoning him" twice.
Well, imagine my shock at finding that he not only unfriended me on Facebook (our sole means of communicating,) and changed his facebook name, and removed his profile pic, but he did it on Mother's Day. Wow... completely jerky and awful.
I cannot understand what led up to it at all. We corresponded briefly a few weeks back, nothing big. He drunk texted me a few weeks before that... but this was so out of the blue. I know it has to do with his own issues, but man.. that was so COLD. I did not do that to him, even though it was frustrating being in reunion, but apparently he didn't think much of my feelings. Or maybe in a drunken moment he decided that it was his turn to pay me back for "abandoning him" after he saw a few posts about my stepdaughters on Mother's Day eve.
I'm glad I got to see pics of my adorable grandkids, and know that my son is alive and well... but I could have lived without the past few years of emotional turmoil and opening old wounds. And especially without the unceremonious dumping, out of the blue. (seriously, there was nothing weird. I never posted on his wall, or sent weird messages, or tried to friend his friends.) :grr:
Like
Share
He may have joined one of the dozens of support groups on Facebook for adoptees. Some of the groups completely exonerate adoptees of any responsibility for how they treat their natural parents, especially their mothers. It's rather frightening to read them encouraging each other to play the eternal victim...but it happens all the time on FB.On the other hand, your son may truly have been triggered by his adoption-related issues on Mother's Day...or he could just be an alcoholic.I really don't think Facebook is a good venue to conduct a post-reunion relationship, especially for those adoptees and natural moms who have never met face-to-face.I'm sorry that you're in pain, but you have lots of company here! I've been in face-to-face reunion with my son for over 23 years, and a few months ago he permanently severed our relationship. It is what it is.... But I know how you feel -- I wasted so many years, energy, love, and everything else under the sun on him. It's been very difficult to pick up the pieces.
Advertisements
I'm so sorry. Not to minimize it, but sometimes when we're hurt, we respond by being a jerk. I know I've had a wall I keep up to keep people from getting close so that I don't have to worry about being abandoned. It sounds like he's been struggling with his feelings and doesn't express them well.And I'd guess that his APs after struggling to have a family, found it hard not to dote on him once they did. I'm guessing he just doesn't have the skills to deal with the feeling of abandonment and the anger which he was probably surprised by. I wouldn't be surprised if his only support on this issue is validating this response rather than assisting him to work through the feelings.I wish I had words to make it better. Just know you're in my thoughts and that I'm sorry you're hurting.
I'm so sorry. That is a cruel way to shut someone out.I suspect that you are right about the reason. I'm guessing that he didn't like the posts about your stepdaughters. Reunions are a minefield. What he did was incredibly hurtful. I have no idea if you would ever let him back into your life, but if you do, I would suggest filtering the information you share with him on FB.
So sorry to hear of your pain Trixie and being a birth mother myself who didn't have any expections of receiving any acknowledgement on the day - I was shocked when I was told by my adult birth daughter that she wouldn't wish me a happy mothers day because she had been saying happy mothers day to her mother for 30 years. There is a separate birth mothers day if it upsets the amum to share a day but basically mother's day was used to hurt me. If she now emails me and asks how I am and I reply positively outlining things I have been doing which previously were of interest to her - I get no reply email back! Another slap. I have looked at her Facebook page but I felt that if I sent a friend request it would have been ingorned and I had already read on the forum that Facebook can trigger issues and be used to as a weapon of hurt. Hang in there, it is to his detriment if he doesn't have the courage to look into his issues and have a relationship with you. You have done nothing wrong, done your best and if he is jealous of your other relationships perhaps he should put more time into yours rather than lashing out. That would be the adult thing to do. They are adoptees but also adults and their choices are their responsibility, not our fault. All the best to you... x
Advertisements
I am very sorry this happened to you. To be dumped without explanation shows little regard for you as a human being. It does not mean that you have done anything wrong or lack any essential qualities.
For some reason your son had decided to treat you badly, and you will have to evaluate if he is the person you gave him credit for being. In the end this type of rejection while painful, can lead to appreciating the people in our lives who treat us with basic kindness, respect and love.
I have seen these types of threads before from both the adopted person and the birth parents point of view. In the end we teach people how to treat us. So you have a decision to make, in regards to how you want to be treated in the future.
You know I don't think he was ready to meet you yet. Here I am 50 years old and went through thinking I was fine I didn't need to know my birth parents, then being angry and feeling guilty to forgiveness and working through all my problems. The sad thing is now I am ready she might be gone. I just started searching and I would give anything to have a birthmom like you, anything. Just to know my mother's name would mean so much. See my name. I tell myself over and over I am happy because for so many years I was sad and I didn't know why. He is sad too. I hope things work out for both of you
:flower: I hope that you too will be able to work it out. I am in a similar situation and feel like I have been cut to the bone twice, once by the BF and now by my son. I read these threads to help me understand possibly what I may have done wrong, what I can do to correct it, and understand what the adoptees are going thru. My heart is heavy because my son is getting married tomorrow 7/13/2013 and I shouldn't even know about it, but found out by accident. Maybe one day we can find a common ground to be on where he is not scared of me (I assume). No matter what happens- I will always love him.
Advertisements
Thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate the insight, especially. You've all hit on the most probably cause of his abrupt turnabout and disappearance.
I believe it was done out of hurt and anger, and I had nothing to do with it. The fact that he went as far as changing his name on facebook, etc., and unfriending me, (in the middle of the night,) makes me think it was done in a moment of frustration (and alcohol.) The last thing I did that night before, was post a pic from instagram of flowers my stepdaughter (that I raised,) sent me. It wasn't anything mushy or over the top, just showing how pretty they were, and how grateful I was. I'm sure this created some anger in him... It had more to do with his feelings about himself, than me. I always told him that he was the one who could direct things, and what he was comfortable with.
I always have to remind myself that children who are given up for adoption have NO recollection of us... but we remember them very clearly. We are strangers, they are not. Though biologically our cells "remember."
He may find me again at some point. I've blocked him completely from my facebook. If he wants to reach out, he has to call or email. I'm not playing the facebook game again. Maybe he'll mature, and try it again. But I'm okay either way, as I don't like who he is at the moment.
