Advertisements
I am a 28 year old birth mother. I currently have one child (4 years old), and just had a baby girl last Monday who my sister & her wife are adopting. They live in Canada, and I live in Minnesota in the United States. Tomorrow I am supposed to sign the first round of paperwork to give up my parental rights (in the state of MN you sign one form no earlier than 72 hours after the birth, and another form 10 days later). I am struggling with this a lot more than I thought I would. All throughout my pregnancy I tried to "detach" myself from the baby in a way, by referring to myself as an auntie instead of a mommy, and telling my daughter that she would be a cousin instead of a half sister to this baby. Of course right after I had the baby, I fell in love with her. When I made the choice to give her up for adoption, I was struggling as a single mother taking care of my 4 year old. The biological father of this baby wanted me to have an abortion. He didn't want to deal with the situation at all and said he couldn't afford to give me any child support money because he's already paying child support for two other children. I didn't want to have an abortion, but at the time knew I wasn't able to care for the baby on my own on top of all of my other responsibilities. I knew my sister and her wife had been looking into adoption for a few months prior to this happening, so I reached out and called her and asked if she would be able to adopt the baby. She agreed, and it's been an extremely long process for them. Because our relative adoption is also an international adoption, there has been a horrendous amount of paperwork they have had to go through. Also because they are a same sex couple, their marriage is not recognized in the USA even though in Canada they are legally married, so that has also posed problems. 3 different adoption agencies are involved, and several attorneys. They have spent about $30,000 in fees thus far. etc. etc. Long story short, they have put a ton of time and effort into being able to adopt this baby.
The problem I'm facing now, is that I feel trapped. I feel like even though I -legally- have the option to change my mind, I can't. It would be devastating to my sister. But after carrying around the baby for 9 months, giving birth to her, bonding with her, etc. I'm now having a hard time accepting the role of "auntie" rather than "mommy". I'm also now in a better financial situation, I'm in a stable relationship, I have a good job and am in school full-time. My life has changed tremendously over the past 9 months and I feel as though I could now take care of the baby. Problem is, I have made this commitment to my sister and her wife, and now I feel as though it's impossible to back out of. I either have to live with:
A) My sister & probably the rest of my family hating me for the rest of my life if I don't sign the forms and assume responsibility of the baby
or
B) Living every day of my life feeling guilty knowing I gave up my daughter for adoption, even though I no longer want to & now actually could take care of her without help from her biological father.
I worry about what she will think when she gets older. She will wonder why I kept my first daughter and why I gave her away. I worry about having more kids in the future because she would wonder why she was the only one I didn't keep. Rather than it feeling like I'm giving someone a "gift" now, it feels like a huge sacrifice. I also feel like I'm no longer doing it for the "right" reasons. Now it just feels like I'm giving her away. There is this giant hole in my heart now and I just feel so much emptiness. It hurts seeing other people congratulate them for the baby that I carried. It makes me feel inadequate when I see how wonderful they are with her. I feel like nobody cares about my feelings or how this has all effected me. I feel like I have nobody to talk to about my feelings other than my pregnancy counselor. I don't know a single person who has ever given up their child for adoption. I thought it would be easier having a relative adopt her than a stranger so that I could maintain a relationship with her and talk to her whenever I wanted, but it's almost harder because it hurts -so much- knowing I can't change my mind and having to call my sister and her wife her mommies. I still feel like I am her mother. It sounds bad, but I wouldn't feel as bad changing my mind if the person were a complete stranger. In fact I definitely would have already done that by now. But now I'm stuck. They swear we will Skype, they will send pictures, they'll text, call, visit, etc. And I trust that we will... but at the same time there is always this fear that someday eventually I'll be shut out.
I'm also struggling with the fact that the dad has been so indifferent through all of this. He has only talked to me maybe 5 times during the whole pregnancy. He went on vacation to Arizona 2 days before my due date. He said he couldn't help me with money for the baby back when we made the decision to adopt, yet he seems to always have money to go out and get drunk almost every day (we're friends on Facebook, which is why I know this). He came to the hospital the day after the baby was born, held her for about 5 minutes, and while holding her literally said "Well this whole thing was one big accident so I guess this is the best way of handling it" basically referring to his child as an accident... and then was like "I'm going to go ride my motorcycle now, see ya later!" and left the hospital. He hasn't once checked on me to make sure I'm doing okay emotionally. This whole time he has had me lie to all of my closest friends about who he is because he doesn't want anyone to know he's the dad. He has two children of his own and posts pictures of them on Facebook all of the time and acts like he's father of the year, but then completely shuns this child because she was conceived during a one night stand. He also impregnated two other women who had abortions, so technically this is his 5th kid. Every day my resentment for him builds stronger and stronger, but I've held it together this entire time and have been friendly and cordial so not to jeopardize any of the paperwork. In 4 days I will never have to deal with him again thankfully but every part of me wants to rip him to shreds for being such an insensitive, irresponsible jerk.
Since he is such a jerk, part of me feels justified in giving her to my sister and her wife to raise because I'd rather her have two loving moms than a dead beat dad. But the selfish part of me does not want to give her away at all.
This is so long now I doubt anyone is going to read it. It is a complicated situation. I don't know what I feel like will be accomplished by even posting this, but my counselor gave me the link to this forum so I'm trying to start sorting out my feelings somewhere. Eventually I will accept the decision I have made, but I don't know where to go next. Right now everything just feels hopeless and I feel confused and lost and don't know what to do with all of these feelings. My doctor prescribed some Wellbutrin for me to try to counteract some of the Post Partum I currently have, but it's not helping. I feel miserable and I feel as though it's eventually going to take a toll on the daughter I'm currently raising and I feel as though my misery and sadness is also going to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. Everyone is being supportive right now, but eventually they're going to get sick of me crying all of the time and will want nothing to do with me. I don't know what to do. If anyone out there can relate or has been in this predicament, or if anyone has any good advice they can pass on please help me. How did all of you get over the grief? I feel like I'm never going to move on. Everyone tells me I'm so selfless and wonderful and that I'm doing the right thing, but my heart is breaking and everything feels wrong... :grr:
Like
Share
If you are having any doubts, don't sign. Adoption is a permanent solution to what sounds like some temporary problems for you.
Take your time, just because you CAN sign after 72 hours doesn't mean you HAVE to. Take baby home and parent for awhile. Your family will have to accept your decision and as far as money goes, don't let that enter your mind, money is the worst reason to let your baby go.
The grief never goes away. My son will be 9 in 10 days and I still get triggered and upset. Think long and hard.
Advertisements
Coming from an AP's point of view, I obviously have no idea how this struggle feels. I can say, that I would not want to be in the position of taking someone's child when they wanted to parent but felt too guilty to change their mind.If you really want to change your mind and don't, are you going to be resentful of your sister raising your child? That's not a good place to be either. I know this is extremely hard and I can see the softness of your heart and how much you care for your sister. Please just take your time. Don't be rushed. You need to be sure whichever decision you make. It's okay to take as long as you need. ..
You have a wise counsellor and welcome. I agree with the previous posters. Don't sign anything in the state you find yourself in right now.One piece of advice stop contact with the birth father on facebook. If he wants a relationship with this child he will need to earn that right. Don't torture yourself with what he's doing. He has made himself very clear and frankly at this point he doesn't appear to be someone who is ready to take on the responsibility of this child. Anyone who would be so flippant about what you are going through is not "worthy" of being engaged in your child's life.I am adopted. You can't put your needs on the back burner to please your sister or the rest of your family. Your relationship with this child is the most important thing right now and if you feel in your heart you want to keep the child that's what you need to do.People will adjust or they won't; but why put yourself in a position to regret giving the child up for the rest of your life to please other people.If you can raise the child financially and you have support in your current relationship to do that; follow your gut. Everything will work out one way or the other.
I also agree with the rest - don't sign if you are questioning. We are in a somewhat similar situation, we are in Canada and adopting our niece internationally (not US). It has been a long and rocky road since although it is kinship we still have to fulfill all of the usual adoption requirements and immigration on top. My sister in law said right from the beginning - prior to birth - that she was not interested in being a parent, and the father disappeared instantly. From a distance we supported her all through her pregnancy and I even named my new daughter when she was born. Long story, but we had a glitch with immigration, and were told to wait two years.We have now waited 2 years, the adoption order is through in her home country but not in Canada (UGH - systems) my daughter is now 3, and we are finishing the home study that does not seem to apply to us but is required anyway. Once this is all done, then we submit for immigration again. I have to say, even though my sister in law committed prior to birth, I did prepare myself for her to change her mind. Then, since she had to parent for the first year, I was prepared for her to change her mind then. Then, I was prepared for her to change her mind during the immigration interview. After that she stopped parenting and seldom sees my/her daughter. But I was again prepared for her to change her mind at the last interviews for the completion of the adoption. It wasn't until the final adoption certificate arrived here in April that I finally accepted that she isn't changing her mind.Through it all, I reasoned that the steps we have taken for the adoption could also apply if she changed her mind and we were to adopt a non-relative child. The criminal record checks, homestudy etc might need to be updated, but the preparation was still valuable. So - I guess what I am saying, is that I am sure that somewhere in her mind your sister is aware that there is a possibility that you may change your mind. And that all the work is not lost, since you said they were already looking into adoption.Even through all of our struggles, I still believe things happen for a reason. Somehow your sister will manage, regardless of your decision. Be true to yourself and your children.
Advertisements
I agree with what Spunkyone said. Be true to yourself and your children I'm going to also add sister. As an Amom I can say I was in a kinship adoption too & I told her if she chose to parent we would still help her she still chose adoption but as an Amom I can tell you that if your thinking of parenting you need to tell your sister. Yes you will hurt her but I'm sure she wouldn't want the adoption to be what causes a rift in your relationship. $30k is a serious amount of money and you can keep it from being $50k by being open with your feelings and if your not currently parenting this child and she's already parenting you need to do this sooner vs. later. another poster said take your time. Just remember you need to be true to yourself on how this will affect you if you do sign the papers and also how it will affect your relationships with your sisters and make a decision. Time will only complicate things further. If you want to parent, can parent and are able then do it; there's really no other option that will be okay with you ever. But don't delay things and make it more difficult because you are afraid of hurting others. Trust me it will hurt worse the longer you wait on both fronts. Just be honest with your sister and yourself.
Against everyone's advice, I signed the paperwork and my sister now has legal custody. For anyone wondering, yes, I regret it. Yes, I'm prepared for you all to tell me "I told you so". My baby now has no idea who the hell I am when I hold her, but in the long run she will have universal health care, two parents who love her, and money for college. So maybe I made the "right" decision. I'll never really know. All I know is that right now it all really ****ing hurts.For anyone thinking about doing something similar, bear in mind the after effects are not what you might expect. It is incredibly painful watching other people congratulate someone for a baby they didn't have, nobody will congratulate you, people are too scared to talk to you about how you're feeling so instead they will just ignore you, the people who weren't supportive of your decision to adopt your child out will rub the fact that they were right in your face, you will watch your baby smile and laugh at their new parents and they will completely shun you, and everyone will constantly tell you that you did the most "selfless thing" anyone could possibly do, but in your heart you will feel like it's the worst thing you have ever done and you'll never forgive yourself for it. The sad, honest truth of it all.
I am so sorry for your pain. I hope none of us are in the "I told you so" mode here. Many of us faced similar decisions. From my own experience, it is possible to forgive yourself. (I didn't say it was easy... or immediate.) Can you focus on what comes next for you? How can you be the best mother to your 4 year old and the woman you were created to be. Be the doting aunt as much as you sister will allow. It's not an easy journey, but I decided 40+ years ago that I was a survivor, not a victim. The journey has ups and downs. You are very close to the pain and heartbreak; for me it got easier.I often compare the adoption journey of the birth mom to a wound (or a surgery). At the beginning the flesh is raw... and painful. Moving hurt. Gradually the wound starts to heal and form scar tissue. Initially the scar is fragile and can be broken easily; even a bump causes the wound to bleed again. Over time the scar tissue fills in the wounds and becomes thick and is very obvious. Over more time the scar fades and is barely visible. Do come back here for support. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.
Thankfully everyone on here has been very supportive. I wish people "in real life" (where I live) were the same way. Some are, but many aren't. I like your analogy. It makes sense. I worry that by the time I start to feel okay with everything, that that'll be right around the time when she'll want me to re-open all of those wounds again by talking about why I gave her to my sister. I definitely am trying to be the doting aunt, but I am also always worried about stepping on their toes. So usually I just back away & watch her, wishing I could have her. There are days when I want to be there for her and love her and play with her, and I have other days when everything just hurts too much and I want to close off the adoption and just accept that they're her moms now and feel like I need to back off. But I also feel like in the long run that might be detrimental to her. Having an open adoption really is harder than I thought it would be though. It -really- hurts watching someone else parent your child.
kakuehl
I am so sorry for your pain. I hope none of us are in the "I told you so" mode here. Many of us faced similar decisions. From my own experience, it is possible to forgive yourself. (I didn't say it was easy... or immediate.) Can you focus on what comes next for you? How can you be the best mother to your 4 year old and the woman you were created to be. Be the doting aunt as much as you sister will allow. It's not an easy journey, but I decided 40+ years ago that I was a survivor, not a victim. The journey has ups and downs. You are very close to the pain and heartbreak; for me it got easier.
I often compare the adoption journey of the birth mom to a wound (or a surgery). At the beginning the flesh is raw... and painful. Moving hurt. Gradually the wound starts to heal and form scar tissue. Initially the scar is fragile and can be broken easily; even a bump causes the wound to bleed again. Over time the scar tissue fills in the wounds and becomes thick and is very obvious. Over more time the scar fades and is barely visible.
Do come back here for support. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.
Advertisements
Like I said, there are ups and downs but if you deal with the emotions, etc. as they happen... allow yourself to grieve, etc., when she is ready for explanations it won't be reopening an infection. (Remember sometimes wounds can seem healed over but underneath they are full of infection. I believe that the goal of living with our stories is to be healthy.) I'm not saying you won't relive the experience to a greater or lesser extent, but you will be able to remember that you have grown and matured since that time. No matter how we wish we could go back and make different choices we can't. All we can do is try to live each day as fully as possible.I agree that in many ways my very closed adoption story was easier to live than on open (relative) adoption would have been. The emotions were there but I didn't have to deal with them in from of everyone else. I think however if you are all open about the adoption and can maintain the relationship, your daughter may not have to ask "why." As far as stepping on toes, can you talk with your sister about how to be a doting aunt without stepping on parenting toes. (My father used to talk about his maiden aunt who would always give him what he wanted - I'm not sure what my grandmother thought about it.)
I also agree I can't imagine any of us saying "told you so". I'm an adoptive mom in a (almost) relative open adoption and I can tell you; it is hard... very hard... my DD's birth mom will hold her and just cry sometimes and I know how hurt she feels, I feel it with her obviously not to the degree. I love her dearly and although I know it still hurts she does seem to be healing. Just know that you have support and if those close to you don't support you put distance there.Keeping you in my thoughts! C -