Advertisements
I'm really torn about how much biomom involvement we should allow and need some opinions. Quick backstory- we adopted DW's bionephew through foster care 1 1/2 yrs ago, he will be 4 in Sept. BP's did relinquish in the end, but only when it was clear that they didn't really stand a shot at trial. Anyway, we did an OA with each parent for 4 visits/year and monthly check in calls.
We didn't hear from birthmom until 7 months later when she decided to do a check-in call. At the time that part of the agreement was null and void, but we took the call. In the end she never even asked about DS, but used the opportunity to tell DW about a fight she had with BF, who is DW's brother. About a month after that she requested her first visit (July-now 8 months into the agreement and almost a year since she'd last seen him). We agreed and made a plan. As it got closer we texted her with some very reasonable ground rules to which she responded that she could do whatever she wanted and that we're not his mothers (same sex couple) and never would be. That its not possible for us to be mothers because we're gross, disgusting and not normal and that she's be in DS's life forever and someday he'd know the truth (she has always accused of of stealing him) and he'd be so embarrassed of us that he'd want nothing to do with us. As hurtful as all of that is, it's very typical of her so not surprising. Even after this rant we were still willing to do the visit if she would agree to our rules to which she said no. We didn't do a visit at the time.
Fast forward to this past March when she asked to see him. We made it clear that we preceived the OA as null and void since a year had passed and none of her end was completed, but that we would do a visit as we wouldn't deprive DS. We went to dinner with her and it was ok. She was appropriate for the most part, but since then has texted multiple times and just asked to see him again.
We responded and said that for the time being we would do two visits/year. We did say that it wouldn't necessarily be like that forever, but that we wanted to take it slow for DS's sake. Our reasoning is that she's very emotionally unstable, has made threats about what she'll tell him (her family has made threats as well), and has already fallen off the face of the earth for over a year.
For the record he see's BD about every 4 weeks, but calls him by his first name. We have told him twice that its his father and his response both times has been, i know, but he's my friend too so we're going to leave it at that. Either he doesn't really comprehend it or doesn't want to at this point, but we don't want to force it down his throat.
What do you all think? Should we allow more visits? Is it best to take it slow? I just feel so torn.....
Like
Share
Our personal policy for face-to-face visits was that as long as she was appropriate with them, we scheduled something when she contacted us. We also facilitated 3-4 visits per year around birthdays or family gatherings. Any discord between the adults was handled by the adults, only. We were to be respectful to each other, especially in front of the children.
If she is stable and appropriate in front of your son, then supervised visits would be ok, if I were in your position. I'd probably stick to the original agreement until I felt more at ease with the contact and would be guided by how the child felt about it and his reactions. I'd also be clear about the repercussions if she upset or mislead him.
I never let the stuff she said about us get in the way of our kids' relationship with her. We did stop visits when she said something hurtful and confusing to one of them. However, I send pics/updates.
Think about what your son wants now and what he may want in the future, that can be safely achieved. Best of luck. I know how hard it is to figure these things out.
Advertisements
That's part of the problem...she was appropriate for the most part, but she's not stable at all. Since his birth she's pretty much been in and out of his life when it suited her so we have real concerns that she'll want to come around a lot now and then disappear. The pattern has been that she takes interest in DS when she's trying to get back with his BF and just a few weeks ago we heard she was basically stalking him so it fits the pattern.
At the time of the agreement a lot of people familiar with the case, attny's, social workers, etc...had concerns that 4/year was too many since there was never a bond and in most visits it appeared he was not comfortable with her at all.
She is so manipulative and its so hard to know if she genuinely wants to see him or if she's using him as a pawn yet again. I mean, the girl got pregnant when BF decided to move across the country to get his life together.....we all know she did it on purpose to keep him here so even the poor kids birth was part of her manipulation.
UGH!! I just don't know!!
The level of openness has to be centered around the child and his safety. Do you think he'll ask you why he didn't see her more often when he's older and has more information? Will you be able to tell him that you upheld your end of the agreement as long as he was safe? These are the questions I asked myself before we had this last incident. Everyone's experience is different, so I'm not trying to talk you into doing something you think is wrong.
For me, as long as she was sober and the interaction between everyone at the visit was good, I would follow through. Her personal life is hers. No one can change it for her and I wouldn't factor it in unless I felt there was a safety issue. Supervising the visits squashes a lot of potential badness and being clear about stopping them altogether if she can't keep it together in front of him will help keep things from getting out of control.
As he gets older and voices an opinion about how he feels about seeing her (or any communication), I would follow his lead.
I think that here, time is in your favor. What you decide now is not what you have to decide forever and your son is still little. Visits or no visits aren't really going to impact him hugely at this point in time either way. I would suggest that you plan a visit for the END of summer. That gives time to see if she maintains an interest, and allows you to see if she is appropriate or not again. Then at that visit, plan another visit after Christmas (or shortly before) with the same reasoning. Take it day by day - month by month. If her interest wanes, which is possible, that is still his reality. Honestly - my boys are now 18 and 17 and we went through periods when they were younger of 3 or 4 years of no contact, and then sudden contact again. It was hard - but it was also reality. THEIR reality. And sets the foundation for our kids understanding the realities of WHY they were adopted and why their first parents were not safe or suitable for being the parents that raised them. We can't (and probably shouldn't) protect our kids from the reality that is their story and neither can we expect dysfunctional people to ACT functional suddenly. If our kids first parents were fucntioning properly and appropriately we wouldn't be parenting their kids :) Have firm boundaries, know that NO decision you make right now will have a huge impact on your son at age 4 and take things slowly :)
Advertisements
Thank you all for the input; it really is helpful! Alex9179- I totally hear what you're saying and kind of wish he was old enough to voice his own opinion. Of course when he is we will follow his lead and be supportive and helpful in whatever he chooses when it comes to his relationship with both of them. We have held up our end of the agreement (at this point, it's null and void), and are only ever trying to do whats in his best interest, which is what we'll tell him someday.
If she'd been consistent from the beginning she'd probably be seeing him more than the agreement stated just like his BF does, but the problem is, she's not consistent and never has been. I feel like we have to let the next year or so pass to see if she's really interested in a relationship with him or if this is just a passing phase or as we suspect a show to get back with BF. The last thing i want is for DS to be hurt over and over again, which is why we told her that we're taking it slow for now. We made it very clear that we're not saying we're only going to allow 2 visits/year forever.